Scripts, Senses, and Summertime

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I have been doing a lot of self reflection lately in these warm summer months (at least in the midwest).

Lately, I feel that all of my interactions with people are set on a script that I wasn’t given a copy of. It feels like everyone knows how to talk to me and to others, but I’m given a multiple-choice question to figure out what the “right answer” is. If I don’t get the exact correct answer that gets the most positive reaction from people, then I feel like I failed. And it makes me more aware of the fact that I don’t know how to talk to people. And I talk a lot. Sometimes I don’t know how to stop talking. I have this overwhelming urge to share my opinions, and sometimes I hate it. but I also have this desire to change myself to fit other peoples expectations of what “normal” is. because I know that I don’t process thoughts the same way that other people do, even with the people I love most, and it makes me feel lonely.

Recently, I’m noticing that I have very particular standards on how I process the world around. I can’t have my pastel and dim fairy lights on when I’m relaxing off to sleep, because it //feels// like there are little splotches of paint dripping onto me. The train to my job is maddening when there’s people talking over each other and the sound of the train pulling against the rails. I try to call my partner in the morning while I’m on my way to work, but sometimes even hearing the background noise of his morning routine is too much for me, and I end up hanging up with him so that I can listen to loud music in my headphones. I need to have three drinks at my desk; a hot drink, an ice cold drink, and a room temperature drink. because I constantly feel like I have to have a variety, “or else”.

I feel so, so much more fragile right now, but these things are things that have always been prevalent in my life. I wonder if it’s the fact that I am finally looking into this, or if I’ve just reached my breaking point, or if it’s a combination of both.