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Advice Needed Please Regarding OCD and Aspergers

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Teach51
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30 Jul 2019, 10:53 am

My love interest has severe OCD and Aspergers and sometimes gets into an intense, obsessive loop that only time will ease.

If he is obsessive about hygiene, pictures that are crooked and rituals etc, I really don't mind, in fact it is sometimes endearing and just part of his personna that I feel great affection for.
The problem arises when his obsessions involve me.

He will ask me to do things, things that he is convinced that I will love, or I will benefit from, often regarding sex, and when I give an emphatic no he will never ever let it go.

I have developed a strategy where I just say to him " you are being obsessive, when you stop listening to me then I stop talking."
Last week he asked me to do something more than ten times ( texting not in person) and I felt totally harassed and told him so.
He does not see that he is at fault, and insists that he is being persistent for my own good. I believe this is how he feels. For the first time, because I refuse to give him more than a yes or no response, he seems to have internalised that he has crossed a boundary. He doesn't sense boundaries, he has told me. He has never apologised in our three year relationship because (in his words) he is always right unless someone has misled him. Am I ret*d for thinking that's cute??? I think that's cute God help me.

Any ideas how I can overcome this? How do you wind down from this obsessive loop? How can I make things easier for myself and him until it passes? I am on the verge of giving up and I am extremely sad because he has so much goodness in him, I really love him ( not in love ), just great affection.


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smudge
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30 Jul 2019, 11:04 am

I'm not saying all with OCD are like this, but it's possible he is using excuses so he can carry on his repetitive behaviour, because it might satisfy his OCD tendencies to keep asking you the same questions repeatedly.


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Teach51
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30 Jul 2019, 11:37 am

smudge wrote:
I'm not saying all with OCD are like this, but it's possible he is using excuses so he can carry on his repetitive behaviour, because it might satisfy his OCD tendencies to keep asking you the same questions repeatedly.


Tx for that. Would someone do that even if he knows it is a deal breaker? I ended the relationship in the past because of this. He is very careful for a while and then suddenly is lost in his obsessive loop, I can sense it, he is powerless over it until it ends.


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Mona Pereth
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30 Jul 2019, 11:51 am

Is he in therapy for his OCD? If so, has he made any progress in said therapy? And is the therapist also knowledgeable about ASD?

If he is not in therapy for his OCD, perhaps you might need to require that he get such therapy (if there's a way to pay for it, or get it paid for) as a condition of continuing the relationship?


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Teach51
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30 Jul 2019, 11:58 am

Mona Pereth wrote:
Is he in therapy for his OCD? If so, has he made any progress in said therapy? And is the therapist also knowledgeable about ASD?

If he is not in therapy for his OCD, perhaps you might need to require that he get such therapy (if there's a way to pay for it, or get it paid for) as a condition of continuing the relationship?


No Mona he gave up on therapy a long time ago. He knows everything about his ASD, has had tons of therapy and won't consider any additional treatment. He uses cannabis to calm down. Me not seeing him when he is in a loop seems to give him more restraint.


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Mona Pereth
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30 Jul 2019, 11:59 am

From the duplicate thread:

Teach51 wrote:
No Mona he has been in therapy for many years and has given up on it. He was diagnosed in childhood.

Was the therapy accompanied by psychiatry? (There are some drugs that are used for OCD -- have they been tried?)

Might he be open to seeing an ASD-aware and OCD-aware couples counselor together with you, if you can find a good one?


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jngyslate
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30 Jul 2019, 12:03 pm

Teach51 wrote:
My love interest has severe OCD and Aspergers and sometimes gets into an intense, obsessive loop that only time will ease.

If he is obsessive about hygiene, pictures that are crooked and rituals etc, I really don't mind, in fact it is sometimes endearing and just part of his personna that I feel great affection for.
The problem arises when his obsessions involve me.

He will ask me to do things, things that he is convinced that I will love, or I will benefit from, often regarding sex, and when I give an emphatic no he will never ever let it go.

I have developed a strategy where I just say to him " you are being obsessive, when you stop listening to me then I stop talking."
Last week he asked me to do something more than ten times ( texting not in person) and I felt totally harassed and told him so.
He does not see that he is at fault, and insists that he is being persistent for my own good. I believe this is how he feels. For the first time, because I refuse to give him more than a yes or no response, he seems to have internalised that he has crossed a boundary. He doesn't sense boundaries, he has told me. He has never apologised in our three year relationship because (in his words) he is always right unless someone has misled him. Am I ret*d for thinking that's cute??? I think that's cute God help me.

Any ideas how I can overcome this? How do you wind down from this obsessive loop? How can I make things easier for myself and him until it passes? I am on the verge of giving up and I am extremely sad because he has so much goodness in him, I really love him ( not in love ), just great affection.


i might be wrong, but it sounds like you telling him "no" to these things makes him nervous, (for whatever reason..) and this starts his line of questioning over again. You should try and figure out why he gets nervous when he gets a no answer. Maybe he gets anxious thinking that he has hurt your feelings, and thats what starts his obsessive questioning. He may not be aware that this is why he's doing this. (Again, i dont know this for a fact, it just sounds like it to me. In the past, when i would get anxious of someones feelings for me, i would obsessively ask them things too.) Try some calming techniques with him when he does it, and tell him that u wouldnt stop loving him over something dumb like a question (asked once).



Teach51
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30 Jul 2019, 12:06 pm

I don't think he would consider any external interference, neither would I. The nature of our relationship is not one of serious commitment, but one that I value nevertheless, it really needs to be solved between ourselves. I am wondering if consequence has any impact on OCD or if it is uncontrollable.


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30 Jul 2019, 12:09 pm

Jingyslate, there is some truth in what you are saying I think. He doesn't realise though that although his intentions are for my benefit,he is invalidating my feelings. He is not asking questions, but rather making repeated demands, often many times.


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30 Jul 2019, 12:14 pm

Teach51 wrote:
I don't think he would consider any external interference, neither would I. The nature of our relationship is not one of serious commitment, but one that I value nevertheless, it really needs to be solved between ourselves. I am wondering if consequence has any impact on OCD or if it is uncontrollable.


Stress and feeling out of control in his life makes it worse. Have you tried asking him about anything that has been majorly stressing him, even if he feels like the stress is nothing he can do about? Like if his environment feels out of control for him, it would be well worth rearranging and having a set structure for him. If major routines are interrupted, it may mean he creates lots of mini routines that he needs to do to get around the blocks in the major ones.


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jngyslate
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30 Jul 2019, 12:15 pm

Teach51 wrote:
Jingyslate, there is some truth in what you are saying I think. He doesn't realise though that although his intentions are for my benefit,he is invalidating my feelings. He is not asking questions, but rather making repeated demands, often many times.


i think his demands are not really demands. they are his coping mechanism to the anxiousness that he feels when u say no. if you told him to switch the question that he is obsessively asking up.. lets say, ask him to ask for a banana every time he wants to ask you a question obsessively.. see how it wouldnt bother u if he was just asking you for a banana? hes not really asking you the question, he believed your answer the first time. its just his stimming technique, i think. I used to do the SAME thing and it drove people NUTS lol. but i was just coping with my anxiety about not wanting to hurt people when they would say no about something. my parents were not nice to me, so i grew up thinking that i was mean, so thats where MY issues from it came from. Not saying thats where his come from.



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30 Jul 2019, 12:35 pm

jngyslate wrote:
Teach51 wrote:
Jingyslate, there is some truth in what you are saying I think. He doesn't realise though that although his intentions are for my benefit,he is invalidating my feelings. He is not asking questions, but rather making repeated demands, often many times.


i think his demands are not really demands. they are his coping mechanism to the anxiousness that he feels when u say no. if you told him to switch the question that he is obsessively asking up.. lets say, ask him to ask for a banana every time he wants to ask you a question obsessively.. see how it wouldnt bother u if he was just asking you for a banana? hes not really asking you the question, he believed your answer the first time. its just his stimming technique, i think. I used to do the SAME thing and it drove people NUTS lol. but i was just coping with my anxiety about not wanting to hurt people when they would say no about something. my parents were not nice to me, so i grew up thinking that i was mean, so thats where MY issues from it came from. Not saying thats where his come from.


You are not mean at all, you are lovely!!
I really believe that his intentions are good, I am not autistic and I perhaps have a surplus of sensitivity.
We all need to be validated and heard. Let me give you an example:

Do you want to.......
No.
But you will really like it.
I said no.
I think you are mistaken and it will really be good.
No. Enough.
Come on, you are being stubborn, I know it will be good for you...
You are being obsessive.
But I know what you like....
I will speak to you again when you stop being obsessive.
Well do what I suggest then...
I feel harassed.Stop.

And so on.


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jngyslate
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30 Jul 2019, 12:51 pm

Teach51 wrote:
jngyslate wrote:
Teach51 wrote:
Jingyslate, there is some truth in what you are saying I think. He doesn't realise though that although his intentions are for my benefit,he is invalidating my feelings. He is not asking questions, but rather making repeated demands, often many times.


i think his demands are not really demands. they are his coping mechanism to the anxiousness that he feels when u say no. if you told him to switch the question that he is obsessively asking up.. lets say, ask him to ask for a banana every time he wants to ask you a question obsessively.. see how it wouldnt bother u if he was just asking you for a banana? hes not really asking you the question, he believed your answer the first time. its just his stimming technique, i think. I used to do the SAME thing and it drove people NUTS lol. but i was just coping with my anxiety about not wanting to hurt people when they would say no about something. my parents were not nice to me, so i grew up thinking that i was mean, so thats where MY issues from it came from. Not saying thats where his come from.


You are not mean at all, you are lovely!!
I really believe that his intentions are good, I am not autistic and I perhaps have a surplus of sensitivity.
We all need to be validated and heard. Let me give you an example:

Do you want to.......
No.
But you will really like it.
I said no.
I think you are mistaken and it will really be good.
No. Enough.
Come on, you are being stubborn, I know it will be good for you...
You are being obsessive.
But I know what you like....
I will speak to you again when you stop being obsessive.
Well do what I suggest then...
I feel harassed.Stop.

And so on.



Ok, so now, imagine that he is just saying "banana" to you over and over again. Would you really think that he wants to know about this banana, or would you see it as an obsessive stimming behavior that he is doing to calm himself down? I think that he has not learned not to use people yet as one of his stims. He gets anxious, and then uses you as a stim. Yes, it is SELFISH, but hes probably not aware that hes doing it, because he probably gets so anxious when he hears you tell him "no", that he just starts doing it without thinking. You need to catch him when he does this. You could try clapping (or something else that irritates him) when he does it, to snap him out of it, and when he snaps out of it, tell him "u were using me to stim. Lets try a DIFFERENT coping technique/stim. One that doesnt involve using humans. It is selfish." (Just tell this to him BLUNTLY, he wont be offended, autistic people need total honesty.) And then ask him what other stims he likes, or suggest some new stims. :heart:



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30 Jul 2019, 1:06 pm

Teach51 wrote:
Do you want to.......
No.
But you will really like it.
I said no.
I think you are mistaken and it will really be good.
No. Enough.
Come on, you are being stubborn, I know it will be good for you...
You are being obsessive.
But I know what you like....
I will speak to you again when you stop being obsessive.
Well do what I suggest then...
I feel harassed.Stop.

And so on.

Does he at least understand (on a deep emotional level as well as an intellectual level) what your problem is with being bugged repeatedly about things, even if he can't control his urge to do so?

If he does have this basic understanding, then the following suggestion is irrelevant. But if he doesn't understand, then:

Has the shoe ever been on the other foot? Are there any things you have repeatedly bugged him about (besides his obsessiveness per se)? If so, how did he react?

If indeed you've never done this, then perhaps you could try deliberately giving him a taste of his own medicine, and see how he reacts (probably not very well)?

In either case, perhaps you could then point to how he felt about being bugged repeatedly, so he can then know how you feel?


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Teach51
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30 Jul 2019, 1:46 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
Teach51 wrote:
Do you want to.......
No.
But you will really like it.
I said no.
I think you are mistaken and it will really be good.
No. Enough.
Come on, you are being stubborn, I know it will be good for you...
You are being obsessive.
But I know what you like....
I will speak to you again when you stop being obsessive.
Well do what I suggest then...
I feel harassed.Stop.

And so on.

Does he at least understand (on a deep emotional level as well as an intellectual level) what your problem is with being bugged repeatedly about things, even if he can't control his urge to do so?

If he does have this basic understanding, then the following suggestion is irrelevant. But if he doesn't understand, then:

Has the shoe ever been on the other foot? Are there any things you have repeatedly bugged him about (besides his obsessiveness per se)? If so, how did he react?

If indeed you've never done this, then perhaps you could try deliberately giving him a taste of his own medicine, and see how he reacts (probably not very well)?

In either case, perhaps you could then point to how he felt about being bugged repeatedly, so he can then know how you feel?



Hmmm. I know that I have hurt his feelings because I often misinterpret what he is saying and vice versa. I will try bugging him repeatedly though it goes against my very core :D I don't think he understands. When I stated that he was harassing me he lowered the tone.
The silent treatment seems to be working. I think that I have delayed the cure because I cut him too much slack because of his autism. I don't always get angry. I should when he ignores me when I say I don't want to do something. Tx for your caring Mona, I really appreciate it.


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Teach51
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30 Jul 2019, 3:12 pm

smudge wrote:
Teach51 wrote:
I don't think he would consider any external interference, neither would I. The nature of our relationship is not one of serious commitment, but one that I value nevertheless, it really needs to be solved between ourselves. I am wondering if consequence has any impact on OCD or if it is uncontrollable.


Stress and feeling out of control in his life makes it worse. Have you tried asking him about anything that has been majorly stressing him, even if he feels like the stress is nothing he can do about? Like if his environment feels out of control for him, it would be well worth rearranging and having a set structure for him. If major routines are interrupted, it may mean he creates lots of mini routines that he needs to do to get around the blocks in the major ones.



Smudge, I think most things can upset him. We have certain routines, routines and rituals are like oxygen for him. I believe he masks when I meet him and the mask drops if he loses his equilibrium.He stopped working lately, he was working in cyber security but left. He is significantly younger than me also, so we have different modes of communicating before even taking AS into consideration.
He has achieved much in his life but I think he is experiencing burnout just now, something I first learned about here. I am guessing that stress exacerbates OCD but I'm not sure. I know that I really calm him down so not seeing him has an impact.


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