"Sitting On The Fence" & "The Long Fall".

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Sitting on the fence.
For me this stage took me about two or three years. It is the stage where others who have mentioned that you may have autism or asperges syndrome (Who I ignored as I thought "I don't have that")... Then I reached a point of dating a lady with asperges and when asking her what is is, and apart from two things the others I just didn't get, as I couldn't see any differences between what she said and how I thought in these areas (It still didn't twig straight away! How could I have been so slow to catch on?).
But from the stage where I thought "Maybe there is something in what others have said..." to me actually asking a doctor... This sitting on the fence stage took me two or three years.

The Long Fall.
《Remember the book? THE LONG FALL by ILENE DOVER? 》
This is the scarey part. The wait between the asking the doctor and the assessment. It feels like I am in freefall, but not knowing which side of the fence I am falling and not even knowing how long I am falling for. One side of the fence I could hit the NT ground with a huge bump and end up emotionally crippled hoping for some support to pick me back up and put me back together. On the other side of the fence the fall is on the autistic side which if there is nothing soft to land on, yet again risks a crippling crash to the ground if no one is there to pick me up and gather all the pieces to make some sort of picture.
Either way I feel like the longer the fall, the harder the ground will feel when I get there and I am petrified! Why didn't I stay on the fence? Why did I have this need to find out? Is like the Matrix with the red or the blue pill.

BUT I HAVE TO FIND OUT!

I have climbed up on this fence to see the view of my life! And it is scarey being up here! And at a future date I will be on this tall pedastall of assessment where I will be pushed off one way or the other...
Gosh, life is scarey at the moment! While the doctor I saw was straight, direct and un-sympathetic in her approach to me and I was ever so nurvous... And in a way (No dissrespect to her as it is better then being sympathetic but then doing nothing like my old doctors surgery used to do) I was slightly relieved she was not the one who will be assessing me though she does her job efficiently... But in another way I was hoping for a yes or a no and not to be perched on this high fence and taking a dive not knowing which side of the fence is which and not feeling in control of my destiny!

Wow this waiting is not easy. And to think that in some areas of Britain there is a six or more year wait. At least my area is not that bad.I am blessed to live here in a way. Still a wait though. Shiver!

To all those like me still waiting to be assessed. It isn't easy is it? I mean... the waiting...

I don't want a diagnosis because I don't want "The Final Fall." There would be no hope of ever getting beyond where I am now and there may be people who tell me I shouldn't even be doing what I'm doing. That would be a fall of another kind and couldn't be redeemed.

I have reached the point where if my Mum wasn't here there is no say I could survive on the funds I earn per year. I don't earn enough to eat never mind housing or anything else... So unless I find I can cope better in life (Which I used to about 15 years ago) I don't know what else to do.
My Mum says it is mid life crises. That could be a good thing as it means I will live into my 90's which is rare for my dads side of the family as they died young through natural causes. My dad and his brother reached 60 and 62 and they were the oldest bar one that ever lived down that family line. My Mums side of the family... 70 was considered young. My granded reached 73, but his dad (My great grandad who had a heart attack when he was 22 and was told to take it easy)... He lived to 98 and I was told his brothers and sisters (14 of them) all lived well into their 90's. So I should reach 94 if this is a mid life crises. No. I can't afford a Porsche!

Will I be restricted if I am assessed? No idea. I can't see too much restriction other then I may not be able to have a job I used to do... But I don't think I could do it these days anyway, neither would I want to as it is all dealing with people... I guess I used to mask well!

For me this took 9 to 10 years. In late 2008 I met the man who eventually became my boyfriend, and who, I soon learned, had been diagnosed with what was then called Asperger's syndrome. When I looked up what that was, I was noticed that many aspects of it seemed to describe me. At around that same time, my grand-niece was diagnosed with autism, and, when she asked various relatives who else in the family might be autistic, they thought of me. But, at that time, it didn't seem to me that a diagnosis would help me in any way.

So I didn't get around to seeking a diagnosis until spring 2018.


Yep. The wait was extremely stressful for me too, as I'm sure it is for many of us late-diagnosed folks.


Actually, it's more like a 5-sided pyramid than a 2-sided fence. Besides being deemed to have ASD and being deemed to be NT, there are at least 3 other possibilities: (1) Being deemed not to have ASD, but getting a referral for diagnosis for some other condition which, once you look into it, makes more sense to you than ASD. (2) Being deemed not to have ASD, but getting a referral for diagnosis for some other condition which, once you look into it, does NOT make sense at all, leaving you feeling that you've been misdiagnosed. (3) Being told that you have lots of autistic traits, but, for bureaucratic reasons, you are deemed not to be impaired enough to qualify for a diagnosis of ASD (at least not in your locale, though things might be different elsewhere).

Hopefully, while you're waiting, you've been preparing a well-organized list of reasons why you believe you may be autistic. Also, is your mother sympathetic to your interest in seeking a diagnosis? If so, you could ask her to prepare a list of odd things she noticed about you when you were little.

Just like to say, yes, in my experience the waiting for an evaluation and diagnosis is extremely stressful.
This also is especially in some countries, as a great deal in terms of quality of life is weighted upon getting a diagnosis.

But also for your own understanding of yourself. as inevitably, not that much changes in life apart from your self understanding. However, this understanding helps in terms of knowing why you are the way you are and why life has gone the way it has for you (to some extent).

Mona Perth

I have copied and pasted some of my replies in here as they seem more natural. Many are too long though. I put them in a section called "Memo". (Not used this section before). Now I have to get pen and paper and write what I recorded. I could simplify them.
I was half thinking of abandoning that idea, but using points from those writings to get straight to the point and make a list. It will still be long!
It would be good if I had a printer and there was a way of getting the "Memo" to be printed, but I don't have a printer and don't know how these things work, so handwriting will have to do for now. My handwriting is clear enough. I can read it so it should be fine.

Actually, when I was about seven years old, we were introduced to handwriting. The examples we had to learn were the old handwriting examples like open "p's" etc. I had difficulty with handwriting. It took me longer then others to learn it. (I had also been a little slow in printing when I was younger and had to really concentrate to get b's and d's right as to me they looked the same. Also I used to use both hands. I was soon told off for this and shown I should only use my right hand. Prior to this I would swap hands if one became tired.
Anyway, because I was so slow (And two others were slow as well but these two we all expected to be slow as they were considered to be the least brainy of the class as in primary school they taught a whole range of abilities in the same class. I found it strange why I was put aside with them. Also strange that the other less intelligent of the class were not with us too, but it was all about our ability to handwrite I guess). The three of us then were taken to the room which doubled up as a staff room. A man had come to see us and ask us questions. Because I was really shy I remember the teacher trying to coax me into speaking, so I dis. I didn't know what it was all about, but I knew this was some official person who we had to speak to and be normal bright kids with... So me being rather intelligent worked out what to say and the man seemed happy enough with my replies, and that was it. Back in those days, if they had concerns, they would not neccessarily notify the parents until they were sure... So I believe that was a brief assessment, and as I was in fear of being taken to a special school (The year before my best friend was taken from the school as he had become autistic after drinking a bottle of bleach), which was not in our village (I hated being away from my parents, especially from my Mum, so I would do anything not to be in another place)), I was able to know what to say to keep myself out of such a situation and appear as normal. I surprized myself looking back on it, as somehow I knew? I didn't know what asperges or autism was, but though I didn't like going to school, at least this school was about a quarter of a mile from where I lived. I think the special school was in the large town. Also, had I gone it would have been a disaster for my education as I later found out that they treated everyone as thick despite their abilities, and I would have still been on my "A,B,C's" when everyone else was on algebra and sixteen letter spelling tests.
Actually, when I was in secondary school which was 2 miles away (Later 3 to 4 miles away as we moved house), the maths teacher found I wasn't doing too well. I found later thzt it was all about learning method, but in those days I didn't realize this. I used to always use my own methods which worked about 50 to 60% of the time, but I was nevrr able to tell the teacher how I reached the answers, as I used to do them in my mind and didn't kmow how I'd worked them out! He wanted workings out on paper, which was something I didn't do. (I had previously written the forms of the sums out on paler but all workings out were in my head... And you know where you do multiplication where you carry the 1 etc. I would write down the answer and work out the carry the one after doing the sum!
Well. Due to this my parents managed to get me one day a week at night classes with an "Expert" teacher. It was years later why I told my Mum why I disn't like it. It had cost my parents a lot of money they didn't really have. It was a one to one teaching. I was getting soo frustrated. Every week I was having to learn my A,B,C's and 1+1's as if I was years old. I was on algibra and more advanced things in school. When I first told my Mum at the time she told me off and said that the lady had to start at this level to know where you are at... Well, as the weeks and months went by, she was still doing the 4 to 6 year old stuff. I was 12 years old! I heard my parents said that if my next exam results improved I wouldn't need night classes (Which were in the ladies home). I soon got my act together in the next exam (One exam per year) and the night classes were dropped. I think by the time the night classes had ended, I was onto basic multiplication! (2x3 etc) It felt like I would be at retirement age before I'd have reached algibra! HAHA!

It feels stressful. It is almost like the long wait (4+ years) I had when I to have teeth taken out where I eventually asked when it will be and they said someone had taken my name of the list again. Then the wait when I did have a date where I was nurvous as I'd never been knocked out before but it was the only way as it was why my local dentist lady couldn't do it... (She is a beautiful kind lady with lots of patience). I had my eyesight shutting off in the left eye due to absus, so I was classed as urgent. Still took 18 months to be seen from that point. (My Mum had to wait eight to ten years for hers! Long story!)

I find that waiting these days is stressful. I am nervous about being tested, but the waiting itself is worse somehow? Actually, if they can knock me out to be assessed I will be fine... HAHA! I know I am ok with being knocked out now. Umm... I think I need to relax if I can. Hopefully, it will be less then a year to wait now. I don't know a date yet though as they can't let people know until nearer the time they will assess. My brief email communications (The first time I've used email which I find it easier as it would take many days or even weeks to pluck up courage to ask basic questions over the telephone) have been very positive and they have been kind in the way they reply. It is encouraging.
The question what to do with the information I am gathering in the memo... It really needs re-writing as I have learnt more about myself as I have gone along. Ummm.