Pretending to be normal or being normal without pretending

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I think, being considered normal can be a very important thing to people of this community. Maybe not all of them, but a large part of course.
Let me tell you a few things I think about this matter, and if you want to share your thoughts about this, feel free to do that.
Well, you see... as someone who have always really wanted to appear normal to other people, not long after I have realized I have asperger - I started to look at how "normal" people behaved. I mean, by normal I mean people who dont have autism or asperger and are accepted within the society they belong to. I wouldnt say they always appear normal 100%, but they never appear non-normal to the extent people think they have a disorder or some disability.
In fact, I'm very glad I was able to finally do this. I mean, finally was able to appear normal to most people I have met in real life. On the Internet, it was also noticeable in the past because people have noticed I reply in strange / weird ways to things, or by remaining silent - I appeared anti-social even though I'm not necessarily anti-social, of course. Although, that probably depends on how you look at things, too.
After that, it all came down to being as normal as I could be, mostly in real life. I did it by answering and talking exactly how normal people do. I tend to talk a lot more, and that causes people to think I'm highly social. But, I dont talk a lot or at all, if people dont talk to me or ask any questions. I'm a lot better at conversations when people ask questions, not when they expect me to talk by myself or think of good questions to ask the other person.
I would really appreciate it if people can come here to this thread and share your thoughts on the matter, and maybe even share an experience you've had which made you really want to appear normal to other people. As well as, possibly, your own efforts about trying to be or appear normal to other people, whether it was for the purpose of finding new friends or without a purpose at all.

You touched on a very interesting subject - what we call it here "masking" (playing normal).

It's a very complex issue and it definitely has a side of "damn if you will, damn if you won't". I've been to both extremes and anywhere in between, but too often, masking was a matter of survival and there was no middle ground.

The thing is, both paths have a cost, and it will be pretty steep for those like us either way. I first earned a living, then wealth and social standing by refining masking to an art (and it took years of studying several disciplines), but I could only earn true friendships and love by going... full monty, without even the "NT" kind of masking.

Now I'm caught in between and I cannot "unmask" even here and feel like an intruder amongst those who are supposed to be my own people...

It's all an act, people. Every time you speak with someone, you are acting out a role or playing a part. No one is what they seem, and everyone is out to take the spotlight at center stage for themselves in some way.

That's life. You either accept the roles society forces upon you and succeed, or you spurn their gifts, go it alone, and fail miserably. It's all up to you.

^
I think Mona made a very good point in another thread by differentiating between "normal" NT masking and what she called the "arduous" masking that we have to do.

But I certainly agree with you on your second point! The cost can be pretty steep though...

Yes, it can be arduous at first, but it gets easier with practice.Only your immortal soul, that's all...

I don't have one, sir, but I know exactly what you mean

I come across as being pretty normal, confident and neurotypical. Most people, to look at me, assume I'm a successful businessman or lawyer or whatever.

I seem to be in a strange position myself. After spending nearly all my life developing masks to wear I really don't know when I am not masking until it suddenly hits me and the masks fall off and everything comes crashing down where I am suddenly vunerable.
I am such an excellent masker when I am in my confident mode that no one suspects a thing. I didn't want my Mum to tell a certain family friend this, but she did. She told her that I was waiting to be assessed. The family friend said "No way does he have autism. Autistic people are dissabled". She refused to believe it was possible. The thing is, recently, as I have been so hard hit, I keep letting down the masks and I either hide when others are around, or I am certainly not my usual masking sense of humour self. (I would be fun loving and full of cf humour on the outside but lonely and dissconnected and really trying to find real friends on the inside? I had a fear that if they knew the real me and I unmasked, I'd lose everyone as a friend? (I have two good friends who may partly know me. The others are good family friends, in that they know my Mum and me and my brother or brothers... People who don't know so much about my inner self.... Good people, but somehow I connect to them at arms length? Yet I do love them as good people).
It is very hard to really connect with people. The last person I could open up to was my last girlfriend where I was so hurt when after we were not an item that she didn't want to stay in touch as I could talk to her without masking. Very few people I ha e talked to without masking... And as I mask so seamlessly and automatically, I don't know how to unmask if I purposely tried.

^
I get it, I was assessed after my son was diagnosed and learnt quickly to be... discerning about disclosing or not.

I don't think you would lose your friends - not the good ones at least. My worst experience was one of my wife's relatives suddenly starting to treat me like an idiot (we've known each other for over 15 years and got along well), because "now he's autistic" It kind of amused me but angered my wife something awful.

As (strictly) a matter of personal opinion, I think you'll be fine MG, whether you get the diagnosis or not. After quite some years, you seem to be actually exploring/discovering who you are - it's all that matters.

Thank you for the replies, its good to hear people are interested in discussing this. I'd like to add a few more things, especially about the masking you mentioned in the beginning.
Well, you see... I think masking can be done without showing any signs of you doing so to other people. Sometimes people notice you are trying to behave normally, for me it was mainly by me appearing somewhat nervous or talking a little bit too fast. However, not everyone was able to notice this about me. Some people didnt, and therefore I had no problems with these kind of people. But those who did, I had to work a little harder at times.
Masking isnt difficult if you do it properly and if you do it with the right people which you know from the beginning it works on them. Some people were able to read me easily, and it failed. However, these days, I just try to behave like a very gentle and polite person, that way, even if I'm not very social, atleast I talk normally enough so that people realize I'm not someone with a very serious disability.
The best thing I would get out of masking would be that people dont think I'm weird or have some mental problem. I only learned these skills by growing up, and below about 18, I was unable to do masking or even knew what it is.
I think you can only get over asperger by age. Because if you dont reach the right age where you are able to learn masking, you'll never appear normal to others.
My childhood and teenage years were dark, lonely and extremely sad. I admit. However, today I look forward instead of looking backwards, thats how I dont let it piss me off anymore.
Have you guys also were unable to learn masking or perform masking, until a certain age? If so what age it was you have begun to be able to do it, and did it work on other people - they really treated you as a normal person?
Thank you

Of course we're talking about efficient masking - my colleagues and peers would rather believe I have leprosy or syphilis, but not autism

Yes, it took some time, but in my case, I had to learn it soon and well, as my survival literally depended on it.

I still maintain that the only human (as opposed to social) connections I've ever made were through dropping all masks, even the "normal" ones - but maybe that's just me. Reminds me of a comment - it could have been Baudelaire or maybe Rimbaud? - that people cover all their body with clothing, but leave naked the most expressive bits: the face and the hands. We use different masks for those.

My life is actually quite good now. However, I would like to be normal enough one day to date, fall in love and get married. I am thinking it is unattainable.

You come across as a perfect catch for someone. You are always kind and polite. You would make an ideal wife for someone.

Thanks for the replies to this and other threads. Much appreciated. I am learning an incredible abount about myself recently. So much is slotting in and making sense. It is incredible!

When someone says "Why don't you act normal?"
I say "I am normal. It's everyone else who's not normal..."

I lean toward extrovert and tried to fit in --- and mostly failed. I started acting at age 5. Literally. My mom says I commanded the stage and bossed everyone around for the Kindergarten play. I continued to perform into college. I'm now in my late 40s and want to stop "acting" in day to day life. I perform very well on the outside (calm), but only for so long as on the inside I am at conflict (excited). I'd like to be my normal self (normal for me) and stop pretending.