Supporting a Partner with AS

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Hello, everyone!

I'm a female NT with a question about supporting my fiance, a very intense, creative AS.

1. Any advice on practicing two-way conversations? On our first date, I sat and listened to him talk for six hours (SIX! And he'd only just started learning English!) I said maybe two words the entire time. I love his passion and honesty, but (two years later) he's still ranting on a loop about the same topics. Even bringing this up with him means giving the disclaimer: "We're talking about my feelings for the next twenty minutes. Please focus." If anyone has any tips on smoothing this out, they'd be very appreciated.

2. How can NTs best support an AS with obsessions and volatile emotions? He takes these conversations (any perceived "failures") very hard and internalizes them, almost shutting down. He also has trouble regulating his emotions when he gets negative feedback on his work or feels let down by a friend. It's like his whole world is coming to an end--in the most literal sense, it's an emotional apocalypse. More than the average person, he'll feel that all hope is gone, life has lost all color. AS & NTs: how do you all help/accept help regulating these (occasionally irrational) responses?

I'm so in awe of the AS mind. He is a video game designer who goes to the office from 7pm-9am to avoid working near his colleagues, or he'll stay up for 24h straight (with 4-5h of sleep) when he becomes really fixated. This can last for upwards of 7 months. He drinks 10 cups of coffee a day and smokes to help him focus. Does this sound familiar to anyone? How can I help him slow down, maybe live a bit healthier, and find joy and self-worth outside of his obsessive work cycles?

Thanks so much for your time and for reading! I really appreciate it!

I would suggest trying to sell a "together day" in which you do stuff together like a date day.
Once a week. No work allowed!
He may be more productive at work if you do this. And a relationship needs something like this to stay healthy.

That's a great recommendation! It's so hard to get him out of the house, but I think a "together day" is the only way. Thank you.

You are welcome! It worked for me!

The most important question is: Does he even recognize that this is a problem? I would consider it to be his very worst problem, because it makes it so much harder to solve any and all other problems. Alas, I've run into a lot of people to who seem to think it's perfectly okay, and inevitable, to be utterly freaked out by any and all criticism.

I don't know if your boyfriend would find the following at all helpful, or if there's any good way that you could entice him to look at these in the first place, but here are some tutorials on how to become better at responding gracefully to criticism, especially in a job situation:

- How Can I Learn to Take Criticism Without Taking It Personally?
- 7 Tips That'll Help You Stop Taking Criticism So Personally (and Make it Easier to Move On)
- Taking Constructive Criticism Like a Champ
- 5 Tips for Gracefully Accepting Constructive Criticism
- How to Take Constructive Criticism Like a Professional

Also here's a good basic tutorial on How To Be Assertive Without Being Aggressive.

Extreme difficulty with emotional regulation might not be due just to ASD. Many autistic people have co-occurring conditions such as anxiety and depression. Extreme irritability can be a sign of depression, especially in men. If it's a sign of depression, it can sometimes be helped by the right anti-depressant at the right dosage. So he should perhaps see an ASD-aware psychiatrist, if you can find one, and if you can somehow get your boyfriend to agree to go. My boyfriend's irritibility has been helped greatly by his Prozac prescription.


Has he ever tried nicotine lozenges or nicotine chewing gum in lieu of smoking?

Or maybe once every two weeks, if once a week is too often. Let's not forget that "obsession" can be great for getting work done.

Thanks, Mona. These articles are super helpful, even for me. I appreciate you linking them.

He's Greek, so the "passion" and "enthusiasm" are somewhat glossed over by his family and friends, but he is aware that he feels things more deeply than most. There's just no talking him down from it, especially because he does put a Herculean amount of work into things when he gets into it. But it does alienate his colleagues and friends.

I would love to find a way to get him in the room with a trusted psychiatrist. He's very anti-medication, afraid of losing his intensity.

Do you find there is a good way for you and your partner to communicate when one partner's obsessive thoughts become too much for the other person?

The right medication, at the right dosage, won't rob him of his passions or his focus, but will just help him become less irritable and less anxious. Alas, the right medication for him might or might not exist (there's no one-size-fits-all medicaton), and might require a lot of experimentation to find out what it is.


If he's monologuing and I'm not in a state of mind where I can listen, I usually say, "I can't absorb that right now."

When I'm concentrating on something and he needs to talk to me, I need him to break my concentration gently, e.g., by first just saying my name and waiting for me to respond before he says anything further.

When either one of us needs to help the other one through a change in mental focus, one of the things we do is give each other neck massages and sometimes back massages. This may or may not be a good idea with your boyfriend, depending on his sensory issues, if any.

In order for any of this to work well, a precondition would be that you basically respect your boyfriend's passions. Make sure he understands that you aren't trying to rob him of his passions; that his passions are a good thing, and so is his ability/desire to concentrate for long periods of time; but there are other important realities too that need to be attended to occasionally too.

1. Any advice on practicing two-way conversations? When I was working one summer in college, I met an interesting person. We chatted for about 3 hours. During that time I said about 10 words the whole time. I began the conversation and he went on for an hour. Then I tried to change the subject and he took the new subject and went on for another hour. Then I tried to change the subject again and he went on for another hour. At the end of 3 hours, I stopped the conversation by telling him that I had to eat and go to bed and he need to leave. He left.

Now I am a strange Aspie and he was more like a normal Aspie. I figured he had all these conversations stored deep inside him just wanting them to be released. So I let them be free. We became best friend, loyal friends and still remain good friends even after 50 years time.

So some of the attributes of an Aspie:
* They may not understand the give-and-take nature of a conversation (they do not engage in true two-way conversation. Instead, there is limited or awkward turn-taking, and the natural "give and take" in the conversation is missing.)
* They have a tendency to discuss self rather than others (one-sided conversations)
* They are often direct, speak their mind and are honest. Many have a strong sense of social justice.

So from my perspective be direct. If you want to say something say it and be very direct and precise. If you feel hurt by anything he says, then let him know. He will generally not know what you are feeling, so tell him. If it is time to end a conversation tell him it is time to end the conversation. Aspies are better with written forms of communication than oral. They can manage one-on-one conversations but when you add more people to the mix, it can be difficult for them to keep their train of thought.

2. How can NTs best support an AS with obsessions and volatile emotions? Many Aspies or those on the spectrum were subjected to extreme amounts of bullying. We tend to be called every name in the book. Many times this crushes our sense of self worth. So we don't deal with criticism well. It is important for an Aspie to learn that there are two forms of criticism. These are destructive criticism and constructive criticism. Destructive criticism is like all the names he was called growing up. But constructive criticism is very different. It is criticism to help him improve to be a better person. To fit into society, and family. Tell him that you have his best interest at heart and that you will never use destructive criticism on him. That all you criticism will be constructive. Tell him you love him and wish only the best for him. Tell him that there are many people in the world that will also offer constructive criticism and that a rational approach is to consider if the criticism was warranted and if perhaps a bit of truth is imbedded. He can use this and grow.

3. How can I help him slow down, maybe live a bit healthier, and find joy and self-worth outside of his obsessive work cycles? It is kind of the way we are built. When we have something that captures our interest, our whole energy will be focused. We can be extremely hard workers when we find something. Now I am 70 years old and I am not burned out. When I find something that interest to me, I still jump in. So I am not recommending that he slow down. But it would be good to become healthier and find joy and self-worth outside of his obsessive work cycles. I do not know what his special interest are, but if he is anything like me, there are several. So you might explore the world with him.