Does watching others on the spectrum help "tune you in"?

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What I mean by that - somewhat paradoxically, does observing people who exhibit ASD behaviours give you insights to correct / calibrate your behaviour to be more NT-like?

I know this might be a bit of a touchy subject, b/c some folks think in principle we shouldn't have to change, but given that NTs are 99% of the pop'n and we're the 1%... they ain't gonna accommodate us, sorry to say. Also, it's kind of self-deprecating to pose this question, but...that's where the paradox comes in, to motivate oneself to improvement means having to see your faults, such as they are, as an "outside observer".

So I can honestly say that IME, whenever I came across someone with ASD/HFA I'd make a mental note of what I observed but was simultaneously repulsed, for lack of a better word thinking "Wow!! Do I (or did I) come across like that??! No wonder people were put off by me / walked the other way as I approached / girls wouldn't call me back after dates / etc." So, in taking a lesson from the great George Costanza (and no, I don't look anything like him- women have complimented me on my looks and I've got a good height), I decided to do the opposite of what I usually do. I took on diverse interests including a working knowledge of sports and celebrities, clothing & style, music etc. I practiced in the mirror based on rom-com dialogue, read some fiction, and read a book on slang / jargon. When I later saw movies like "Adam" about a spectrumite, I thought wow to think I was like that at one point, and I consciously (or even subconsciously) made an effort to avoid his behaviours.

Likewise, when I came across the occasional person with ASD, it's like being exposed to their behaviours (and watching facial expressions of NT peers around us in the interaction) almost clicked something in my brain, as if to say "AVOID THIS".

Again, this may be a controversial topic / method, but I find that going to the source as it were, or obtaining "live" anecdotal evidence is one of the best forms of calibration therapy to make it in the NT-dominated world. The next based means is by reading social blunder anecdotes and again, something clicks in my brain to avoid that (and if I can extrapolate those social stories to similar situations, so much the better) - one great book I read was "Asperger Syndrome Workplace Survival Guide" which covered all kinds of anecdotes of misunderstandings. Just one read of that book was worth like 50 psychotherapist visits. As was half an hour of watching someone on the spectrum, for that matter.

I don't really notice when people with ASD are doing things they "shouldn't" unless I've already recognized that behaviour as "bad" in myself. There have been a few times where I was like "oh, do I do that?" and tried to stop doing something that I observed, but that's usually when I watch NTs have really, really negative responses towards something. But again, I don't often notice that stuff unless I've already noticed that I do it.

I think your idea is useful if you want to improve your masking. I know some of us talk about trying not to mask but I wonder if they really do give up much masking. If you have changed your interests for masking you obviously want to increase your masking. I think something like that might be the first thing to go when someone is trying to unmask. Most of what I have learned has been from this forum when people disclose a masking technique. I learned these: make near eye contact instead of trying to do direct eye contact; wearing sunglasses obviates the eye contact issue. I think for guys trying to mask, picking up ideas from the social missteps of others might be a good idea. I single us guys out, only for the idea that we are worse at copying NT behavior than women are.

I would have liked to do these things when I was younger to improve my social life but never thought to do them in a deliberate way. Of course, this was before the spectrum was a thing. Although I had read about Aspergers and knew about the spectrum he discovered by about 20 yo (1978). I did notice some aspies around me and certainly considered what people found odd about them. I know one guy who seems to be aggressively masking. I notice him talking sports with guys in the hall at work. Of course, I have no idea how much he really likes sports. But it seems to me he talks louder than usual while doing this. I get annoyed both by the distraction and the fact that I find it to be masking.

I suppose the first time I observed an aspie and learned what social behavior to avoid, was early in elementary school. There was another boy who would cluelessly sing a theme song from a super-hero TV program, while ignoring the distain of the kids around him. Although, I was the selective mutism type and couldn't relate to this behavior, anyway. What I did notice was we were both similarly social outcasts. Everything I heard about him later was consistent with him being an aspie. I met him later at high school age (we were going to different high schools) and he seemed jealous of me, since I was socially doing better than he was at the time.

Personally, there are some autistic or autistic-like traits I actually prefer in other people. For example, I like being with people who have an intense interest in the same things I am interested in. And I find it easiest to have conversations with people, like myself, who are deep thinkers rather than quick thinkers. I don't enjoy the kind of superficial party chitchat that many NT's are so fond of.

Instead of trying to conform to NT norms, my lifelong strategy has been to try to arrange my life so as to minimize the need to conform. For example, one way to reduce pressures to conform is by living in a highly multicultural neighborhood, with immigrants from all over the world. In such a neighborhood, people are accustomed to encountering a variety of body language, and are accustomed to having to make an effort to understand what other people are saying.

More like 2% than 1% according to today's statistics.

Be that as it may, the autistic rights movement is less than 30 years old, yet it has already made quite a bit more progress than the LGBTQ+ rights movement had made when it was 30 years old (see timeline here).

I've been intermittently involved in the LGBTQ+ rights movement since the late 1970's. (I'm bi.) And, while things are still far from perfect for LGBTQ+ people, that movement has in some ways succeeded beyond my wildest dreams. For example, back in the late 1970's, I never dared to hope that same-sex marriage would become legal within my lifetime.

So I have high hopes for continued progress for the autistic rights movement too.

But, in order for this progress to happen, we need the autistic community to become much better organized than it is now, and that's the big challenge for us. (See my Longterm visions for the autistic community.)


I think it's important to distinguish between:

(1) becoming socially and emotionally more mature, in ways that we need to learn but are not fundamentally contrary to our nature, and

(2) imitating NT's, in ways that are fundamentally unnatural for us.

I consider #1 above to be a desirable goal for autistic people, but not #2. (See Autistic-friendly social skills vs. blending in with NT's.) Goal #2, because of its unnaturalness, is not good for autistic people's mental health.

Anyhow, seeing one's own faults in other people can indeed be helpful on the path toward social and emotional maturity (goal #1).

There are autistic traits that I prefer in other people, too. I also like people who enjoy infodumping about their interests and get "intense" about them. I find the passion that some autistic people have for their interests a lot more attention-catching.

I work with autistic people on a daily basis.

It reduces the amount of masking I engage in.

NTs are not 99% of the population. Allistics are the remaining 99% of the population. NT means more than non-autistic.

I second this. It's a subtle distinction, but it matters. I've had a hard time explaining how I've simultaneously improved socially and learned to mask less over the past few years, but this clears things up. I've been doing more of #1 while doing less of #2.

The closest I've had to such an opportunity was watching Sheldon Cooper on The Big Bang Theory. Mostly, I marvelled at his ability to attract friends who didn't mind his quirks. I first assumed that he held the lease on the apartment under excellent terms.