Anyone else feel like the diagnosis ruined their hapiness?

Post Reply New Topic

I was basically told I was "on the spectrum" a while ago - more than a dozen years, lets say. It was in my early adulthood. I didn't quite know what that meant. I looked up some things on it. I don't understand why I was diagnosed because, before that, life was okay. It wasn't perfect, but it was okay. I was outgoing, goofy, of above average intelligence, known for being extremely funny and had a reasonable number of accomplishments for that time in my life.

I hear people say that they learned their diagnosis and suddenly felt relieved or things clicked. I feel the opposite. It was the worst time of my life and it's only improved slightly since then. If I have any kind of autism, I simply cannot love myself and I know I never will. I desperately, desperately, desperately do not want to be on the spectrum at all, and I'd give anything not to be. I hate myself so much for this.

I will never have children, because I feel like being autistic is the worst thing imaginable. It's like being a monster. I don't want to pass it on.

I truly hope that I might live to the day when some kind of gene expression modification can cure me of this, and then I might feel okay about myself.

Does anyone else feel like this? I hate myself so much for having this terrible terrible condition. It's not like I don't know about it. I do. I've had the diagnosis for years, so I know a bit about what it is.

The truth is that I have it pretty mildly and I interact in social situations pretty much okay. I'm eccentric and such, but I always had friends and was happy.

I feel great envy for those in decades past, who would be like me, but never have this horrible title. They lived in ignorance, but without a label. They were just "Nerdy, goofy John" or whatever.

But no. I'm autistic. I despise that with every fiber of my being. I've cried for weeks about it before. I keep coming back to drugs and alcohol over it. I hate myself so much for having this and I simply don't want it.

I would not off myself. Of course, I've thought of that before. But I don't know. I don't have the guts, I guess. Part of it is it would kill my family and my friends to lose me, but I do kind of hope an accident befalls me. I look forward to the end, because if you are dead, you can't be autistic.

I am at a low now, but not in danger. Like I said, I won't off myself. But I do hate myself for being on the spectrum. I hate it with everything I have.

I would say it is a perpetual existential crisis of existence and wondering if my world is even what a normal person sees and feels, and longing to have some humanity in me.

People often are very critical of me because I say autism should be prevented at all costs: not having kids if it runs in your family, terminating a pregnancy if genetics say it will likely be autistic, not saving the life of an autistic infant and letting them pass away.

People say this is horrible, but I feel it inside me, that this is correct, because it is the worst thing you can ever be, in my opinion.

Please do not take this personally. If you do not hate your autism, good for you. But I hate autism and, by extension, myself.

When I think about it, I even feel filthy and no matter how much I shower, I still feel filthy. I know that's just a psychological effect. But I believe I am a sub-human.

I sometimes do wish I had it worse, because then I might not be so bothered. In a manner of speaking, I would not know what I was missing. But I think I have it mildly enough that I can appreciate the pieces that are not there.

Does anyone else feel this way? Like the diagnosis just ruined everything?

Why do they diagnose people who are able to live independently and get by without it? It ruins everything.

Are you sure you weren't mis-diagnosed?

Under what kind of circumstance, and for what kind of purpose, and by what kind of practitioner, were you diagnosed in the first place? Why did you bother with getting assessed for ASD/Aspergers/whatever? Were you seeing a therapist for something else? If so, why?

If you weren't formally assessed for ASD/Aspergers/whatever, but were just "diagnosed" in a more informal way by a psychotherapist or psychiatrist who was not an ASD specialist, then you might want to get re-assessed by an actual ASD specialist.


It sounds like you hate it solely because of the label "autism." Is that correct? Your eccentricities weren't causing you any problems in and of themselves, nor were other people treating you badly because of them, but only the label "autism" is making you feel bad about yourself and your eccentricities?

If so, then I would suspect that you probably shouldn't have the label "ASD." One of the DSM 5 diagnostic criteria for ASD is: "D. Symptoms cause clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of current functioning." (Note: The symptoms cause the impairment, not the label.)

Maybe you're just in the "broad autistic phenotype" (BAP) but not ASD? BAP is not considered a disorder, at all.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 03 Sep 2019, 11:50 am, edited 5 times in total.

People on the spectrum insist that they see traits of it in me, and I've had therapists say I seem to be, but the thing is I have such mild tendencies that it's hard to tell, objectively. I have never stimmed nor have I ever experienced a sensory overload in my life.

I do have interests which I get really into, sometimes obsessive over. I see details many do not in things. I also like to organize and collect things. I have a very strange sense of humor and get bored easily. I do not tend to make natural eye contact without paying attention and reminding myself to do so.

So I don't know, but I think I definitely have some traits that would be considered autistic. But it's hard for me to assess them, because it is so painful to face up to it.

I don't understand- it reads like you are not *diagnosed* ASD, yet you are on here railing against your being ASD?

No I am. I have been for some time, as I said, like basically early adulthood/late teen/early 20's. I'd rather not be specific about my identity, so I'm being intentionally vague, but yes, I absolutely was diagnosed and some time ago. More than a decade ago.

Is that good enough?

ok. You're 2nd post was confusing in that regard.

People on the spectrum insist that they see traits of it in me, and I've had therapists say I seem to be, but the thing is I have such mild tendencies that it's hard to tell, objectively. I have never stimmed nor have I ever experienced a sensory overload in my life.

Yeah I mean, the stuff I have just kind of confirms that I must have it.

I mean I'd give anything to say I'm not, but that feels like just denial.

If you were doing and feeling ok before diagnosis, why should diagnosis have changed that? It seems you imbued the label with a power to suddenly destroy your life. But if you'd never been diagnosed, you'd still continue to be who you are...

Edit to note I see Mona's comment, and I agree

"It sounds like you hate it solely because of the label "autism." Is that correct? Your eccentricities weren't causing you any problems in and of themselves, nor were other people treating you badly because of them, but only the label "autism" is making you feel bad about yourself and your eccentricities?"

Well that's a good question, and I've thought about it a lot. The way I look at it is I became aware of what I was missing.

It was like being blind, but not knowing and then one day someone starts explaining that there is this unimaginable beauty in the world that sighted people perceive and which is beyond my imagination. I became aware that I was fundamentally missing something in my mind and that it was of the greatest importance and, above all else, beyond my comprehension. I don't know if that explains it well, but I have obsessed on this for years.

You've had therapists say you "seem" to be -- but you've never been formally tested for it by a specialist in adult ASD?


But are these traits (or other people's reactions to them) causing you any actual problems for any reason other than just your emotional reaction to the label "autism"?

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 03 Sep 2019, 12:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.

No, my happiness was ruined before my (semi)diagnosis.
The idea that I may be on the spectrum contributed to the process of rebuilding it.

Yeah, okay, so I've had professionals tell me I am "On the spectrum" and "fuzzy line" and "BAP" and other says I am "Autistic"

But as far as tests, it is so painful to face up to this possibility, but yes, you drew it out of me, I officially, yes, diagnosed, officially, I don't even feel like I can admit it to myself, and yeah, others have seen it which seems to confirm that, but yes, I am. OK?

I understand and can identify with some of what you are saying. I too decided having children was not for me for a couple of reasons: One, I looked at my father (who I know now was very Aspie) and how miserable he was with three little ones around the house and two, even tho I had no idea at the time just what it was that was different about me, I did not want to inflict it on anyone.

I can say that you shouldn't let the label bother you, you are still the same person you were before but that doesn't make it any easier, I know. If you can find a support group for adults on the spectrum near where you are, I think it would help you tremendously. Being able to see how others are dealing with various aspects of their lives would give you greater understanding. I know tho that the odds of finding such a group are much less than favorable but nothing ventured nothing gained. Ask your therapist(s) for help in this regard. Also there are meet up threads in the Social Skills forum here at Wrong Planet which would be worth checking out. But never stop searching--after you have exhausted all of the avenues you can think of, after a few months, go thru them again to see if any have appeared in the mean time.

Welcome to WP btw. We will do all we can to help you feel comfortable.

I was diagnosed about 20 years ago, so I was still a child, but I wasn't happy when I was first diagnosed and I still am not happy about it now. It's not so much the ASD, but it's how it had affected me. Having ADHD with ASD makes the ASD stand out more, even if you're only mildly on the spectrum.

I know you was diagnosed in adulthood, but I think most people who were diagnosed in adulthood are happier because they were in control of things more. What I mean by that is an adult feels he or she may be on the spectrum, and they see the doctor, get referred, get assessed, etc - it's all their choice to go through all this, and if they get a diagnosis they're like "oh good, now I have answers!" But me, I was only a child when I was going through all that, and I didn't want a label. But I was forced to go with my parents to psychiatrists or whoever deals with diagnosing special needs children, whether I wanted to or not, and I didn't really understand it properly, and it took away my happiness and suddenly made me feel like a problem child, with a label, that needed to be assessed under a microscope, and fixed, singling me out from the other children.

This is what is putting me off having children. Not only that, the thought of pregnancy fills me with fear and anguish. I think that is to do with my disorder, because everyone else has children and get through the pregnancy and painful births. But me, I am rather avoidant of pregnancy altogether because of fear and anxiety. I am also very squeamish.

I think it might be possible for people on the mild end of the spectrum to be cured, in years to come. Just wait it out.

I've had a diagnosis longer than you, and I still hate it. Sometimes I feel like I was misdiagnosed, but then that is probably due to hanging on to the tiny bit of hope that I was misdiagnosed. Then when people say "oh everyone on the spectrum is different", that also disappoints me. Also I could have a trait that I share with NTs and it feels like an NT thing, then all of a sudden there's a thread here discussing said trait like it's an autism trait instead. But I've got to remember that on autism forums, everything's an autism thing.


I've never been very good at keeping friends. Something about me seems a bit offish, but it's so, so complex, that it's hard to put my finger on where I'm going wrong. Often I'm "the third wheel" or "second best" or "the underdog". Sometimes it's like I'm existing and watching friendships form around me. It does hurt, as I have a habit of getting depressed when I'm feeling perplexed.


I don't drink, smoke or do drugs, but I can see how some people on the spectrum abuse their bodies to escape the reality. I hate my AS with every fiber of my body too.

They diagnosed me because they thought it would help me. OK it might have helped me get support in school with my work, but it didn't help me socially. As soon as I got the diagnosis, I noticed the other kids suddenly became afraid of me and avoided me, if not, they patronised me. So someone must have blabbed my diagnosis to the whole class and I was then viewed as "the kid with the label". And things got worse in high school. Kids didn't want to be seen hanging out with "the kid with the label"...in case they...got it, or something? I don't quite know how the mentality worked but it seemed that way. It left me socially isolated and miserable.

My AS ruined my childhood and teenage years. Many people will just say "you're an adult now, move on and get over yourself". No, that is the most insensitive thing to say to someone. PTSD is a real thing, I don't know if that is what I'm suffering with now, but saying those insensitive words is a bit like saying things like PTSD don't exist.

So, yeah, AS totally sucks. To some it's a difference. But to me it's a disability or a disorder.

Are you familiar with a term identified patient? I would look closer into it if I were you.