Meltdown help/advice

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Please excuse my poor grammar and spelling, I believe I'm shutting down or have already. This is taking pretty much all I have left. I haven't felt this way in a long time, I was doing ok, actually that's a lie. I was struggling but surviving. My wife has been very unwell and I've been caring for her whilst holding down a full time job, which has its own stresses which have been increasing lately. I started to ask for help, which I have never really done, and it didn't seem to change much. A few days ago I almost had a meltdown but somehow managed to stop myself, it was extremely difficult and I wanted to meltdown, I needed to, but I was at work and I cannot lose my job as I must support my wife. I now find my self empty, exhausted and in constant pain, as I no longer have the energy to drown it out. I want and need to go into full stim mode and rock back and forth but at the same time everything inside me tells me that's bad, that's a backwards step. I don't want to go to work but I have to, if I stop now I lose everything I've pushed so hard for, but I need to reset, but I also need to sort things out at work before they get worse. Everything seems impossible. I don't know what to do, I'm supposed to be my wife's rock, but I can't be that right now, so I am posting here in the hopes it will achieve something as for the first time in a long time my brain has stopped, sensory sensitivity is off the charts and I can not make a decision, or focus or even know what's next, I want to shut everything out but I don't at the same time and I know I will fall if I do nothing.

It's good that you've come here.

I remember you as a steady poster about 1-2 years ago, and perhaps longer ago than that.

No, it would not be good if you've lost your job. I'm sorry your wife is unwell. It's very stressful when you have to take care of a person who is unwell.

I would say----that if you feel like actively stimming on the job----that you should find the nearest bathroom and take a "bathroom break."

I'm not minimalizing what you're going through---but you have to take practical steps which will serve not to make you seem like you're "weird" in front of your co-workers.

What sort of job do you have?

Don't guilt trip yourself over stimming, sounds like you need the release.

Is your wife likely to get better soon or is it a long term situation?

I remember you too kraftie, it's nice to hear from you.
I have my own office and have for awhile, but management didnt want to tell anyone why, so people constantly barge in with out knocking and turn the lights on, and ask questions that don't need to be asked. "did you get my email?", 2 minutes after sending it. My normal stimming I could get away with, but I feel myself going down hill rapidly and worry I will end up under my desk rocking backwards and forwards and be non verbal or have a meltdown I cannot stop.

She has an un diagnosed mental illness, they haven't been able to work it out in 4 years and many different psychologists and pyscatrists, she is constantly changing medications which seem to help for a week or so before she has returned to a shutdown like state herself.

I know what you mean.

Do you have strategies in place when you do get the "urge" to do all which you've described?

I doubt that you have an "en suite" bathroom in your office. If you do, then it would be advantageous.

Yeah....that's the thing. Being in an office is a royal pain in the butt for us autistic people. People don't really understand sensory things at all.

Do your coworkers have any sort of "autistic awareness."

That really sucks----when one can't definitively diagnose somebody. It leaves that person and people associated with that person in a sort of limbo.

Not really, I just try really hard not to and think about what I have to lose if I do. I've been with this company for 18 years, but they still treat me like I'm a trainee.

No en suite unfortunately.

My direct boss knows of my ASD but acts like he doesn't, but I'm am certain the head of HR has worked it out as he used to work with children on the spectrum.

But it is a very nieve workplace in general.

They have thought bi polar for my wife, then treatment didn't work. Then they called it General anxiety and depression, then it was bi polar again, then bpd and now they have no idea and she's on mood stablizers, anti depressants and a anti psychotic, and she has been the one supporting me the last few days.

The anti psychotic was the latest addition which has helped her sleep, but she has constant nightmares and has started to hallucinate.

At least she's strong enough to offer support to you--even amid her own issues. That's a plus.

I know what you mean. I've been on my job 39 years (this November), and I've never been promoted. I'm sort of treated as a tenderfoot, too LOL I'm fortunate that I'm retiring in 3 1/4 years.

The condescending attitude goes with the territory. I am one who believes that one must maintain employment if at all possible. 19 years at one place is an excellent record.

I would keep the fact that I have autism very "low key" when it comes to your co-workers.

I had some issues on my job where I had to restrain myself from arguing with a person. Bite the bullet, so to speak.

Hi,

I don't know your situation but when I feel like the way you seem to describe I need time. Time to let whatever is overwhelming and confusing me wash through me like a wave and not make any major decisions until my brain has caught up a bit.

Sorry to hear about your wife.

If you have been there that long can you stim without bothering anyone?
I've been looping music as a stim at work.

I honestly thought she would crumble or hate me for not being strong. It's been the opposite, which is a good and I'm sure I'm not apreciating it to its full extent while I'm struggling.

I mean I've been promoted in a money sense, but they have always seen me as under them despite my achievements and efforts for them that largely go un apreciated. They have also always set unrealistic goals for me and that's part of the issue. I've somehow in 18 years always delivered, so I've shot myself in the foot and they expect that level of work all the time for every project during work hours and out of hours and then decide that doesn't meet ohs standards onve I put completed hours in, so they cant pay me for it.
Me being me, I keep doing the work and I'm pretty financially drained at this point and am living week to week.

Thanks.

I do stim in my office behind closed door, but I feel like I'm going down hill so fast I'm going to melt down or lose control of my stims which would freak out an NT.

I have noise cancelling headphones and I loop music, and this used to help, but it doesn't seem to be helping as much as it used to, nothing does.

How about if it's your very favorite song in your very favorite genre?

I honestly wouldn't know what that was right now. Things don't seem to be bringing the same level of comfort they used to.

I will also need to be in meetings and around people all day tomorrow, will be very little time on my own but I have to go as I need to find out what's happening with my pay and not knowing will hurt me more.

What's happening with your pay?

If I were you I’d put a big sign on the door of your office saying “please knock before entering”, and a big “no touch” sign next to the light switch.