07 Oct 2019, 1:56 pm
Naturally, as I am still trying to learn as much as I can about myself as I can so I can try to make sense of things... Well. Today I had a partial shutdown, where it almost ended up as a total shutdown. It started off as stress in the morning where both my Mum and I was slightly stressed. This brought on anxiety (What I call the fringes of a partial shutdown). I fought through and we then had to go onut so I drove to the nearest village (An ancient town but is only a small town with a castle). I was ok, but not too great. I then went in the shop as my Mum needs shoes and I offered to buy her some as it is her birthday soon. Well. The smell inside the shop where the shoes are had the "Clothes type smell" as they also sell clothes, and it was either this or the music (I didn't notice the music at all. My Mum did) that triggered off a partial shutdown. I had to go outside the shop where I sat on a damp step and waited to recover. After a while my Mum came out. She couldn't find any decent shoes for her so I picked myself up trying not to do anyting too energetic and I walked to the car.
I had to wait several minutes before I was a fit state to drive. (I wait until my body gets itself out of "Limp" mode... When my energy is restored to my limbs..). And then I was ready to drive.
I am not 100% right as I feel worn out after a partial shutdown and I feel "Vunerable"... "Fragile" is a better word for how I feel. I drove to the other village/small town and I parked opposite a long railway bridge so my Mum and I can get some things in the shop. I was stimming like mad while walking to the ride to keep myself from partly shutting down. (I find once I have had one partial shutdown I am normally vunerable to getting more,hence why I feel fragile). I went in the shop but then left my Mum so I could go back on the footbridge over the railway foe some quiet time to myself. I chose this place to park as I avoid trying to drive through the streets where people park everywhere so it can take a while to get through... When I need to avoid stress, I use alternative places which avoid traffic and too many people.
My Mum returned ad met me on the bridge and we went back to the car and I came home.
Once I had unloaded the car, as the weather is on the fringes of being damp anyway, though I didn't feel up to it, I decided to wash the car the easy way. I have an old window brush which a friend gave to me. It is a soft brush and is designed to clean train windows of flies etc. Not sure where he got it from.
The car really needed a clean, and as I have not tried this brush before, I thought it would be easier then just using the sponge. I ended up using both, but at least I used less energy...
Then just as I was finishing and feeling on the edge of a partial shutdown, as I should not have pushed myself, a family friend came with a load of stuff as one of his friends was having to downsize and the things would be chucked. Well. I could harly lift a thing, ad then I partly shutdown. Almost a full shutdown. I was stuck sitting on a breeze block on the floor for ages. Where I was sitying was damp. My clothes were already damp. I was stuck. I had already put my car in the barn but had not shut the doors of the barn. I sat there for about 20 minutes not really being able to get up (If I forced myself to get up I risked a total shutdown). I came close to a total shutdown I could hear the tinitus coming on, but it didn't lower in pitch so I didn't lose my eyesight. I was able to remain sitting leaning on the barn door, but I couldn't move.
Then I could see my Mum knocking on the kitchen window. Food is ready. I shook my head slowly. She came out.
Now something I notice when I totally shut down is my skin can go clamy and I go a little shakey just before I totally shut down. (I have heard others have this as well when they shut down)... Well. When my Mum came out she aas concerned as my face was white.
I was able to get up and slowly walk to the house. My Mum helped me close and lock the barn doors. I reached the house where my Mum gave me food, and I was slowly recovering. I do find food helps and I also had a large spoon ful of Metatone tonic. This helps too.
But I am still feeling fragile. That family friend has now gone but now my youngest brother and his wife have arrived... And another family friend. So I am sitring on the loo relaxing upstairs. My throne! Haha! My Mum did want me down because the gentleman gets a little hurt if I don't come down to talk. Luckily my brother is here and his wife instead... Though I can only hear my Mum and the elderly gent talking.
So I am relaxing... Writing on here. Just noticed. I have damp trousers and clothes on. I forgot all about them. Oh well. Maybe they will dry soon! Haha. Or I will take them off and lie down in bed, take it easy and type in here. 
I know I will be fragile for the rest of the evening. Tomorrow's another day. Lets enjoy this one first! 
