my mother is a covert narcissist

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I knew from an early age that my relationship with my mom was not normal. She was extremely jealous of my relationship with my dad whom I adored. I was never held, brushed my hair or taught any self care. I was no welcome, unwanted and pushed away all my life. She would shut me out of any family function or holiday. My few toys and pets etc would disappear one by one and she would give me her smile smirk and tell me I had lost them. She made me scapegoat and my two older brothers were the golden children. I never ever did anything right and they never did wrong. They were also taught early o n they could treat me bad usually away from my dad and I knew never to fight back because she would disown me totally. I spent my whole life trying to get her to love me and treat me like my friends moms did them. She could not be bothered to show up for school functions, my wedding or birth of my daughter. She never came to my home and visited. I was totally ignored and my dad was the only nice thing I had but she managed to limit any time with him. She backstabs me and belittles me to everyone, everyone tells me I am beautiful , smart and talented in so many areas, but never one kind compliment from her or my brothers. When I was 50 she shut me out of my dads sickness, hospital stay and funeral. I never even got to say goodbye to him. I also realize now that he allowed her to hurt me and shut me out of the family. I thought he loved me but I see now he let her control and manipulate anyone she could. I think of her like a snake , you know she will bite just don't know when. My mother was my worst enemy and took great pleasure in seeing the pain and hurt on my face. She knew I could not fight back or she would totally cut me from family. I have not spoken to her since she shut me out of my dads funeral and I hope she rots in hell right along with my horrible brothers. I try to rescue baby animals and am a foster parent. I could not hurt anyone and try so much to help and be there for other people. I am only comfortable around my grandson and his little friends. They love to come to my house for playing in the pool, helping me with the animals, gardening, painting lessons, and just play. I am only happy when I have a new rescue baby or have the neighborhood kids over to play. Most of these children consider me their other grandma and I love them all so much as I have watched them grown from babies, toddlers. I try to be the mother that I so wanted but will never have. I resent god sometimes for giving me to a mother like her but then I thank him so much for making me a compassionate loving mother and grandmother that I am today.Ihave gone seven years without her in my life and I will never give her another chance to hurt me. I will not be at her funeral nor will I mourn something I never had when she finally dies.

Your mother definitely sounds like a horrible and abusive person, but what makes you suspect she has narcissistic PD? Usually people with that disorder pretend to be nice to others in order to manipulate them into giving them what they want and pampering their egos; they're only happy with people who show them unmitigated love and affection and are virtually incapable of forming real, healthy two-way relationships.

After years of therapy and doing a lot of research. This was exactly how she was , always putting a show on for outsiders but evil at home. She fits almost every symptom of this except she never physically harm me, that might be seen by someone on the outside. She could turn her personality and mood like a switch and you never knew what would set her off. So jealous and petty.

My only suggestion is to just let go. Resentment is like you drink poison and hope the other person dies. Feel sorry for her and your brothers; your Mom was probably raised in the same type of disfunctional home and your brothers certainly can't be emotionally healthy. Be the bigger person and forgive them.

Its hard to forgive when you know they would do it to me today if I gave them a chance. My going no contact with them took a lot and now its so nice to know she can never get her claws in me again. I now cherish my life and try to be a good person daily. I enjoy helping people and rescuing and fostering animals, I believe I am so motherly now because I never had a real mother so good does come from evil after all. Thank you for the advice, I really can't forgive but there are days now when I never think of her at all so maybe time will ease the hurt.

It makes me so sad to know that there are children raised in that sort of environment. I am by no means a perfect mother but that seems unfathomable to me that a parent could behave that way. I am sorry for your pain and good riddance to her, I say...

shellfish, I envy you having two small children , aren't they wonderful and I can tell by your comments that you would never hurt them, They are blessed to have you. I am the grandma to all the kids on our street and some have been coming to my home since some of them were toddlers. I teach them how to paint, garden, take care of my rescue babies, swim in the pool, Some of them have problems at home and they can come here and forget. I feel so lucky to get to share in their lives and get to mother them like I never had. Good can come from evil!

From what you wrote, I can tell you know what you are on about. NPD mothers are a unique evil and the
saddest thing is that they will take all joy they can from your life and smear you to the world. Leave you with nothing and no-one all the while blaming you and playing the concerned role. The smile smirk, I know it..they feed on our pain. Everything they do is deniable, easily lied about. and as you're finding out, most can't believe any mother could treat their own child that way................... I have had lots of time to think about it. I lived through the exact same thing as you.
nobody will ever understand even in the rare case that they believe.
my heart goes out to you.

OP you described the classic NPD mother who triangulates the children into the Golden and the Scapegoat, typically married to a passive enabler. Your experience is also a typical example of the Scapegoated child. These mothers typically put on a big act of being "the perfect loving mother" to everyone outside the immediate family environment, usually very successfully as they are top class manipulators, and discredit the scapegoats behind their backs to the same audience, so that if you try to reveal the truth you will be discounted by them. The malicious scheming of the NPD parent never ends; the only cure is no contact, as you perhaps already know. Read up - if you haven't already done so - about their use of Flying Monkeys, also the hoovering tactic they try on when it seems their favourite victim is no longer blind and is ready to escape. Knowledge is power in this situation more than most situations. You don't have a mother, you have a monster.

Advice to feel sorry for or forgive this kind of parent is well meant though it is dangerous and futile. It also makes the victim - who is a real victim - feel more isolated and that is exactly what the NPD parent wants. The sane and safe course is to forgo rather than forgive them.

If you have not read M Scott Peck's book "People of the Lie" then I recommend it to you. He very clearly explains in it why these people are truly evil and incorrigible. There are many informative and validating blogs if you have not already found them - Light's blog, Lisette's House of Mirrors (which also has a good list of recommended blogs). You need validation, it is a very important part of recovery. I do understand the dynamics you described.

Nothing covert about her, from the sound of it. She's right there in your face with her evil behavior. I know someone like that, and you would never believe it unless you saw the full picture. Actually I know a couple of narcissists, and they are great showmen/showwomen, can totally project a picture of innocence and benevolence, and turn around and be abusive once the audience is gone.

It's too bad for you that it's the card you drew, but soak up as much love and sunshine as you can from your fur babies and your grandchildren. It's your reward for a hard life up till now.

It's because you were female, she saw you as a rival no matter how ridiculous that seems. When she dies, she WILL shut you out of any financial gain. Be prepared financially and emotionally. Remain with those who show love.