Do you care about having a family?

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So, when I was in the depths of depression over a decade ago, and also stuck with a seriously dysfunctional and violent 'family' I felt so sad that I happened to be born in this horrid situation (less horrid than others who end up killed by their parents, but it could have ended up there by coincidence)... now I've lived alone for a long time, so kind of used to it (apart from when I had a relatively short romantic relationship)... but my life still goes nowhere, although I think watching films, anime and playing games is a mostly satisfactory life. Still, many people end up in careers due to nepotistic practises, which is the corrupt kind of familial advantage... the 'neutral' positives would be to have been loved, and from what others say loved people can lead more functional lives... I still occasionally feel jealous of such people...

Getting over a childhood in dysfunctional family is a long and tough process. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you.
Be kind to yourself. You deserve it.

Don't start a family just for the sake of social pressure. One can contribute to the society in many different ways.

I went through this process, my parents split up so I can't even call it family anymore, but that's how it is. I even care about getting married and having children, but from another angle I wouldn't serve anyone.

I also came out of a dysfunctional home. I didn't marry until I was 43 (26 years ago). People raised in dysfunctional homes are often more cautious of relational entanglements.

Tony Attwood (an Aspergers expert) says that Asperger males should consider marrying someone like a nurse who already has a "giving" predisposition. I think his advice has some value in that it hints at a key to all successful relationships, self-sacrificing love.

I attended a seminar on collaborative writing and one speaker said that successful collaborations are those where both parties are willing to do 80% of the work. This was said to illustrate that it is natural for people to think they they are doing most of the work. If someone is OK with that, then the collaboration will likely be successful.

I found that a Christian context was necessary to find someone who was willing to subordinate their own interests (as I was also). This required real Christianity as opposed to church Christianity (one might read about the difference here; http:www.christianpioneer.com ).

One should consider that having Aspergers increases the possibility that you will have Asperger children. This will probably be more difficult than having NT children. You may wish to peruse the Parenting forum to consider these difficulties.

Considering how miserable people can be who make marital selection mistakes, one can see the risks involved. Elizabeth Elliot (who had a ministry to Christian women) once said that half her mail was from women who desperately wished they were married and the other half was from women who desperately wished they weren't. One also has to take into consideration that current social trends favor selfishness (which kills relationships) and is growing increasingly hostile to families.

I understand you apprehension and agree with it. I was able to find a family life, but it was only by the grace of God keeping me from the most horrible mistakes I might have made. I wish you well and that you would find that which can fill the longing of your soul.

This. A lot of people here will understand (from personal experience) what you're going through.

Like timf, I've got married in my 40s and took all kind of precautions before making a commitment. I was lucky to build a good relationship, but I would have rather stayed single than end up in the kind of marriage that I see most often around me or perpetuate the dysfunctional model that destroyed my own childhood and youth.

Magz is right - live your own life and try not to compare it with others. And be kind to yourself.

Your post reminds me of my Aspie-BFF who is often alone (and content). However her family was the opposite --- five of them obsessed with work, there was no conflict, there was no affection (the sixth: the youngest brother is closer to NT). It was stable but empty. She chose not to have a family of her own as she didn't want to "pass" that along. Her first relationship was in her mid 30s (two brief ones); in her late 40s she is in a long-distance relationship. Of her siblings, half chose not to have families; interestingly of her aunts and uncles, half chose not to have families (% are lower in the general population).

On the other hand, I am never alone (I am for hours, but when my anxiety peaks I need people). I am moderate for ASD *and* NT characteristics. My grandmother was severely abused, my mother was moderately abused, I was somewhat abused... and I am told I am raising my children well enough. So we've seen an improvement with each generation for us. Even so, I don't care about having a family, it's the adventure I chose (although I did have to persevere for near a decade, so am not quite sure what that means). I have to recommit to it every day (or else I would be absorbed by my other Interests).

Wishing you find satisfaction in your choice and/or circumstances.

Hmm well, my family was never physically abusive (I got in to fist fights with my sister as a kid, but since we're only a year and half a part and I hit back, I don't think it counts as abuse), but I do think I ended up with some emotional trauma. On purpose? Probably not. I live alone now, but I keep in touch with them. Not because of social pressure, but because I want to, though I'd be lying if I said that the fact that I'll probably need their help again if my physical disability starts acting up again had nothing to do with it. Still, I'd only need my parents' help, I have no logical reason to keep in touch with my sisters other than the fact that I want to.

I want a family of my own eventually, but not at any cost. I'd rather not have a family at all than have it with someone who isn't suitable for me.