Do normal people really act like this?

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I am the guy who made a thread about being worried about being a virgin at age 30. Anyway, at age 26, I started attending meetups and social gatherings in my city to make friends, and perhaps if things went well, maybe find a girlfriend.

So during all of the meetups since then up to now, I have encountered some of the vilest, most superficial, judgemental people in my entire life. As I have stated in various other threads, I have been lambasted, berated, humiliated, etc. for being single/virgin at my age during meetups. However, there are some other things that I have noticed at these meetups.

There normal people, i.e. the neurotypical, extroverted type of people who seem to lack any mental disorders and anxiety, seem to me, as a person with Asperger's, OCD, anxiety and other problems, that they are just a***holes. The vast majority of people whom I meet at meetups make me sick just thinking of how they treat me and other people. People in their 20s are extremely judgemental and superficial to the point that I cannot even talk with them past ten seconds. People in their 30s are almost as bad as their 20s. Both groups seem very immature to me.

Moving on to the people in their 40s, well, not much better. Many act like they are in secondary school (high school), i.e. like they were stuck at age 13 or 14 and never grew up. I have had people in their 40s say, "ew virgin, yuck" to my face. Not only that, but people make their own cliques just like back in secondary school, and exclude others whom they deem as "weird" or "not as high class at they are". The people in their 50s and 60s can sometimes be better, and I get along with them if I indeed do get along with anyone during the social gathering. But I have met way too many people in their 50s and 60s who also act like they are 13 or 14 and judge everyone by how many sexual partners and relationships they have had, how much money they have, how prestigious their job is, how many houses and cars they have, how expensive their clothes are, etc.

Regarding relationships, I always was told that people will not judge you as much as you become older. However, even women in their 40s and 50s have made some seriously negative remarks at my singleness/virginity, and it really made me feel as if I had been transported back to high school. Do middle-aged women in other places really say, "A virgin at 30 is a weirdo" and things like this? Do males in their 40s and 50s in other places lambast and verbally berate other male acquaintances for having had a failed dating life and/or being virgin?

So I am wondering--do you feel that when you meet "normal" people, they act like the people whom I just described above? I really want to know if it is I who is the weird one, or if the people whom I keep meeting are simply uniquely complete pricks.

For the record, I am a native born and bred of San Francisco, California, USA. I attend meetups solely in this city, and these are my overall experiences.

You have normal people who are as*holes; and you have normal people who are decent people.

I've met some really nasty "normal" people. And I've met some really nice "normal" people, too.

I think there are those who come across as judgemental, but inwardly they are jelous because they lost their virginity at an early age and would have loved to meet that special person who would become their husband or wife and lose their virginity at the point of marriage. It is like a special gift to each other if both parties had waited.

On the one hand, it really does not matter if one is a virgin or not. However, because society is trying to promote sex, they try to make those who have not had sex feel awkward. It is all a type of manipulative peer pressure.

I want to have sex one day much like you do (I believe you do). I am a 47 year old virgin. I am willing to wait rather then lose my virginity in an embarissing way. There is no shame to be a virgin.

I hope that one day you can find yourself a significent other who will appreciate you for who you are, and you two will become one as the saying goes.

To those who try to judge. It is their issue not yours. I mean... What has it got to do with them at what age you lose your virginity? Nothing whatsoever.

I have come across jerks but I have never come across anyone over the age of 21 who have judged people for being virgins. I've met people who have judged me for never being drunk. Where I come from people aren't that bothered about if you've had sex before or not. Well, it's not really something people talk about. Where I come from you're judged more if you don't drink, but most people older than 40 don't judge me for it. They call me sensible.

I don't understand why you would be so open about being a virgin. It's no one's business except your partner, maybe.

I tried a singles meetup once and quickly learned it was not a good approach for me. Yes, the women seemed particularly shallow and judgmental.

I think you should try other ways of meeting women. Keep trying different types of groups until you find one that works for you. I found hiking groups worked for me. I was actually staying in Sacramento, CA when I tried hiking with the Sierra Club. I remember once there was a hiker who was quite ND with us and people were very accepting of him. I later met my wife hiking with a group back in NY.

Leon,

YEP, a LOT of people are like that. DON'T tell them you are a virgin though. They will NOT see it as a good thing. OH, and Northern california, ESPECIALLY around places like San francisco, has people that will REALLY treat you badly.

Unfortunately I had already known this somewhat before attending meetups. I did not however know that the extent to which people were so disgusting and vile got this far.

I am completely used to people just staring at me, glaring at me, or just glancing at me and then turning their face away, or slyly telling other people in their group to not talk to me. I never thought that this would be one of the nicest things that I would encounter at meetups, comparing to the other manners in which people treat me.

I have never been treated worse in any other place than in my hometown of San Francisco. But I am still a bit shocked that some here have said that it is quite normal for a woman in her 40s to say, "Ew virgin" or "virgin loser" to a man whom she found out was a virgin. That kind of makes me lose some faith in humanity. And lose a lot of respect for the so-called normal people.

During my attendance at meetups, I made very few friendships, had a lot of verbal arguments, went on very few dates. But if there were a positive, I have learnt how to be more street smart, how to know when people are trying to screw me over and insult me in a passive-aggressive manner.

Why on earth is it anyone's business? I only once mentioned my "number" on a date once and that was only because SHE was a virgin who wanted to wait until marriage and I wasn't (and I believe it seriously turned her off but that's another story). If some random woman calls you a virgin loser, take a line from Stewie Griffin and say something like "well I would love to chat but you're a total b**ch."

If it hasn't been made clear by now, losing your virginity is not really that big of a deal: I was still the exact same person the next day and there was no visible marker that I was no longer part of the virginity club. Heck, if anything my wife married me in spite of the fact I had slept with multiple women not because of it. One pregnancy scare with a crazy woman (before the Mrs.) was enough to make me realize there are also serious downside to being 'active'.

So... disclaimer... I'm NT. Just want to be upfront about that.

That said... I'm having a very hard time with this one.

First of all, I've been to many Meetup groups in my city. And I'm wondering what groups you're meeting with. Like, what the topic or type of group it is.

Secondly, I'm wondering why on earth you would disclose to a group of strangers that you are a virgin. That's personal information; it's no one's business under most circumstances.

So my guess is that you're weirding people out - and that's why you're getting the reaction you're getting. There are a few people in my Meetup group who I suspect are autistic - and this one guy in particular that I'm thinking of, does things that are sometimes socially inappropriate. So people around him (who may not be aware that he may be autistic) are weirded out by him and have probably shot him a few disgusted looks. And from HIS perspective, he may feel that people are just being mean to him. I'm not saying it's right, but that's what happens when there's a major disconnect between people.

In the future, you may want to keep the virgin thing to yourself. It's no one's business but your own.

I agree with all this. You have started more than one thread on WP to reveal that you are a virgin, so it's no surprise that when you speak to people in real life to reveal this -- they're reacting to you the way they are.

The idea of someone being a virgin is not what is weird -- what's weird is that someone speaks up to say it in front of relative strangers. As Luhluhluh said, it's no one's business but your own.

It also works the other way as well. If some guy brought up that he slept with (normal number of) women without anybody soliciting that information and it was a hiking club, I and most people would be majorly weirded out and wondering why on earth he was bringing it up. Same reason why I don't discuss my interest in "kinks" to anyone in real life other than to people who need to know.

I don't exactly go to a job interview and immediately say "Hi, my name is GHF. I have had sex XYZ times with X women."

Like I said, I do not just blurt it out randomly. People ask me that. They ask not only me, but other meetup attendees. It is normal here to talk about sex and sexual history to strangers. This is a typical San Francisco trait. A guy might just come up to you and say something like, "Man, dating is hard here. Have not had sex in a month. What about you?"

And on dates, like I said again the last date I was eating dinner with a woman, and she changed the conversation about talking about living in the UK to birth control and sex, then asked me about my experiences. It happens much more than whereever you live, I guarantee that.

But I am definitely not offering to reveal that I am a virgin to everyone. I feel that that is what you think that I am doing.

Since I turned 30, I have refused to answer their questions about my romantic/sexual history.

I must reiterate that I am not offering to volunteer to say that I am a virgin randomly. Since this a help forum, of course I can state this when I type. But I do not talk like this in public. On a forum I am anonymous and no one here knows me personally--in meetups clearly people know me face-to-face and my real name and how I look. I think that some here are getting the wrong idea that I am the one who is actively going up to people and telling them that I am a virgin. That is not the case.

What happens is that in the past I used to naïvely answer their questions honestly. Now I refuse to answer them. People here in San Francisco often talk openly about their sex lives and relationship history, even with people whom they just met. It might sound weird if you are not from here, but over here people very much do this on a regular basis.

They do not ask only me, they ask everyone about sexual past and relationship history. If you are in a group talking with newcomers, someone might just randomly start sharing stories about their sex life or their past relationships. Talking about their ex is common, talking about the details of their latest sexual encounter is common. Lots of things are common here that are considered highly inappropriate in other cities.

I attend meetups that are not sex-related at all. One is a meetup about Europe and European expats. Another meetup is a foreign language meetup. Another meetup is just a general social gathering type meetup. All of these meetups meet in bars.

Even though the topic of the meetup is to socialise with others, talking openly about sex with strangers is very common here.

If you are wondering, I attend meetups only in the San Francisco area.

Hmmm....interesting subculture they have there in Frisco.

You could try just making up a stock story like: "I scored once with a chick at a college frat kegger once, but things have been dry since". Then let the other person do all of the talking.

At meetups, people act generally very immature in my opinion. People in their 20s and 30s act like they are 13 or 14. But people in their 40s and 50s also tend to act like they were 13 or 14. In better cases they act like they are 18 or 19. But women and men here have their own cliques. It is kind of like the middle-aged men are in a fraternity, and the middle-aged women are in a sorority. Some people make the "L" sign with their fingers when they found out that I was virgin/single. It is a bizarre social dynamic here. You have to see it yourself to believe it.

Of course, when I was in high school, I was shunned by the popular, talkative, over-confident types. Now it seems like when I attend meetups that I were transported back to high school.

But you obviously ARE telling people because otherwise how would anyone know??!

I live in a very liberal city as well (not as liberal as SF but close enough) and yeah, people connect with each other by talking about sex too, especially in Meetup groups - because people in Meetup groups are there to "socialize" but often the unspoken reason is that they're also looking to find someone to date.

Which also makes me wonder... are you one of those guys who shows up at a Meetup group only to follow around all of the single women in the group and immediately start trying to hit on them? I'm not saying you do this... but... yeah, we've had guys in our groups like that. People don't take too kindly to it and the leader of the group may throw you out for it.

And, yes, people group off. That's not odd or weird or even bad. That's what people do. People who have certain similarities will find themselves grouping together - because they have shared experiences they can talk to each other about. Totally natural, and there's no age limit to that.

I'm glad you're not openly offering others that you're not sexually experienced. You don't have to even ignore the question. You can just say something very vague like "Well... it's been a while, I'm in a bit of a dry spell, know what I mean? **wink, wink, nudge, nudge**" And then change the subject and ask them about THEIR experience. Or you can just do what a lot of men and women do and just lie about it. (and yes, they do lie or exaggerate about it)

Anyway... I still think you're experiencing a disconnect with others. And after reading one of your earlier posts about you being depressed about your birthday coming up... I think what you're missing out on is social skills. You're misreading others and others are misreading you. You have to work on that. It's a skill, and not something you can learn out of a book or watch a video about.