Trying To Discern.

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A question I have been asking myself.... Sometimes it is easy to work out but a lot of the time it is not.

Regardless if I am on the spectrum or not, I have some traits. Now apart from the obvious, which in my case are the anxiety and the shutdowns.... With a few of the other traits..... If I find I am struggling, how do I know this is not something everyone else on this planet gets? I have gone through life assuming I am physically and mentally normal (As I didn't know anything about autism except that it was a dissability, and I never knew why I was a little slower then others in sport etc., where my balance and co-ordination may not have quite been the same etc.), but with a different upbringing so I was a very different and rather unique character...
Since I have been on this site and found out many of the aspects are autism related as in traits, it is confusing me to try to figure out where the traits end and the character of "Me" begins?
Also difficult to work out.... And this is something that I have really noticed all my life but never understood the reason why until recently, but I still find it hard to work out....is that why is it, that others can skim through certain physical tasks and learn them quickly without much thought, and yet it took me a mamoth task to not only learn by practice, practice, practice... But also, often I would have to repeat this method twice or more because I seem to need to learn things more then once. It ks like... If I have learnt something, it does not immediately stay if that makes sense?
But somehow others don't take so long to learn things and it stays with them for longer... Especially in a physical way.
And also, I have noticed, that somehow, if I do a physical task I need to put two or three times more effort to do the same task that other people are doing. For years and years and years this used to really puzzle me! Especially as I was often used as a "Go getter" because I wasn't that quick with other tasks which became all the more frustrating as I always felt and resented that I was used in this way. I mean... I was never really rewarded like some of the students or workers who had learning difficulties were in that by doing the physical tasks they got out of doing the other tasks. No, for me I had to do them both as I was expected to catch up on all my "Other" tasks later in my own time! This has basically been my life story!

You can see how frustrating it was for me to be like this, and on top of it all, be having partial shutdowns and shutdowns while desperately trying to catch up when others just sat there and watched.

So now in my life things are opening up. Things are starting to make sense. Though things are still a bit blurry round the edges, as... You see... At what point do my character and my traits "Kick in" and how can I compare these points to a "Normal average person"?

It really is a difficult thing that I am trying to process here because I simply don't know. It could just me me and I am complaining when maybe if I or anyone else does a task, we all put in the same effort to get the task done? I seriously don't know! All I know is whenever I do things physically, my best efforts usually seem to be about 80 to 90% of other peoples cruising abilities (If that makes sense? I seemed to need to put in 110 or 120% to match their 60 to 80% somehow?).... And then to get partial shutdowns on top means that my working life became aweful where 4 hour shifts felt like I had worked a whole day. If it wasn't for my mechanical expertize and experience I would need double the time to complete the tasks.
So I was finding that unskilled youngsters were working almost twice as fast to do the same tasks that I was, BUT they preferred me because at the end of the day, my work did not normally have any comebacks, which was not the same with other peoples work. (I did offer to train other people but we never really had the time).

But back to the question. Is there a way of knowing where traits, character and expected average abilities can be seperated to work things out?

^^^IOW, "am i my autism"? very good question. since i've almost never lived without this thing acting as an energetic and existential filter on my life, i have no frame of reference to gauge how much of me is "me" and how much as AS. all my life i've always had to work several times as hard as NTs for only a fraction of the product that NTs put out without drama.

That's the thing. And if we get to be in our "Comfort zones" where our special interests lie, the opposite may be true.

I noticed that in my past (I can't say the same these days due to lack of activity due to inreasing shutdowns and burnouts) that I became good at cycling because I could compensate the lack of quick motor control by using sheer force instead. Other people could rev their socks off, and yes... I could rev... But it was my ability to push and grind my way through is why I became a good cyclist. Also, it seemed to take me longer then my friends of my age to learn to ride a bike... But I was absolutely determined to do it so by the time I was 7 years old I did it! It took a few years of continually trying without stabilizers before I achieved it though. Some were balancing and riding very early. One kid had mastered it in my village and he was only 2 and a half. Most others were about four or five.

i didn't get to riding until about 7 also. the only time in my life where i felt subjectively "normal" was the brief period my insurance would pay for Strattera, the only time in my life when i experienced simultaneous alertness and relaxation, clarity. @ $20/capsule the insurance soon balked at paying for it so i was off of it cold-turkey and back to addlement and restriction.