Shtudowns?

Post Reply New Topic

I've been thinking a lot about shutdowns and meltdowns after conversing with MountainGoat, I keep thinking about them. I was convinced that I've never had a meltdown or shutdown, but as I read more about it on these forums, the more uncertain I become.

In particular, one regular occurrence in college (and even before college) was that sometimes I lose control of my limbs, starting from the feet. Typically, when I am surrounded by people or standing in line or having to talk to people. I start to lose the ability to control my feet and that loss of control slowly creeps upwards, while a sense of great unease and a sort of hyperawareness of people in my surroundings falls over my entire body. I have to remove myself from the situation and it takes a couple of minutes for me to regain control of my limbs and a lot longer for the sense of unease to go away.

However, the triggers aren't entirely clear to me. For example, when I was in college I often went out to a Chinese restaurant to order take out. After an initial period of awkwardness, I got used to placing my order. One day I went in to order out and got struck by the feeling of unease. Same cashier, same Chinese restaurant, I was even going to order the same dish I always did, but I don't know what came over me, instead of ordering like I usually did, immediately saying "One order of shrimp & lobster sauce combo with crab rangoon." I began to freeze up. I managed to get to the counter and bought time for myself by acting like I was looking at the menu and eventually managed to force out. "Uhm, I'd uh like the shrimp and lobster sauce...combo..." The cashier asks "with crab rangoon or egg roll." and I reply "Oh, uh crab rangoon."
In this case, I have no idea what triggered me, college stress? Was I sick? I only remember not wanting to go outside that day, (but I had to, I still need to eat after all). I had always thought I was simply nervous around people, yet the possibility that it could be me having a partial shutdown in public is concerning, I need help from the wise and more experienced voices on this forum to help clear this up for me. Do the symptoms I describe look like an autistic shutdown or more like a bad case of the nerves.

Usual triggers of the condition.
1. Trying to talk to (or even being in proximity to) someone I consider attractive
2. Giving a presentation before an entire room full of people.
3. Being surrounded by people, usually when in line for the cash register or anything else.
4. Doing things for the first time (like when I go somewhere alone for the first time, like the first few times I ordered out at that Chinese restaurant.)
5. When things don't go as expected. (I usually have a plan when I go outside, sometimes, that plan is disrupted and I begin to get really nervous. To give an example, I usually walk outside when there are few people in the streets, so that I don't encounter people, I wear headphones so I have an excuse to ignore people, but sometimes people still talk to me, at a moment like that I feel the nerves coming on and usually do my best to resolve them/get away from people before I lose control of my legs and fall) (I don't usually fall, I sit before that happens.) Another example would be going to the store to buy something only to find that what I want to buy is all sold out, but I think it'd look weird to leave a store right after walking into the store without buying anything and I start walking around acting like I'm browsing when I'm trying to think of something to buy quickly so I can get out.)
6. When trying to go against a person in a position of authority. (Example: I read online that the platinum was cheaper than gold I was certain that my teacher was wrong when he said platinum was more valuable than gold, I said it isn't right now, he replied that I was wrong and I felt the nerves coming on. Of course, it could have less to do with the fact I contradicted him and more to the point that I contradicted him in front of a class full of people.)

It'd help me a lot if this was cleared up, I had always gone about approaching this problem as if I was simply having a bad case of the nerves, so my solution was simply to get used to stuff and expose myself to the triggers repeatedly. If it is an autistic shutdown, my solution might not be the most effective one I could use.

I can identify with some of your traits. Actually quite a few.
I am still learning myself. Today someone said something that made sense. Sometimes, one can get a build up of stress that does not in itself trigger a shutdown, and then a very minor thing happens and one shuts down.
I am very well aware of the falling to the floor or the need to sit down if partly shut down. It a a semi controlled fall so it looks to other like ones faking it. My experiences are that I went for most of my life having them and no one around me understood and I was not able to explain. I call partial shutdowns ones where every movement takes great mental effort. I sometimes get grumpy as I want to quit conversations and withdraw to recover... When they happen some people assume I am drunk as I lie on the floor waiting to recover, which is great because they take a wide berth. However, on rare occasions during a total shutdown, I have been on the pavement with a leg or arm on the road and when I start to recover enough to move, the effort of moving for safety then brings on another shutdown.
I have on many occasions had to lye on the grass or benches in public places in the rain and powerless to move to a dryer place.
I can usually delay the shutdowns but if I do I get a total shutdown later where it is almost like I am in a coma as my eyesight has gone and due to loud tinitus as my eyesight goes, my hearing (If I can make sense of what I hear at the time) is useless. However, often a long time after, while my short term memory may not be up to much, my long term memory kicks in and I can examine every word! But this could take a few months or even several years for the long term memory to kick in. (Usually I have to spend ages thinking about the one event from many different angles as I keep "Chewing the cud" on the event before it all becomes clear.

But yes. A partial shutdown feels like you have huge power potential (I used to have very powerful legs due to cycling) but no energy to make use of that power. To me it can feel like a rechargeable ni-cad battery that suddenly depletes seemingly without warning (I have now learnt what triggers them as doctors said in the past it was some sort of allergy which sent me on years of altering diets trying to make sense of things and getting no where). The ni-can batteries suddenly drop in power and end up with a warm glow just to show that ones torch is still working. That is how a partial shutdown feels like. One also feels an aweful panic or stress the deeper the shutdown goes. It almost feels like fainting but with fainting, one needs a little pampering afterwards, but with a shutdown, pampering sends one into another shutdown which is really annoying!
Hospitals trigger shutdowns for me. Long enclosed corridors and waiting rooms full of people staring at me! The hospital bleach smell causes me to have big shutdown issues. My Mum can't use bleach at home unless I am out of the house and she has to open the windows or shut doors to prevent me having issues so she only ever uses it if she has to, and she gives me warning so I can avoid the aea.
I was once 6 hours in hospital having a blood test. I shut down when I was having it done. The nurse assumed I had fainted. She then kept tapping my hand shouting "Hello" and insisting I told her where I lived, what day it was... What is my date of birth etc. Every time I began to recover this proceedure made me shut down again. In between shutdowns I was saying "Stop talking" which wasn't easy and I think took two hours of shutdown after shutdown before she finally took the hint!
I was then able to recover enough to somehow roll onto a wheeled chair and they wheeled me down to A&E to be checked and recover there. A doctor there asked "Do you have autism?" I said "I don't think so" (I never knew but had several people ask me that in a few years). He said something more was taking place then fainting as he said it wasn't fainting.
I recovered just long enough to reach my car before the six hour parking limit. I actually went over, but no one noticed!

Also, different people experience shutdowns ad meltdowns differently and have different triggers.

What you describe sounds like a typical reaction to anxiety. Some who operate only within a realm of comfort find themselves constrained to an increasingly smaller arena.

You might want to experiment with various strategies to accommodate the unexpected. As you discover tactics that allow you to survive the unexpected, you begin to accumulate "tools" that will let you expand your comfort zone.

@ Timf Probably a smarter way to deal with the anxiety rather than my strategy of "Repeatedly expose myself to the source of my anxiety and get used to it." Thanks, timf.

@mountaingoat I've always managed to find a seat or slide down a wall and look like I'm sitting down before I actually fall, so I'm quite lucky in that respect. If only this issue was more simple to figure out, I still think its anxiety, but I've become more open to the fact it might be something else like shutdowns, Oh wow I just realized I wrote shutdowns with a typo in the title, oops.

Anxiety and stress are some of the most likely triggers of shutdowns. I can get a build up of anxiety and not know it. But sometimes I know I have it. For example, the last time I worked I had to get there about half an hour early and for about 20 or so minutes, though I was not shutdown or partly shutdown, I could not get out of the seat of the car and had to wait about 250 to 25 minutes before I could.
It didn't feel like a partial shutdown but they are linked. (I was also so mentally active at night where I could not sleep, that I was only getting around four hours a night sleep, and I was only working a few days a week with a day off between days and my shifts were typically about 4 or 5 hours long).

What you describe sounds like a form of anxiety attack brought on by the stress of having to deal with the norm world. Even when doing something normal for you, you can still get an attack if you are having a stressful day, even if you don't realize the stress has built up enough to do that.

Shut downs usually refer to emotional shut downs, where you limit contact with the world outside yourself. If you can't keep away from the world, you limit your emotional interactions with people. That's a shut down.

Anxiety attacks, like shut downs, and melt downs, are common on the spectrum. I've mostly had melt downs and shut downs, but have had anxiety attacks without a physical component. Fortunately, I rarely have melt downs anymore, and now that I live alone, I don't have much of a problem with shut downs, or anxiety attacks. Prolonged contact with other people caused most of my melt downs, shut downs, and anxiety attacks. Living alone, and limiting contact with others was the solution to these problems, at least for me.