Are urges and tight self-control common?

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I grew up with a very straight-laced mom and a mostly absent (at work), but strict and angry father. I wasn't diagnosed with Aspergers until I was in my 40s. In my second marriage (seems to be working after over a decade together), usually hold down good employment positions for a few years at a time (management, accounting, etc). And have an overly developed sense of responsibility. Anyone who's met me would say that I'm very calm, controlled and mellow.

On the other hand, they can't see inside my head, so they don't see the urges I get to act out (for lack of a better word). Sometimes, I want to yell for no reason. I want to throw things, hit things, slam myself into a wall. I want to be able to express my physical strength and see what sort of impact I can make. I'd like to flail around a bit. Maybe slam on the gas and speed down the freeway. All of this, I know, I want to do without regard to myself, others or my environment. And I've had these desires for decades.

I think a dream situation would be having a room with sound proofing and mattresses on the walls that I can hit, slam into, yell as loud as I want and not have anyone see me, so no one can judge me on what I do.

But every time I think of these things, I instinctively hold myself back, for fear of damaging anything important, medical bills, being seen as crazy or otherwise impacting my public appearance. About the most I end up doing is clenching my fist or yelling a cuss word in my car when I know no one is near enough to hear me. Even then, I feel self-conscious about it.

Are those urges common to people on the spectrum? Is it typical for us to be so strictly in control of ourselves that we don't express ourselves or act on them?

No, it's usually the opposite with people on the spectrum. I've had to go on meds to control rage outbursts. It is common for Aspies to self harm, bang their head, throw objects, etc, during meltdowns or angry episodes. I wish I did instinctively have better control over expressing my emotions.


This is called being an adult, not being an Aspie. Every (well-adjusted) NT adult should have learned how to hold themselves back from lashing out angrily, especially in public. If they do, they will be making a scene, which is considered anti-NT or abnormal behaviour.
What makes you think Aspies have a better ability to instinctively control such behaviour?

I hear you. The way others perceive me is the same as you, especially at work - always in control, calm, always called by my CTO when there's a crisis, the guy who always keeps his shite together (little do they know). They even joke that all I have to do is get just a bit cold and curt and everybody goes white and hurries up.

I won't bore you with the details, but I grew up with a lot of violence and repression and had a lot of seething anger in my youth. Introspection, studying autism, being around better, more loving people and living in a more laid-back environment helped a lot, but I still struggle with insomnia, intrusive thoughts and depression and sometimes, yes, anger and a desire to destroy, aimed at times at the things I love the most. You see, the violence in my childhood and youth pushed me to make some sort of sacred promise to myself that I would never be violent or direct my anger towards others.

The only thing I can suggest is taking up a martial art or sport that allows you to do exactly that: punch and scream. I often spent an hour or two after work doing just that before returning to my family. And since you say you have a good marriage, ask your wife for help if you can - write to her if you cannot talk. Tenderness and a feeling of being understood without having to say much soothed me through some of the storms.