Feeling guilty / Problems with son

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Hi,

Have a question about son/home situation. Guilt is eating me up for the past few days.

Will try to explain the situation in short. I'm divorced have 2 kids living permanent with me. Daughter is 23, son is going 20 this year. I have no problems with my daughter. But with my son, the problems started somewhere 3 years ago. He was a nice kid when he was small, but he met the wrong friends later on. Started to hang out with them, doing bad stuff, like fighting, stealing, extortion. Also at home he was verbally abusive to me and at one point he was even ready to beat me. I just left the room, because I didn't have any appetite for things like that. So, to make a long story short, he got involved several times with police, juvenile court and youth detention centers. Until this day he is still living with me and keeps getting in trouble with law enforcement. Last month he beat up a innocent man to squeeze money out of him. He still has to appear in court for that. He is unwilling to follow schooling or find a job. In my eyes he is just a moocher. So, the summary of the events of the last 3 years made me start to dislike him very much, not just now, but already a few years. So it needs no explanation that we live together in a tense situation and there are regular verbal exchanges. I still consider him as my son, I don't want anything bad to happen to him, and I don't want him to be homeless but my sympathy is gone.

This is one side of the story. The other side is, maybe I was not the warm loving parent when he was small. I did my best, never showed any criminal example or things like that. But most of my life I struggled with depression and anxiety as ASD comorbidities. So maybe he lacked things as a kid. I feel bad about that. Maybe he hooked up with those bad guys because he found brotherhood and maybe he got the feeling that they were all his friends.

I tried to keep the intro short, this is the background information. My question is about this :

I don't like visitors in the house except for a few relatives I have left, like my mother and sister and that's pretty much all. The problem is, my son has the habit to bring his friends in the house from time to time. I can understand that perhaps he's bored at home and he wants company. After all, most young people have friends. But I simply don't like the visits. I told him already a thousand times that if he wants to hang out with them, fine, but don't bring them here. He's very defiant not to listen to anything I say. Already years like that. It's difficult to explain, but my house is for me a place to retreat after work, a place where I feel relaxed, where I find rest and where I feel safe. I don't like unexpected visits. If the doorbell rings (what rarely happens), I hide and wait until they go away, whoever that person was.

Part of his friends are also guys who got already in trouble with the law, so they are not your typical nice highschool boys who visit. I don't like them in the house and my son also brings everybody upstairs who visits, to eat chips and drink energy drinks. Some crash in and stay the whole night. I just feel my privacy invaded. It's not happening every day, but regurarly. But I hate it. Just like last friday, he brought a friend in the house again. I told him "how many times I still have to tell you"?? His answer was, we will be quiet upstairs, and we don't do anything wrong. I asked him when he will leave. He said saturday morning. On saturday afternoon he was still there and after I got home from doing some groceries, I noticed a second friend made his way inside when I was absent. So my son and the other 2 were outside smoking sigarettes when I arrived home. I just blew up. I went outside and told them "Just get out here, this is my house and MySpace". So they left. Of course everybody angry again, me, my son and this goes on and on. It's just a matter of time before it will repeat itself again.

And since saturday I feel guilty of what I did. Sometimes I have those meltdowns, but a half hour later I regret it already. And then it's eating me. Of course I understand that young people needs friends and they meet, etc, etc....
I just don't know how to deal with this situation. I scold my son on saturday and told him to get out of the house ASAP and find your own place. Also that I regret. Most of the time everything I say in a rage, I regret it later on. But it feels like I can't stop those meltdowns that build up during such a situation and all of a sudden gets released when the stress boils over. Even I know already that later on I will regret it, on that particular moment I have to unload the stress. Those 2 guys didn't say anything, just staring at me with almost open mouth, It's not nice of course, I don't want to do that.

I don't know if people recognize this and how do you deal with it?

Thanks a lot ! !

My dad kicked me out at 17 and I was not even getting in trouble. What I needed to learn was not there.
Have you tried working with a counsellor, so that you are not making decisions under extreme emotional stress? You can only do your best with what you have - families often diverge. Things may improve in a few years, once the teen rebellion has run its course. If teens didn't get so obnoxious, they wouldn't grow up as much.

Psychiatrist

A successful life will usually have some component of self-discipline in it.

Your son seems to have missed the opportunity to develop this character quality. His disinterest in schooling or even building a future seems to reflect the new skills of getting what he wants by force from others. This seems to be reinforced from his associates that have the same view of life.

Those without self-discipline often find external discipline impressed upon them. This might be consequential like prison. It might be circumstantial such as some find in military service. It can even come from the influence of those who are respected. It sounds like you son is following a path of living for the moment and does not have anyone in his life that he respects.

You do not have much to feel guilty about. Every parent has things they wish they could have done differently in hindsight. However, you made the best decisions you could have at the time and with the information you had available.

One creative thing you might try is to contact a Christian organization that works with those who have been released from prison. You might rent a room to a reformed ex-convict and see if your son will try getting tough with someone who has been down the road he is starting and has learned to now take a different path.

The odds of your son's reformation are small, but it might create an environment for him to move out and the difficulties of trying to support himself might aid in his learning some discipline.

Gosh, I'm slow. This is March 23, CV-19 era. You get to ban gatherings of people, of whatever age, and you should.

Halfway home

Group home

Write down the rules of the house. Sit down and tell your son that if he doesn't follow the rules, you will kick him out of the house

Kick him out of the house

Thanks to everybody for replying...

Yes it is taking by force what he wants without any respect.

I also told him that he shouldn't bring people in the house esp. now with that corona thing going on.

That's also what other people say, eviction, seems the only way.

Thank you ! best regards....