I just got a formal complaint by a NT coworker :(

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At my job, I thankfully don't have to interact with hardly anyone. The exceptions are my boss, my back up (who takes my place if I'm sick or out of office), and the executives I work for remotely (through e-mail, thank God). My back up sits across from my and I thought we were beginning to be friends. She often vented to me and disclosed things that could get her in trouble and is friends with two co-workers I consider friends. As my back up, I have to tell her anytime I will not be in the office so she can handle working for my executives. Well, I have had a LOT of doctor appointments with my ankle surgery follow up appointments, then my cancer scare, then fibromyalgia, and now hypertension treatment and autism testing. While some appointments don't take long, I make sure to let her know when an appointment will be longer or an all-day affair. Sometimes I think it won't be long but then it is... so I update her accordingly by letting her know what's going on. Well, she told me before that I didn't have to disclose the details of my medical problems with her and I told her that she needs to know when and why I won't be there so she knows I am not taking advantage of her and am being responsible.

One day I verbalized to myself that it'll be such a relief to be able to explain why my brain interprets things differently and why I don't always understand what is truly being asked of me. She countered by asking why my executives would need to know at all. I said that they didn't, but it made sense to me to let them know since it does impact the work I conduct and how we can communicate more effectively. She said the only reason I would want to tell them is to gain favoritism and to not work as hard as everyone else. What she doesn't realize is that working a steady, full-time job is a lot harder for me to maintain. Without medication, I would not be able to have this job at all. I explained that to her and she just reiterated that I am seeking special treatment. I broke down and cried. Later that weekend when giving her an update on my next appointment I told her that I realized after talking with my boyfriend that she is right and it would be better to only let HR know and not my executives.

We haven't verbally spoken since. I only write her to let her know I have an appointment or when I'll be later than I had hoped due to crazy changes like having to make another stop in another state order to get my license in this state, etc. Well... she submitted a formal complaint to my boss and I was sat down and received a verbal warning to not tell her any medical information or details of my absence ever again. I explained to my boss that I hadn't spoken to her in weeks and have only been sending her details that explain why it's taking so long. My boss then explained that I don't have to explain myself to anyone. I have days for sick days and personal days and no one needs to know why I use them or why I am away later than I said I would be. I was relieved but confused. "What if you, my executives, or my back up begin to think I'm just being lazy or taking advantage? Shouldn't you know why I'm absent?" She said no and that those days are a part of my job. I had never had that before. All my previous part-time jobs made a HUGE fuss when I would be absent for ANY reason and always wanted an excuse of absence.

I asked my boss if I could work with someone other than my back up because it makes me uncomfortable to know that she could take one of our many misunderstandings and blow it up. I don't want to get in trouble again. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells. Three complaints and I'm risking my job! I work for a company that claims to support "Diversity and Inclusion" and has a Neurodiversity department solely for innovators (I'm not part of that department). But there isn't any support for people with social and sensory issues. I have a meeting with the head of the Neurodevelopment department to see if there are any support groups or resources for getting through the work day without conflict or meltdowns. I had a huge meltdown yesterday with flapping, kicking, and hitting. I felt so helpless.

I understand that I should not speak to this woman ever again and be extra cautious around NT in my office, but I'm naturally bouncy, bubbly, and always overshare. It's hard, but I know that I MUST control myself.

What have you guys found has helped you avoid or quell conflict with other NT coworkers?

I'm sorry you went through all this. This person who informed on you is a rat fink. But I'm glad you didn't inform on her---even though you could have.

It doesn't have much to do with being "NT"---it more has to do with the fact that the person who informed on you is a b***h.

You can have NT b*****s; you can have neurodiverse b*****s.

I wouldn't paint NT's with a broad stroke; just like you wouldn't want NT's to paint you with a broad stroke.

I've been working for many years. NT's come in all shapes and sizes, all personalities.

What's worked for me with NT co-workers is portraying myself as sort of a clown/court jester/eccentric-type person. And work your butt off. I have a reputation both for being a little cuckoo, and for also being very knowledgeable about my work.

I thought it was all due to miscommunication but she has reported people before for far less (manager not saying hello to her and others because they think he is "racist"). She is probably on edge too and overly assertive because she feels like she needs to overcompensate as a woman of color to be taken seriously. I get it, I'm a Hispanic woman, and have heard all kinds of stories from my family; but I, personally, don't feel that way at all. I really just want to be left alone. I do understand the mistrust of others because of differences, just as I thought she might have misunderstood me because she is NT and I am not. Maybe it's not any of that and she really is just a b****... but it doesn't matter. I don't want to project my fear onto other NT's and I was starting to feel that way yesterday . I just don't want her to cost me my job. I mask here but still show my personality here and there in acceptable ways. I stim very often but try to keep them not very noticeable. I have noise cancelling headphones and stim toys to help. I am good at my job, but office complaints can cost me my job even if I excel at it. That's why I'm just going to keep to myself from now on. It worked in high school with bullies and it'll work now. It sucks that the privacy room isn't private at all. Apparently coworkers could hear my meltdown .

Silence is sometimes golden. Your boss is right. Be nice, friendly and formal and don't disclosure you privacy to much! Shut your mouth and open ears and eyes until you have improved at reading people emotionally and know how to deal with misbehaviour. Just don't let them tell s**t about you and your work now. There are nice people and people who aren't. Many NTs try to competite with all others around them. What your coworker does seems to be part of it. Some women like to be manipulative for improving their own social state and for this aren't nice about you once they think you won't find out how they are. Not all are this way of course.
Btw. some people become racist just because of colored people who have a mental problems and are a digusting way to others and blame all others who dislike them because of this that they would be racists. But may be I shouldn't discuss this kind of stuff here.

I really can't help you with that woman but I agree that she's a b****. I think it especially mean to tell you that you only want to disclose your problems to gain favouritism. Unfortunately a lot of people think that a condition is something that gives you an undeserved advantage, which it does not do at all. Disclosing is in the best interest of you and of your boss.

However, your boss is absolutely right. The details of your appointments and conditions are no-one's business. If you tell that coworker, that you won't be here, that should be enough. If you're very open it would be okay to tell you you have a doctor's appointment but about what, that is absolutely none of her or anybody else's business.

It sounds a lot as if your boss already knows what kind of person she is, so I wouldn't worry too much about her. A formal complaint is something that would make me have a meltdown as well, but seeing it from a distance, I think you'll be just fine. There are always people who seem to thrive on trying to make life harder for others - and very often bosses and co-workers also know who those people are and don't take them too seriously.

Good luck!

Offering my understanding. I am bubbly and overshare. I also give reasons (seemingly at the wrong times) and then remember I am not supposed to give reasons so don't (which again is seemingly at the wrong time). I once was released from a temp job b/c I mentioned I had a medical test (which was not infectious, but somebody was uneducated and thought it was), after a few calls I was reinstated with back pay. Yes, please keep in mind that this seems to be your co-worker's Method of Operations and it stinks that there is a personal impact. BTW - She would be "assertive" if she spoke to you first. Filing a complaint is passive aggressive.

So sorry for the upset. I had a horrible work upset myself yesterday but have cooled down and am keeping my eye on what I want (to minimize the impact of what I don't want but is outside my control).

Hugs.

She sounds like a horrible kind of human. I'd suggest laying low and only communicating to her about things directly related to your actual work together.

Wow you sound very much like me! I am sorry you had a hard day yesterday. I think you are right. We should keep focusing on what we want and not focus on what is outside of our control. I am in control of not speaking to her, not her interpretation of me. I just wrote my boss an argument for teleworking from home because our city has 15 cases of coronavirus and I have autoimmune disease. I made it factual and cited sources and even provided graphs and charts about the exponential growth it is having nationwide and locally. I was trying to provide my logical input before it is deliberated between the managers whether or not our office can telework. I just hope it isn't considered wrong to do so or was too lengthy. It was a few paragraphs long. :/ I never know what is right until it is too late, but I'd rather be heard than not be heard.

I have to disagree about your co-worker being a "b***h," although it was nasty of her to assume that you wanted special treatment at work.

Your story makes it seem like she told you that you didn't have to give her details about your medical issues, and you kept giving them. I can understand how that would irritate someone; some people don't like to be dragged into other people's personal life. Maybe she thought the boss should handle this because you hadn't listened to her, or maybe she just didn't have the energy or tact to deal with it herself. Maybe she thought you wanted special treatment because you kept talking about telling the executives about your medical issues even though she told you that you didn't have to do that.

Personally, it is a difficult situation, because she has taken a dissliking to you. About racism. Racism can go both ways.
Personally I would try to move to a different department or find a different job as... Well, I have learnt through my own past experiences that life is too short to be miserable. I have left a few jobs in the past due to conflicts like this, as to me I do not really value pay, but I value being made to feel valued, why it is soo sad I had to leave the last job due to burnout, as the staff there were all good people.

The thing is: the other woman gave the OP details about HER medical condition. The OP could, actually, have ratted that woman the way that woman ratted the OP out.

I'm sorry you had a bad work situation, Sharon.

Yep, I've gotten that one too. I have been told (within the past year) "you either write too much or too little". It was a bit unfair because generally my work emails are concise and exactly the correct length, but when I am navigating a social situation (declining a task, making a request) --- that's when the "too much" or "too little" happens. I have bad mgmt right now, so rather than be helpful they like to "simply" point out all my differences. Arses.

Just like a diagnosis is useless unless it gets you access to resources, telling others is useless unless it does the same. HR might need to know, but co-workers are in a different category.