Am I Different Somehow?

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When I was working I was sometimes asked what pub to I go to? I would tell them I don't. Then I would be asked "What do I do to socialize?" The term puzzled me to be honest as in my area of the world I assumed that socializing was going to the pub because people would say "I am going to the pub to socialize". I didn't know what it meant, but I associated it with pubs.
Anyway, they would then ask "What do you do in the evenings after work?" I would say I go home.
This used to puzzle me because what else does one do after one has finished work? One goes back home to relax and unwind from the stresses of the day.

Am I missing something here? I understand people needing some evenings entertainment now and then just to break the monotony of life and to look forward to something, but how do they do it? I mean... Keep active for so many hours seemingly every day of the week? Don't they get worn out? Do they sleep in the pubs too?
What does go on in pubs? I mean.... Well. How do they relax and have some "Me" time?
I need lots of relaxing these days and it can be difficult to get this at the moment because I have an enthusiastic young nephew who is really kind and nice, but his energy and enthusiasm, and he loves attention as he is used to a large family back home means that keeping up with him (Even though I am essentially lazy these days!) is not easy. Haha. But sometimes I really need the "Me" time.
But here is a question. If people head off to the pubs and join in the crowds after a days work, when do they get time to relax and unwind? I can't even manage half a days work at the moment without it needing me several days to recover. But how do other people of my age do it? Where do they get their energy from? It makes me feel that I am different somehow?

Don't get me wrong. Is not that I have not been energetic when I need to be. Is just that I find it puzzling.

I get interrogated by some people because I don't drink alcohol. They act like there's something wrong with you just because you're not interested in getting hammered.

An example of a conversation I once had with a female colleague:-

Her: How do you manage to live without ever drinking any alcohol?
Me: Well, I just find that getting drunk is not really the best way to deal with life
Her: Don't you ever get drunk, ever?
Me: No
Her: Do you ever drink any alcohol at all?
Me: Only maybe at Christmas
Her: Do you get drunk at Christmas then?
Me: No, I just have a little bit with my Christmas dinner
Her: How do you manage to resist?
Me: I just do
(She walks away scratching her head confused)

The essential difference between introverts and extroverts is that introverts "recharge" by being on their own, while extroverts need the company of others to do it. Being by themselves after a stressful day at work would leave them exhausted.

Yeah, I know

You, sir, are an introvert.

For extroverts, going out to the pub with their friends is their time to relax, recharge, and unwind after a long day at work. Whereas we introverts spend energy to socialize and need "me time" to recover that energy, extroverts actually gain energy from social interaction. I can't really explain it better than that, I don't have a close relationship with any extroverts or anything (most of my in-person social interaction is with my immediate family), so I don't really know exactly how it works. But that is the key difference between extroverts and introverts, what sorts of activities people do to regain energy.

Yes, according to my opinions, you are somewhat unusual.

I used to work in a department with about 10 guys. Sometimes they would ask me if I'd like to go to the pub with them after work (we finished work at around 2:30pm after starting at 6am). About once a month I would go with them. I would have only one cider as I had to drive myself home. The guys would all drink beer.

I often found the whole thing awkward as I couldn't talk about my particular interest (they weren't interested in Star Trek) and they would always egg me on to drink more and play pool, I'm hopeless at that. So I would leave before they did.

I'm so glad I don't have to do that anymore. It took it out of me and I felt as if I had to pretend to enjoy myself when really I didn't.

I fully understand that pretending to enjoy oneself. I often need to do it when invited to gatherings. Is not that I don't like the people. Is just that to be amongst lots of people... Uhmm. Well. If we all went for a walk down to the beach then I would feel great as long as I was not crowded in. (I have a nephew staying with us who crowds me in all by himself, so it is hard to relax. What I mean by crowding me in... If I go for a walk I need space between me and the people walking with me so I can change direction. My nephew is used to walking right by people, so the side he is on limits me from the space I need, so I start walking in the other direction to give myself space, and he follows me and I end up walking in the wrong direction or I get crammed in if there is a wall or hedge the other side of me. I need the sort of space as if you could fit another person by the side of me inbetween the person I am walking with. My nephew feels dissconnected if he does that, as my brother (His Dad) has lots of children and they are used to full on attention and sitting, or walking next to each other.
If I sit down, I need at least a chair space between me and the other person.

But, if it is someone that I am very close to, like a GF or my Mum, I don't need the space. It is hard to explain. The best way of explaining is to think of a pet dog and a pet cat.
The dog wants attention. It is listening to its masters voice. Call and it is there!
Now think of a cat. A cat is like... "Please leave a message and I'll get back to you later..."
Yet both are very effectionate, and both love to sit on your lap! Haha! But a cat I find easier. I can stroke a cat and it independently purrs on its own if it is happy. It only eeds a few strokes now and then. Just being there is enough.
A dog? You stop stroking it and you get a nose in your face to say "What's wrong? Why have you stopped?" Attention, attention...
But if I am very close to the pet dog and the doggie has learnt my ways as we have been together for a long time, then the dog knows to be nearby and have attention when I am ready to give it, and then just have a nice lie down near me but not on top of me when I need my "Me" time. Somehow, a cat does not "Hem me in" if it sits on me.
Don't get me wrong. I love both cats and doggies, but I find cats easier!

I don't understand why people go to a noisy pub to relax

Neither do I. Unless one happens to be a pub landlord with bills that need to be paid! They can relax if their pub is busy and they are making some money where owing money without much of an income is stressful... But that is a different scinario.

I never forget one evening where I worked a train to the big city. There was a nightclub I passed (It may have been a pub ad they served alcohol) and it had clear glass windows on two floors facing the street. The place was obviously jam packed with people like sardines in a sardine tin can. I was really puzzled as there was a queue of about 20 to 30 people outside waiting to go in! Why?

Uh, yes, we are different from NTs. I met my NT husband in a bar: really, my sister dragged me there, I danced by myself and drank water, but apparently the man liked (still likes) different. During my ASD assessment I was asked what I did with my kids and I answered: "I go to lots of library events... (long pause) and museums, with a library free pass... (long pause) a festival on occasion..." The long pauses were knowing it sounded lame to an NT and that I was unable to convey the amazing experiences: science, music, art, culture. Of course I forgot to mention playgrounds, bike riding and playdates (a few)... ooph. So, yeah, I get that.

Clubs I don't understand, but if you're the sort of person who frequents them, I suppose you'd understand the urge to queue up.

For some of us, a certain amount of alcohol raises one's Oxytocin level and makes one more sociable. As a student, I often attended parties at which alcohol flowed freely, and enjoyed them. What came as a challenge for me was, after getting married, I found myself at gatherings at which having more than one alcoholic beverage (at that) might invite disapproval, and came to understand that the reason for wanting to be there was the opportunity to chit-chat with the other people — which is something I can scarcely do. From then on, parties/social gatherings became a duty rather than an opportunity for enjoyment.

To those of us who don't have severe sensitivity to sound (not everybody on the spectrum does) a pub is not necessarily "noisy" by which I mean that you can hear what another person sitting near you is saying. When I traveled in Europe, I especially enjoyed the pubs because it allowed me to casually socialize with locals. Most countries on the Continent did not seem to have the same sort of drinking culture. I spent a semester in France and eventually learned where I could go, but it didn't seem as commonplace as in the British Isles and of course the people one met were probably less representative of the population as a whole i.e. they were the sort of people who went to bars (not too dissimilar to the prevailing attitude in the US). I think sometimes people only spoke with me because it was the first time in their lives they had met an American who spoke French. But the French I met in those places usually seemed to have some sort of ax to grind. In particular I recall this one fellow who for some reason had lived in Sicily for a time and was obsessed about the Mafia. He seemed to like to go on about how, in Sicily, if you let the wrong person buy you a coffee, you would be beholden to the Mafia for life.

Regarding clubs, my familiarity with them is mostly due to some younger people in Europe I follow on Instagram. Like our friends in Spain, when their kids got old enough they basically all seemed to spend their leisure time clubbing. There's this one thirty-ish Jewish lady in Paris I follow (long story how I know her) and basically what I see is, she and her many friends all go to clubs and it seems to be about how they dress and coif themselves — they are definitely there to see and be seen, plus they seem to get off on the dancing, which is accompanied by a certain amount of alcohol although I don't think actually getting drunk is part of it. Clubbing as it's known in Europe doesn't really seem to be a thing in the US, so for me it's at least as much of a cultural as a neurodiversity issue.

Yes; though I did a lot of clubbing (we called it that here, too) as a teen/college student here in the US, I stopped years ago. [FTR, I'm NT, 52, roughly half introvert and half extrovert. Married, no kids.] Reading through the comments here, I've noticed that at least some folks are living in the UK or Australia, and a number of you are male--or describing guys. That's a sub-culture/demographic that's more likely to be out and about in bars--at least, if you're an extrovert or want to be accepted by the group. Generally, as people get older, they tend to "settle down;" significant others, families, etc. After work, you've got more errands to run, meals to cook (or eat), kids to pick up or drop off, etc. Less time, perhaps less energy, and usually less interest in hanging out drinking--it's all "been there, done that."

Don't get me wrong: there are most certainly exceptions! However, the people (women) I know who go out together after work are more likely to go to the gym at this point--partially because they are dying to get some "me" time before they have to pick up their kids from day care--and it's their best shot at it, because once they get home, it's all about taking care of everyone else. In those cases, though, it's usually just two besties--not a crowd.

Personally, I'd be concerned about a guy past a certain age who spends the majority of his time out drinking...doesn't he have something better to do?

I tried the pub thing for sometime. Not that anybody invited me. I just envisioned it to maybe leading to anything positive - without any solid preconception. Ended up being called a creep, a weirdo, a looser for being there alone. A couple of times I was the target of intimidation tactics from overly drunk people. So I just decided that I can be a highly functional alcoholic by myself in the confines of my own home.

As for social interaction, nowadays I just turn on netflix and let it talk in my general direction. And that seems to be all I deserve and can hope for.

I think with all of the extra 'stuff' autism includes (sensory issues, executive functioning, trying to understand what people mean and 'read' them) can tire you out more than neurotypical people- especially extroverted ones. I think it helps to plan out your time/socialising- e.g. if you really wanted to go to the pub one night, look at your week and plan it accordingly. I found that helps for me- I've tried to do things all the time and for me, it's just not possible- I end up crashing out (either becoming really overloaded or sleeping a lot to cope). Me time is important, it's good you do that.

It makes sense in a way. Even if I am not on the spectrum, anxiety drains so one needs the "Me" time to cope.

I got that a lot too until people just stopped inviting me places. More than one person has wrongfully assumed that I am part of one of those 'far out' religions that prohibits alcohol. Why can't I just feel like the cost is not worth the benefit and nothing more?


To me it tastes like awful medicine, it is ridiculously expensive, being drunk is not a great feeling and the hangover the next day flat out sucks. In top of all that it also prevents me from driving for the rest of the evening: my boss has 2 DUI's and it has cost him probably over $10,000 in total.