Shutdowns Mean Different Things To Different People.

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Recently I read a thread on a link from another site to another site and it described something they called a shutdown to what I describe as burnout. My experience of a burnout is that it can take anything from six months to a few years to recover from depending how hard hitting it is.
Shutdowns and partial shutdowns may have you needing to have a "Chill and relax" time for the rest of the day but usually, the next day I start again fresh (Unless I am in a burnout).
If I have had a partial shutdown or a few of them and I can't get to lie down and chill, I could get a full shutdown where I will have no control BUT to end up on a floor in a paralized state and a deep form I will have lost my sight and have loud tinitus (And be in a panic) and also if I can hear I can't make sense of anything much, so even if I could hear (Which due to the experience I will hardly be able to think to notice), it is of not much use anyway!
Thankfully, though the whole shutdown experience may last anything from about 20 minutes to an hour or longer (Rarely more then an hour if I have removed myself from whatever triggered the shutdown... If I have not I can get shutdown after shutdown), the actual total shutdown where I have lost my sight (All goes black) and hearing etc does not last that long. I am not sure how long as measuring time while in the experience of a shutdown is not possible, but this bit does not seem to last that long. It is the recovery stage before I can get up and walk again and function again which takes the most time).
So anyway... Obviously partial shutdowns are more minor but they are still an issue. Trying to "Work through" a partial shutdown feels like wearing an iron suit of armour! Every move I make takes effort! (And to make things worse I need to relax and make attempts to prevent a full shutdown, so I can be in a snappy mood if I can't withdraw as I feel trapped in a situation which can cause a full shutdown.

One thing I have noticed though, are through reading different peoples experiences, that meltdowns and shutdowns often share the same triggers. Obviously the triggers will vary from person to person, but in general, tney do seem to share this in common. (I maybe wrong or over simplifying so feel free to correct me in this).

But I write this because for some, their shutdowns are quite different. They experience the need to withdraw and chill (Which I do too) but this act of needing to withdraw they call a shutdown, while to me this is the lead up to a shutdown if that makes sense?

The problem lies is that there are many different ways that the body can start to shutdown in a partial shutdown form. For me, (And the experience is very hard to describe), probably apart from a "Feeling" which I don't always get, one of the first things that happen is I can loose my balance ad sometimes loose my ability to hold things or hold onto things. I start to walk like I am drunk, unable to keep to a straight line.

Anyway. I just thought I would write just to say how varied peoples experiences and concepts of those experiences actually are!

Most of the time my shutdowns are involuntary, meaning that my senses stop working and I blank out the world as a mode of self-protection. It happens when I'm overwhelmed emotionally or by my senses. I might lose focus or abilities in a number of different ways but the end result is essentially the same: I can't continue with what's happening and I feel detached mentally, physically or with my senses. In this regard I shut myself down as a "lead up" to a period of recovery. In recovery I have to do nothing -- no lights, no sound, nothing, sometimes for a few weeks but usually for a few hours or a day. The period of time when I'm recovering is kind of like a shutdown but it's more purposeful. I'm doing it on purpose so I won't collapse. The lead up part is involuntary.

Burnout is definitely different. My recent one has been six years without respite.

I would say my shutdown experiences are involuntary though I can delay a full shutdown for a short period of time so I can go to withdraw somewhere quiet to lie down. (Can usually prevent a complete shutdown by doing this if I catch them in time).
Yes, the prolonged recovery is voluntary, but only to the extent that if I didn't I would risk slipping into another.

I get dizziness and limbs feeling like their moving through something halfway between the consistency of water and air: also my thoughts slow down and lose focus.
At that point I either sit in silence, or am prevented from doing so: if the latter I can either explode with anger or burst into tears... no idea why that varies.
Then I’m trembly and spaced out for a day or two, gradually lessening.
I did push myself through it in my teens and twenties, without realising my mental & physical states were deteriorating, I haven’t done so for eight years now.

I think the definitions of those words do vary quite a bit between different people - but my definitions would be very close to yours, MG.

I may sometimes have some idea that a shut-down is likely, because of anxiety or my senses being very overwhelmed, and that's usually a good time to withdraw - but I wouldn't say it is a shut-down until I have lost one or more mental abilities. The onset is always involuntary, and I can never predict exactly when the shut-down will start or which mental abilities I might lose. Sometimes the onset is very abrupt if there has been a sudden demand for action - other times, my senses just slowly get more and more woolly until I realise I've drifted off. I will always feel very dissociated, and I often find that it's quite hard for me to even understand which abilities I have lost - I may be perplexed by struggling to get out of the situation or struggling to get help because I simply can't tell what's wrong (for example, getting frustrated that people don't understand me because I have no idea that I'm speaking gibberish).

Very often, it's my language skills that start to go first, and sometimes I can pick up on this quite early and nip it in the bud - for example, I might notice that I'm really struggling to find really common everyday words. My sense of space and direction is usually the next thing - even the most familiar of places will be completely unrecognisable, and may even seem to be constantly changing so that I can never get my bearings. Everyday objects often become unfamiliar too; for example, I may have no idea what the things in my pockets are supposed to be for, or be unable to tell a door from the wall around it. (Disclaimer: most of this is pieced together from very hazy memories and other people's observations, so I can't promise that it is totally accurate).

Melt-downs and shut-downs definitely have the same causes for me, and my melt-downs are nearly always preceded by partial shut-downs of one kind or another. In fact, during my twenties, I learned that I can often force (or allow?) myself to have a total shut-down instead of a melt-down at this point - or maybe, like Karamazov suggests, trying to fight fully shutting down is what causes the melt-downs; it's hard to say which. When I melt-down, I have a very strong urge to run away, and this has put me in a lot of danger many times - I can come to my senses many miles away from where I started, with no idea how I got there, and sometimes in the middle of the countryside without the proper clothes or with nothing on my feet. If I concentrate really, really hard on fighting the urge to run away, I will shut-down instead of melt-down - still not great, but usually a lot safer, and usually meaning that help is closer to hand.

Burn-out is definitely a longer term thing - shut-downs are more likely when I'm burned out, and partial shut-downs can be quite long lasting, but the sense of dissociation and lack of energy is much more pervasive and seems to always be present even if my mental skills are mostly intact. It's less that the mental skills are shut-down, and more that I don't have the executive functioning to be able to co-ordinate them, and using them is exceptionally exhausting.

Shut down, burnout, panic attack, meltdown, outburst....I can't always decide which word to use either.

I'm not sure I experience autism shut downs or burnouts. When I'm overwhelmed with stress and anxiety (which has been happening a lot lately of course), I cry and have trouble breathing, but I can still communicate verbally. I don't think I've never had a moment where I suddenly can't speak due to overwhelming emotions or whatever.

But some NTs use ''meltdown'' as a word to describe ''crying''. But most Aspies use the word ''meltdown'' as something only people on the spectrum experience.

not having anything to compare my experience , using regular words , might phrase it as my nervous
system goes on the Fritz. as shutdowns go in recent experience. Not prone to blackout for a very very long time. But thinking goes out the window. And do not think am able to shake that off in a brief manner . Live my life very near what might be on the verge of a meltdown.. but am able to escape
Concious recognition of these situations by Abject focus on other issues . But if exposure to burnout ,
is not able to be achieved . Thought process just goes away. . And this fight or flight mechanism becomes apparently disregulated . am not in a position to address this well. This is very tough to give adequate discription to this process .
but have distinct memories of persons taking extreme advantage of me during such times in early youth . And even beyond . so am guessing flight has been a go to if can achieve that before, a complete loss of processing occurs .

My black, red and yellow stripes are starting to show again. I'm starting to wear Schultz again. My mum doesn't want me to come over to visit right now. She says it's because we both have diabetes. I decided to test her love for me. I asked her if she wanted my company over the Easter weekend, she snapped, "You should know better than that by now!" More of a reason for me to roll around in my black, red and yellow glory. Don't be surprised if Schultz becomes my avatar again. No Olympics, no opportunities to look for work, no sense in wearing fashionable clothes because they won't be noticed. At least I'll save money. I bet that my mum and sister will be together on Easter Sunday having fun with my niece. I hope this mood passes. I've made great strides this year.

That mood has passed. I'm back in Mod form again. You will see The Kinks here for eternity. I guess I really had a shutdown earlier on.

Wrote three hours worth of a reply to find the "I am not a robot" not accepting it.

I would say that what you describe is either an overload of anxiety or stress or it is a meltdown.
Burnouts... These take a long long time to fully recover from in my experience. Months as a minimum. More like years to be totally back to as one was before having them. A meltdown recovery is... Well. Maybe others can share more about them.
I believe I do/have experience them but for me they are rare. If I get two a year it is a busy year for them!
The best way to describe my experiences are that they tend to come in the evening where I would normally be winding down after a stressful day, but during these times I accumilate internal pressure with a type of claustrophobic feeling, and the pressure would grow to the point where I would expect my head to explode, and then it would just stop, and I would feel at peace, and fall asleep (I know it sounds strange after experiencing such an event).

Last edited by Mountain Goat on 09 Apr 2020, 12:07 am, edited 1 time in total.

I just 100% quarantined in the house for two whole weeks so I could see my son & family. Not even a walk outside. And my son still won't let me in his house! I get to talk through the screen door and my grandson doesn't understand and keeps putting his boots on. My son said I might be safe but they've been out and might infect me - I hit 3 of the high risk groups - bp, kidney, heart. Said some story of a guy who killed 5 members of his family by infecting them, and the guilt. It's not fair to say it's a love test, although that went through my head as well once or twice.

Hope we all survive this with least amount of heartache

Shutdown/meltdowns I never called them anything or understood them at all. I've thought of all the worse case scenarios possible so things seldom surprise me. When they do they've happened at home and I simply say I need to go lie down and wake up and am perfectly fine. When I've had the last straw and feel trapped by an argument it is totally out of character but I blow up with a verbal non-stop assault of my own. I blurt out everything in a few short violent minutes, cursing and all. Whoever is at the receiving end has always stopped whatever they were doing that I didn't like. Then I apologize, not really understanding why I did it. And then I have these 20-hr sleep comas on occasion too. I literally sleep almost nonstop and not a job, my kids, nothing is going to wake me for more than a few minutes. And then I'm fine but thirsty and hungry. Weird. Lately I've been mulling it over to contact my ex husband and ask him what I was like. I am so out of touch with my emotions - I think that's what causes these episodes. Someone on WP said he was similar and it was because things built up inside and didn't know how to cope because he didn't recognize the early signs.

Just looked at a video - they said a shutdown is internalized, and a meltdown presents outwardly.

Yes. That's true.

Think of a meltdown as not being able to cope or are overwealmed and it is like a volcano... The pressure builds up and up and things are going to explode. (I am over simplifying here as there is a bit more to it then this.) During this time one may have a rage... A rage could come out in different ways. Verbal or physical or maybe the individual would just get up and run!
I never forget seeing on youtube this thin weak looking young lady who said during the rage like meltdown she ran and picked up a motorcycle and threw it. She was only a child at the time!
I rarely get them (If I am right in identifying what I get as meltdowns) and I once cycled about three miles including a two mile hillclimb to get back home (Includes a 1 in 4 gradient (25%) and lots of corners) in not that far off the time that most drivers would have done it in their cars. I doubt that any steroid induced professional cyclist could do that (In the past I sometimes used to ride with them so I know what they are capable of).

But anyway. Now we come to shutdowns. These are simply that ones brain can't come and usually without to much warning (When the first signs take place one knows roughly what will take place as the shutdown continues), and it is involuntary in that when the brain reachers either a certain trigger or certain stress point, the brain says "That's it. That's all I can take. I'm shutting down!" The individual may not have even noticed or expected the event to cause a shutdown at times. For example, I started shutting down a couple of days ago where all I did was to pick up a spanner and touch it on a top suspension nut I could not see that well (Due to the location on the car) to see if is the right size. It was an attempt just to see if I could do the job at home or if I needed a garage. (I am an experienced bicycle mechanic who can no longer work, as I find that these days something mental happens and my brain says "No". Yet in the past I was ace at my job. Cars maybe a little different, but I should be able to deal with the simpler jobs... So this is dissapointing).
It is ones own mind that decides when it can't cope and starts to shut down, not ones own mental thinking that may find something one does not want to deal with, hence why I say that the shutdown process is involuntary.
Depending on the circumstance, I can delay or or even prevent a full shutdown (If I can remove myself to a stress free enviroment), but a partial shutdown can come on without warning. Obviously if I have a lot of anxiety or stress, I will expect to likely get a partial shutdown, but what annoys me a bit is that at times I can be hitting a shutdown moment when I am calm but have hit a trigger (Example the spanner moment above where in the past I believe I hit a breakdown of some sort when in a past bicycle mechanical job and my mind must associate spanner with that, and decide enough is enough and start to shut down... Each job I took since then I was working through strings of partial shutdowns and fighting off shutdowns which each time I ended up in burnout. (I am not sure 100% but burnout for me could be some sort of mental breakdown? which takes a long time to recover from, and I am not sure if I do recover quite to the point I was before, so as I have had a fair few of these events, it is concerning. I realized that if I hit another I may end up physically dissabled so I am taking things seriously and for now not even thinking about trying to work until I know that I am 110% recovered or greater. I don't want to say to myself "You will never work again" as that will push me into depression and it feels like I have nothing to fall back on... So even if I am kidding myself a little (Hopefully not) I want to say to myself that I will recover. I am very slowly easing my way back to doing simple bicycle mechanical jobs on my own bicycles without any pressure. Just relaxing enjoying them... Spending more time in a daydream of where I can ride (Not been able to ride until I am on the better side of the recovery stage after a burnout). So if I relax and occasionally do a little improvement work or maintenence on one of my bicycles in a very casual way, then I hope to ease my way into at least, coping with repairing my own bikes even if I may need a future career change).
But you get the idea. A shutdown can start with a sudden change of plan, or a sensory trigger, or just an unexpected dose of stress and my experience is that while I may not be able to avoid the start process of such an event (What I call a partial shutdown), if I catch it in time and remove myself into a suitable stress free enviroment and just lie down and recover from the beginnings of it, I can avoid going any deeper into a full blown shutdown which is not a nice experience. Partial shutdowns... I can cope with them. Used to them. Part of daily life. (Some days I may avoid them and I think my record is two or three weeks or more! Sadly other days I could hit many in a day and have even (Which led to my last burnout) had continual strings of partial shutdowns and was continually doing all I can to prevent them turning into shutdowns... (Happened the last few times that I was in work so I was trying to work but also nurse myself at the same time which included lots of lying on the floor or slouching on a chair, stimming like mad, force feeding my brain cola and chocolate hoping that work collegues wouldn't notice! Doing anything that I thought might work or seemed to work in the past!! !)

Shutdowns are definitely involuntary like you say. If I was a robot I could sum it up as "It does not compute, it does not compute", with a little smoke coming out of my ears.