Ever noticed that people don't really answer your questions?

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starkid
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24 Apr 2020, 8:05 pm

Do you find that when you ask people questions that require more than a yes/no answer, they might say something related to your question but don't actually answer exactly what you asked? Sometimes even when you ask them multiple times in a row?



old_comedywriter
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24 Apr 2020, 8:37 pm

Yes, the weather is nice today.


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justkillingtime
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24 Apr 2020, 9:13 pm

Yes, in my case they seem to misunderstand what I am trying to ask.


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25 Apr 2020, 6:44 am

All the time! Of course, since my social skills aren't really the best there are, it's a fact that sometimes people just don't understand the question because I wasn't clear enough. But that can't be the case all the time, so I suppose it's just socially unacceptable to answer certain questions or something.



starkid
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25 Apr 2020, 8:29 am

I suspect that people sometimes subconsciously decide that you don't really mean to ask whatever you have actually asked. Maybe they misunderstand because they try to read into it when there's nothing to read into.



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25 Apr 2020, 9:44 am

Yes, and it's something that often annoys me. It's frustrating that they so rarely seem to get that when I ask them a question, I'm asking for a direct answer to that question. I don't usually want the answer to another question I never asked. I don't want them to start talking about something that seems irrelevent to my question, expecting me to trust that at some point they'll come somewhere close enough to answering me that I'll be able to make the leap between what I wanted of them and what they've given me. Because a lot of the time they never reach that point.

As for why they do it, I guess NTs find it easier to extract the meaning they require from the context and to generally make sense of nebulous, poorly-focussed talking. They don't expect a questioner to want a literal answer to the same degree that I want a literal answer. NTs are probably more comfortable with letting things go. And there's a lot of dishonesty at the heart of question-dodging, and I tend to be rather pedantic about honesty. Tact also may come into it - sometimes a literal answer might rock the boat or come over as offensive, and changing the subject a little can smooth things over quite nicely.

I think honesty tends to give away power to others, so in a competitive environment answering questions directly can earn you a low place in the food chain. I noticed at work that it was sometimes possible to get out of a sticky conversation with a boss by ducking questions and thus changing the subject slightly. I didn't do that much, because it doesn't naturally occur to me to, and when I do I tend to feel guilty and accuse myself of being sneaky, though I think it's frequently justified with bosses, as they're notorious for pushing people around and ripping them off, so you have to fight back with something occasionally.

Note that in some walks of life there's an expectation of direct, literal answers to questions - court cases, exams and other objective tests, science, and (I guess) most communication in which the plan is to arrive at the truth.



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25 Apr 2020, 11:11 am

If you really want to get good answers you need to provide sufficient time for people to formulate answers. I'd have running conversations with people at lunchtime while waiting for the microwave. Ask a question and get a good answer another day.



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25 Apr 2020, 11:29 am

Yes!! ! Thats like the constant issue. What happens is that they misunderstand my question and answer the question that I weren't asking, so I then I repeat the question, but then they repeat their previous answer and I am like no thats not what I asked. But no matter how many times I repeat my question, they kept interpretting it in the same exact way they interpretted it the first time, even though thats not what I meant.

One thing I noticed is that there are questions people "Usually" ask but my questions aren't very usual -- so they will replace my question with the "Usual" question that they have. Here is an example. So I have a question: about a month ago I was asking a girl -- who is Republican and anti-vaccine -- the following question: why is it that Democrats are pro-vaccine and Republicans are anti-vaccine, why does opinion on vaccine correlates on opinion on political issues. Then she would answer that question by citing her reasons why she is anti-vaccine (and her reasons weren't political at all -- they were all about medical stuff). So I told her "I agree with your reasons -- I am anti-vaccine too -- but you didn't answer my question: you didn't tell me about the connection between the things you said and political beliefs". But then she would just repeat her reasoning for being anti-vaccine. Same goes with talking to the Democrats. I might ask a Democrat "what is the connection between concern over global warming and believing in Democrat politics". And then the Democrat would tell me scientific facts about global warming. And I would say "hey I agree with the scientific facts that you cited, and I believe in global warming -- despite the fact that I am a Republican -- and thats why I have this question: why do other Republicans not believe in global warming -- more precisely what is the connection between belief in global warming and political views" but the Democrat won't hear me they would just repeat their reasons in belief in global warming, which doesn't address my question.

I think what it boils down to is that very few people ask the type of questions that I am asking and great many people ask the other kinds of questions so people just assume I ask what most people ask. But in actuality I don't ask what most people ask. If I want to know the answer to what most people ask, I can just use google. The reason I ask the questions I do is precisely the fact that others don't ask them so I feel weird that those things stare in your face yet nobody asks -- so I ask. But since nobody else asks them, thats why people can't see it that I do and instead assume I ask one of the "common" questions.



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25 Apr 2020, 12:25 pm

QFT wrote:
But no matter how many times I repeat my question, they kept interpretting it in the same exact way they interpretted it the first time, even though thats not what I meant.

that sounds like rigid behavior haha



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25 Apr 2020, 1:10 pm

starkid wrote:
Do you find that when you ask people questions that require more than a yes/no answer, they might say something related to your question but don't actually answer exactly what you asked? Sometimes even when you ask them multiple times in a row?


What questions are you asking? That’s why I Google everything.



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25 Apr 2020, 1:37 pm

hobojungle wrote:
What questions are you asking? That’s why I Google everything.

I ask people's opinions or ask them why they did something.



naturalplastic
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25 Apr 2020, 1:38 pm

QFT wrote:
Yes!! ! Thats like the constant issue. What happens is that they misunderstand my question and answer the question that I weren't asking, so I then I repeat the question, but then they repeat their previous answer and I am like no thats not what I asked. But no matter how many times I repeat my question, they kept interpretting it in the same exact way they interpretted it the first time, even though thats not what I meant.

One thing I noticed is that there are questions people "Usually" ask but my questions aren't very usual -- so they will replace my question with the "Usual" question that they have. Here is an example. So I have a question: about a month ago I was asking a girl -- who is Republican and anti-vaccine -- the following question: why is it that Democrats are pro-vaccine and Republicans are anti-vaccine, why does opinion on vaccine correlates on opinion on political issues. Then she would answer that question by citing her reasons why she is anti-vaccine (and her reasons weren't political at all -- they were all about medical stuff). So I told her "I agree with your reasons -- I am anti-vaccine too -- but you didn't answer my question: you didn't tell me about the connection between the things you said and political beliefs". But then she would just repeat her reasoning for being anti-vaccine. Same goes with talking to the Democrats. I might ask a Democrat "what is the connection between concern over global warming and believing in Democrat politics". And then the Democrat would tell me scientific facts about global warming. And I would say "hey I agree with the scientific facts that you cited, and I believe in global warming -- despite the fact that I am a Republican -- and thats why I have this question: why do other Republicans not believe in global warming -- more precisely what is the connection between belief in global warming and political views" but the Democrat won't hear me they would just repeat their reasons in belief in global warming, which doesn't address my question.

I think what it boils down to is that very few people ask the type of questions that I am asking and great many people ask the other kinds of questions so people just assume I ask what most people ask. But in actuality I don't ask what most people ask. If I want to know the answer to what most people ask, I can just use google. The reason I ask the questions I do is precisely the fact that others don't ask them so I feel weird that those things stare in your face yet nobody asks -- so I ask. But since nobody else asks them, thats why people can't see it that I do and instead assume I ask one of the "common" questions.


The fault is yours. First...you cant ask the same question the same way. Because obviously that yields the same answer. You hafta ask the same question a DIFFERENT way.

Second.. don't ask "why do folks of your political persuasion tend to … agree with you about this particular issue?" because then you have left the person with NO CHOICE but to just rehash why they themselves have that opinion. So they have no alternative but to give you the reasons they already gave you.

Instead ask the person "why do you think folks of the other party tend to have the opposite opinion from you on this particular issue?" Then you might get an actual different answer.

For example I am a Democrat, and am not a climate change denier.

So if you asked me "why are you concerned about man made climate change?", and then if you asked me "why are most liberal dems concerned about it?" I would probably give much the same answer to both questions: scientific fact A, and historic fact B, and this about tree rings, and that about that...etc.



But if you were to ask me "why do you suppose that GOPers tend to be climate deniers?" I would give you a different answer. I would say "conservatives believe that the govt shouldn't do stuff. So if a GOP conservative were to admit to the reality that humans are causing climate change it would be an admission that the govt. has to step in and do something about it. And that would be counter to conservative ideology." Which would be a different answer from the one above.

See what I mean?



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25 Apr 2020, 2:19 pm

starkid wrote:
Ever noticed that people don't really answer your questions?
Yes, and very often, too.

Ever noticed that when you DO answer the questions they ask, they often get mad at you for answering the literal meaning of their questions, instead of the meaning they intended their questions to convey?

Her: "Don't you think it's cold in here?"

Him: "No, I do not think it is cold at all."

Her: "Dammit!  Would you please close the effing window?!"

Him: "Okay ... there.  You could have asked me to close the window first."

Her: "I did, you effing moron!  Don't you understand plain English?!"


:roll:


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25 Apr 2020, 2:22 pm

starkid wrote:
Do you find that when you ask people questions that require more than a yes/no answer, they might say something related to your question but don't actually answer exactly what you asked?  Sometimes even when you ask them multiple times in a row?
Yes to both of these, but not so often as what I described in my previous post, although it is also very aggravating.


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Dear_one
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25 Apr 2020, 3:34 pm

starkid wrote:
Do you find that when you ask people questions that require more than a yes/no answer, they might say something related to your question but don't actually answer exactly what you asked? Sometimes even when you ask them multiple times in a row?


I have had a real epidemic of people only answering the first question on an email. I once had to resume secretary duties when my replacement would answer customer queries that she didn't even understand.
Sometimes, people don't know the answer, but don't want to say so. Sometimes, they are trying to hide information. Sometimes, they don't understand the question. Sometimes, they don't have time to think about it. And, none of them are obligated to try.



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25 Apr 2020, 5:19 pm

naturalplastic wrote:
The fault is yours. First...you cant ask the same question the same way. Because obviously that yields the same answer. You hafta ask the same question a DIFFERENT way.


Where exactly do you draw the line between the same way and different way? I am asking in the same way in a sense that I am trying to get across the same question. But I am asking it in a different way in a sense that I word it differently. Sometimes I even give examples to illustrate how my question is different but they still aren't getting it.

naturalplastic wrote:
Second.. don't ask "why do folks of your political persuasion tend to … agree with you about this particular issue?" because then you have left the person with NO CHOICE but to just rehash why they themselves have that opinion. So they have no alternative but to give you the reasons they already gave you.

Instead ask the person "why do you think folks of the other party tend to have the opposite opinion from you on this particular issue?" Then you might get an actual different answer.


I ask it in both ways. When I ask in the second way, I am being told "well they are brainwashed". But then I ask "well, I thought they were brainwashed in that other way, so what does this have to do with being brainwashed in this way". And then I don't get the logical answer.

naturalplastic wrote:
But if you were to ask me "why do you suppose that GOPers tend to be climate deniers?" I would give you a different answer. I would say "conservatives believe that the govt shouldn't do stuff. So if a GOP conservative were to admit to the reality that humans are causing climate change it would be an admission that the govt. has to step in and do something about it. And that would be counter to conservative ideology." Which would be a different answer from the one above.


Thats actually a lot more productive answer than what I been getting. Thanks for understanding my question.

But here is a follow-up question. From what I understand, the small government is "not" a Republican agenda; rather it is a Libertarian agenda. Now, if you compare Democrats to Republicans, then Democrats want big government when it comes to taxes, welfare, climate and guns, while they want small government when it comes to moral issues like homosexuality and abortion; on the other hand Republicans want big government when it comes to homosexuality and abortion, and small government when it comes to taxes and guns.

Thats why I have that bigger quetion as to why those issues were separated in those two particular groups rather than some other groups? That is, why is taxes, welfare, climate and guns go together, if they logically aren't related to each other? If the debate was statist vs libertarian then I wouldn't have that question: statist wants to control everything while libertarian doesn't. But here its not exactly statist vs libertarian since Republicans are more willing to control moral issues. Hence the question about the commonality between the issues that Democrats want to control.