Younger children and play skills

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Hello. I am wondering how any of you deal with or have dealt with NT kids playing with "your ASD" kid, and the Nt kid being mean to them..

for example I have a 4 year old (Nicco HFA) and his play skills are at 24-30 month level ( at the most)... when we have play dates we make sure that there is structured activities that do not require many play skills ( ex.. yard play, arts/crafts, snack time, etc..) and we make the play date about an hour... plus many of these kids are my friends kids and they have been friends with my son for awhile...
and it goes good...
but then if we are in a public place and NT kids try to interact with my son- it does not go well at all; ex.. at the pool when kids try to play catch with him with a beach ball, Nicco will not usually throw the ball back he will keep throwing it up in the air for himself to catch.. I will prompt him and then he will throw it back to the kid; after a couple of times, the NT kid will get tired of it and stop playing or be mean to my son- the other day the NT kid would then throw the ball at his head- and say mean things..
Nicco later said,no one like me..... he mean...

also, if kids have toys at the pool everyone is free to play with them, and he will sometimes play with a toy boat or a toy that belongs to someone else,... but if someone will try to play with one of his/ or his sisters toys (even though he is not playing with them) he will tell them it is his - and he will sit there waiting for them to stop reminding them it is his, then when they are done playing with it he will take it and put it in our beach bag.... to make sure no one else will play with it..

I try to correct him, make him understand, etc.....
I prompt him, praise him when he does good.... what else can I do..
sometimes, I get so mad at the NT kids for being mean to him I want to say something to the kid or the parents- but I don't..
we don't go to the pool long- maybe 2 hours most; 2-3 days a week.
And we live in a small town (but just moved him) I am not sure that I should tell the parents- they will probably not understand, one women that I did tell for a particular reason sid " is it something like ADHD??"
I said No.. and tried to explain, but she still just did not get it...
I just want him to not think (already) that kids do not like him...and he is getting bullied............. ( he is only 4 years old, give me a break.)
any suggestions comments would be great.. or experiences of how you felt when you were in similar situations.
Michele

The thing about not sharing his toys at the pool..I think it might be because he feels a strong attachment to these toys. In his mind they are HIS toys, they are a source of comfort and familiarity to him. I think he is merely being protective of cherished belongings. When he sees a strange kid playing with them (he possibly percieves the other kids as playing with the toys in the wrong way), he puts them in your beach bag, where they are safe.

Ball games..the bane of Asperger's boys everywhere... this is just a suggestion, but it might be a good idea to familiarise him with the rules to, (and the required skills for) some basic ball games before he's old enough to go to school. Maybe in the play group where it is a familiar and safe setting for him. At school these skills will be unconditionally assumed of him by the other boys, and it wil be much easier for him to learn them in a non-threatening and comfortable environment, than at school with a bunch of strange, new kids.

Sorry if my post seems a bit presumptive, i tend to project my own childhood on other kids when i read posts like this.

No worries, venom... we each speak best from our personal experiences in hopes someone else can relate and find the sharing useful. You know what you know, after all.

I know I kept my precious dino plushies close to me, and still do. I'm hesitant when relative strangers handle my stuff, because I'm afraid one wrong twist and they'll BREAK it. I don't want to come off all legalistic and make everyone sign contracts, but I've had enough bad experiences to be cautious.

One time I was playing kickball, like baseball but you kick the ball instead of batting it... and even with the rules repeated to me many times, I had this urge to use my jacket to stop people from sliding fast into a base. Wasn't out of malice; it was just my way of making the game "better". I didn't like that game, but I did like football, where it became sort of a "Run Torley Run!" a la Forrest gump -- a simple rule I just followed. And so, I ran.

Sometimes, having duplicate sets of toys can help curb worries so Nicco knows whatever happens, he has a set that is safe and secure. Sometimes, it doesn't.

It's hard because every time another kid is mean to Nicco, whether it's intentionally or because of miscommunication, it reinforces internal proof to him that other kids aren't good. He will grow increasingly afraid to give if other kids don't give back. At least, that's what happened to me... I am thankfully I made some awfully generous friends along the way! So a key thing, while hard, would be finding others like Nicco who know what he's on about or will be patient and generously laid-back enough *not* to get mean, even at such a young and precious age.

thanks for all of your responses.... they were all good advice.

one thing that I still do not understand though, is that these toys are never played with..... ( he hardly ever plays with his toys, so I do not understand why it bothers him..) on the other hand, when he does play with toys- he does so very ridgidly... does things a certain way
I do think that in the best way to explain him - is he does want social interaction; he just does not know how to do it...
I mean I can prompt him all I want and while in the play date setting it is ok and his friends deal with it; but in public- how long does a NT kid wait until Nicco talks back to them ( after I prompt him 3 times)- when he finally does then they are usually gone...........
it does make sense to practice at familiar places with familiar people- and we do, but I cant stop him when he tries in a public place with unfamiliar people- I just don't want him to think that kids dont like him- especially at his young age

the rule thing that someone suggested- great idea; I use this method for other things- rules to going to the store, the rules for taking a walk, etc.... and he does understand this .
I will try this- oh, also I do take his therapist with us to the pool and playdates- do you have any additional things that she can do to help- she stays by the sidelines and tries to let him interact as much as possible without her and then she will step in if needed.... any thoughts on this???
She is eith us 25 hours a week, she gets to our house after he is done with school.. mainly we work on social skills/behaviors.
thanks again-
michele

He currently goes to a special education pre school he is there 2 1/2 hours a day 5 days a week; in addition to this he goes to speech therapy for 1 1/2 hours a week, Ot 1 1/2 hours a week and then has 20 hours of therapy at home, 4 hours of behavior specialist ( in the home) and 2 hours of mobile therapy ( in the home)

wow, lots of work for a 4 year old.......
I plan on sending him to school for K- in special ed ( to start) that will be sept 2005....
I know that he will not be able to learn anything with 25 kids and 1 teacher ( even if he does have an aide.)

I think that Nicco really like having the therapist around- I think when he is unsure of his self- he knows that he can get the help from her...
she has been working with him since he was 2 1/2 and non verbal, and she has been part of the team from day one and has seen the great progress he has made; she is like a member of our family.
Michele

well, I am only thinking of the special ed. k to start; and go from there I think that for 1st grade I would try reg. classroom ( but unsure)
When he does his home program ( if anything is going on in the room, just one thing he can loss focus also, if he is perseverating on something forget it- and I know that with everything going on in the class he will not get it all, and he already is learning at a slow pace... he needs to be drilled to learn anything...
No, he does not do much on the computer; except one program where he does not have to worry on hitting the right button, his fine motor skills are delayed so I am thinking of getting him a touch creen to use for now.

sometimes, I do think that I push him so hard, but then I also remind myself that he would not be talking( period) if I did not push him; so in the long run I know I have to.
I just feel that he is trying to learn so much at the same time ( play skills, language skills, self help skills, and academic skills)
Michele