I don't feel autistic enough

Post Reply New Topic

I'm professionally diagnosed for reference. I never seriously sought a diagnosis myself but was approached by clinicians who had been working with me about potentially being autistic. I denied every trait of autism they bought up but my dad didn't and talking to others made me realise others saw those traits in me too.

I would still deny it if you told me because I never remember showing those traits myself. I do feel autistic on the inside with my logical mindset and way of thinking, or how I never thought you had to look away when making eye contact, because I probably took the phrase, "look someone in the eyes" too literally. Or how I never thought to make or respond to small talk when I was younger.

But I don't have sensory issues and meltdowns are a super rare occurrence for me. Although lately, I feel like I've been building up to one due to everything going on right now.

And I look at other autistics online and criticise myself for not being as good as them, or not struggling as much as them. I don't have the extreme focus and attention to detail that most autistics have. But I don't have the sensory issues or executive dysfunction either.

Does anyone relate to this or have any tips?

...autistic enough for what?

I have never had a meltdown. Did have tics, and what might be called "sensory issues" when I was a child, and as a teen. But not really any now. But I have no doubt that they diagnosed me correctly as having aspergers a couple of years ago.( Indeed I was apparently one of the last Americans to receive that diagnosis because they merged aspergers into autism and abolished it as an official diagnosis shortly after that. But I digress). My point is that you don't have to have all of the symptoms to qualify.

I didn't think I had sensory issues either.

But I put a silent clock in my office. That was nice.

Then I got high fidelity earplugs to wear at movie theaters. That was even better!

What you are saying reminds me of myself when I was a teenager. When I first learned about my diagnosis I went to Barns and Noble and read its descriptions (both the DSM 4 as well as other books) and my first reaction was that I didn't have a lot of those symptoms -- particularly, I don't have sensory symptoms and I didn't have the need for the routine. At the same time, when I counted the DSM 4 symptoms that I did have, it was enough to formally give me a diagnosis. So I felt like "okay, formally I have enough of them, but thats just a coincidence in numbers, I don't really feel like I have Asperger".

However, few years later, two things happened that changed my mind:

1) I read "Nobody Nowhere" by Donna Williams and -- while I don't have most of the symptoms she has -- what I noticed is that she didn't sound like a robot (which is how autistics sound from the book descriptions); quite the opposite in fact. Before I read the book I thought autistic people do certain behaviors because they are a type of robots that are hardwired to do them. But then, after I read the book, I realize that they do it because it is their way of dealing with emotional stuff that is quite relatable. And now that it blurred that line between autistic and non-autistic, this is what allow me to consider the possibility that I might have a milder version of it.

2) At the age of 21 when I became interested in socialization I saw that I was excluded no matter how much I wanted to socialize. Before the age of 21, I didn't have a chance to see it since I wasn't interested in socialization to begin with. So, before the age of 21, I thought I had good social skills, I only didn't have friends because I "chose not to". But then, after the age of 21, I realize that its not a choice but a very real barrier -- and I attribute that barrier to my Asperger.

3) I was talking to people with Asperger online and I saw that a lot of them sound quite normal. In fact, I sound a lot more autistic than they are. I wouldn't have known it if I didn't talk to them online. Because the books make it sound like all autistic people are robotic. So if I were to follow those books I was reading, I would say that nobody on Wrongplanet has Asperger. Since that assention is clearly not true, then Asperger wasn't what I thought it was. And if the majority of people on this site were to have Asperger, then I must have it too, since my social problems are more pronounced than theirs.

So one thing you might consider is that maybe you also miss some of the things due to reasons "1", "2" and "3", and if you take those into account you might realize you are more autistic than you thought.

I used to have the same problem when I was first diagnosed.
Also I had sensitivity issues when I was little i don't anymore.
And I am not sure if I ever had a meltdown.
But it also happened that I didn't really know myself enough, and it wasn't until I started having closer relationships and hearing my friends opinions about me that I started seeing a lot of other autistic traits in myself.
At the end of the day I am just higher functioning, but those surrounding me and I have no doubt that I got autism.

I often don't feel autistic enough either, but I definitely am because I did a lot of Aspie things when I was a teenager and I had no friends for a couple of years.

But as an adult I feel very atypical compared to most other WP members. I can't relate to the threads about the lockdown not affecting us socially, because I so badly want physical social interaction with people and I hate all the social distancing rules.

It's mainly when I find out about coping mechanisms/stims used by other autistics, and then start using them myself that I feel less autistic, because I wasn't using it before I found out so it feels like I'm faking. Maybe that's just the unmasking process though.

I can relate to this idea, since I am self-diagnosed. With a diagnosis and concurrence of people close to you, don't worry, you're ASD. The behavioral traits are harder to see in some types and in the female presentation. It took me a long time to understand my behavioral traits. I've seen a few female YouTubers who describe behavioral traits that got them diagnosed that I far exceed. My wife cleared up any doubt with "sometimes you seem OCD" and "you're certainly not normal" . Lorna Wing wrote about four types. Reading about these helped me understand the spectrum: Lorna Wing types

I don't stim really when I'm having a panic attack or meltdown, no matter how bad it is. The only 'stimming' I do is throw myself on to the bed or couch and cry, and pick up my phone to rant on WP or phone a close family member and pour my heart out. I don't rock or flap my hands.

So whenever you see another thread of me ranting about something, it's usually because I'm having a meltdown over something and it is my way of dealing with it. Letting humans know how I'm feeling really helps a lot.