Tone problems

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I was talking to one of my female friends about how I accidentally insulted another friend (male) twice in a conversation and then sort of panicked and didn't know what to do when they told me that I actually am insulting accidentally more than I think. I was a bit shocked and they went on to say that I can also talk down to them sometimes as if they were stupid which took me back even more because I admire this friend and think they're smarter than me. I then went to apologise to the first friend who I'd insulted, asking for them to point out if I do anything like that again and found out that on top of everything else, I also can come off as quite cold during conversations. After talking to more friends I basically found out that my tone is often very different from what I mean it to be and I can't lie it's quite upsetting because I would never want to seem like that. Being a person with anxiety that apparently can be seen as aggression is a big enough problem. The only one I could kind of see is with my male friend because I'm worried about him thinking I like him non platonically so I might accidentally overcompensate. But with others, I was very shocked.

With my friends you could argue it is fine because they know me enough and have the knowledge that I'm autistic which lets them realise that I am that way completely by accident but I'm now worrying about how I come across to others. I try so hard to be a good person and feel SO guilty any time I upset anyone. The annoying thing is I literally can't tell. How many of you have a similar problem and how have you dealt with it? I'm feeling very guilty.

Yes tone has been hard for me. I tend to sit back and observe a lot. I watch other people's interactions, listening to their tone and taking note of the responses it gets. I have a more monotone voice and perhaps a lower pitch than the average female, and I've worked to modify it when talking to people in certain settings. I mimic voices I've concluded are successful in coming off as pleasant.

For the most part this is successful, but there are times I can't maintain it. And it can make me feel far removed from my actual self.

On the flip side, I relish in the times where I can be myself without mimicking, and sometimes take it too far. It's really hard to find a balance.

I don't think I have a problem with using tone of voice. People have hardly ever misinterpreted my moods, because when I talk I seem to use the 'correct' tone of voice.

By tone, do you mean by how you say things or just your tone as in your voice like sad, angry, or mad?

I find I have this issue more online than in real life because people cannot hear my tone. They cannot see my body language to know I am happy and friendly. Instead they might see me as being aggressive or something.

^ Why is your post so aggressive LG

I mean by like just my voice, as in apparently I sound angry and like I'm talking down to people based on just that, not necessarily my words. Over message though apparently my words have a similar issue as I come across as too flat/cold/unfeeling . According to my diagnosis notes I don't move enough so it's not really easy to read what I mean by body language. I'm lucky that my way of showing affection is helping people so they can realise I'm not actually how I come across.

Maybe have a read of the following information by way of this link:

Speak For Success! How To Dramatically Improve Your Voice For Public Speaking.

And maybe have a few or how ever many sessions with a voice coach, or even a singing instructor, as it can be just a matter of practice with vocal pitch, tone and hues to get the hang of them. I got into tonal chanting a few decades back doing it daily and it edged into my everyday speaking and improved it no end, as I used to do the condescending thing due to having been spoken to that way a lot and having picked it up as a habitual mimicry.

A basic tip perhaps is to sound out the vowels of the Alphabet (A, E, I, O and U) in sequence in different ways for five or ten minutes or however long for fun on a regular basis, and then make a point of over prOnoUOncIng them in say ten or twenty words until you get the hang of tonal variations. It can be really helpful if you have a friend or two that you can joke around with over the Emph-As-Is-Is thing in words as laughing while your learning improves the learning process quite considerably.

Alot of people use the singing scale thing from the Sound Of Music film starring Julie Andrews:

Doe, a deer, a female deer
Ray, a drop of golden sun
Me, a name I call myself
Far, a long, long way to run
Sew, a needle pulling thread
La, a note to follow Sew
Tea, a drink with jam and bread
That will bring us back to Doe.

There are also loads of YouTube vids for improving vocal range and tone, so with a bit of luck it may just be case of getting used to vowel sounding or else getting a bit of help from vocal therapist, maybe. Either way I hope this information proves in at least some small way to be useful in terms of opening the world of affective and effective communication up to you more.

Anyway ~ have a good one and may it involve many many more!

DT

Last edited by Deepthought 7 on 14 Aug 2020, 7:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

No-one has ever commented directly on my tone. When I was diagnosed some years ago I was, however, labelled as "monotone". But that was in my native language, which I more or less don't speak these days. Perhaps I sound more like a TV-set when speaking a foreign language.

That's interesting. When I'm coming close to a breakdown and am at extremely huge levels of stress I become quite monotone and I originally was when I was diagnosed.

In my case it might simply be that my standard voice has no modulation, and to "add tone" is a conscious effort which I can't be bothered with except when talking to higher-ranking people. Similar to how I've stopped making eye-contact in favour of conserving my energy for more urgent tasks.