Random Triggers that you're aware of, but can't help...?
In the past ten to fifteen years, I've noticed that during business-related calls [and sometimes even e-mails] strangers with whom I'm communicating seem to call me by my first name without asking. I imagine it's a newer practice that businesses feel will help them seem more friendly and relatable to customers. Personally, it's bothered me a LOT more than even I feel it should bother me, and I'm not sure why. I'd much prefer in a business scenario [i.e. with a stranger whom I've never met or seen] being addressed as Mr. Fitzgerald or just "Sir" is just more apropos with or without permission, and I've finally started to request that of people in this situation. I don't like to feel haughty and I KNOW that it's not a matter of personal disrespect towards me, but it just bothers me a LOT and always has. Maybe it's because that as a child, I was always encouraged, and or corrected to use "Sir", "Madam", or "Ma'am" when addressing adults [both people whom I didn't know personally and adult neighbors/family friends]. Only recently [since my diagnosis] have I started to feel willing to speak up and remedy this when it occurs, but I still feel weird asking it of people. Still, I'm even more uncomfortable when strangers call me by my first name.... Anyone else feel this way?
If not, what are some of your own personal "triggers" or "quirks" in business conversations that make you feel uncomfortable...?
_________________
-- Hank
o-(|8[#]
“Politics is the art of controlling your environment.”
― Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
The things have changed a bit within the last years and people in business try to be less formal for appearing more natural and for this trustworthy just because there is a thinking that as more as they try to appear more of your friend as less do you assume that they want to make deals that are just bad for you. Another part of this that people start to dress less formal and skip the traditional suit as well.
Once you have to deal a lot with them then it can be an advantage to you. Once there were a guy who was the representative a very important customer of our company. I had to deal with him regarding explaining some very technical stuff. It's more easy to talk about things a nonformal way. So I was with him nonformal on a first-name basis from the beginning as people who work together should be while my boss still had to be a formal way that bothered him a lot.
But of course you have to ask for this in first step whether your opposite is OK with it otherwise it's just very disrespectful and he or she may disliking you for this. People are very aware of the way that you treat them.
_________________
I am as I am. Life has to be an adventure!
I have mixed feelings about the issue of names. I've noticed that some people feel strongly that they should be called by their preferred handle, and I'd normally respect that. I'm also somewhat suspicious when business people call me by my familiar name because I'm very aware that sellers try to do this psychological move on people where they pretend they're my friend when in truth they're just trying to make a profit off my back.
Though if it weren't for that I'd be happier for everybody to call everybody by their familiar names all the time - I guess that's my idealism wishing we all followed the "liberty, equality and fraternity" ethos, and my wariness of how using less familiar names can make it easier for people to be less than kind and human to each other. I'm also fond of referring to leaders by their familiar names (when I think I can get away with it) in order to cut them down to size, because I feel that most leaders are narcissistic and I'd rather people didn't defer to them. Worst of all is the situation where somebody thinks I should call them by their preferred honorific while they call me by my forename, which seems to be to be a demand for me to pay lip service to the notion that I recognise them as a superior. Though I can't say anybody has tried to do that number on me since my school days.
A young biochemist came to work with us, and the older chief technician was the only one there who would always call him "Doctor M....." rather than by his forename that everybody else used. The biochemist eventually said to him that he'd rather he called him by his forename and that he felt embarrassed when he used the "Doctor" handle. The chief technician replied that he didn't feel he could do that because he'd always respected these honorifics and was rather too set in his ways to change. I guess that reflected a difference in the social outlook of the two, the biochemist being more of a familiar egalitarian while the chief technician was of the old school and believed in the hierarchy.
These days it's hard to know which handle to use - do you simply ask and comply with what they want, or do you call them by the name that reflects your attitude to these socio-political matters? I very often get round the whole problem by simply not using their names at all - I'm afraid I often forget people's names in any case, so I'm used to using other signals of courtesy to avoid annoying people too much. In my case, in practice, everybody has used forenames, except for some service providers who call me "Mr. ....." Time was when I wished they too would use my forename, but these days I don't mind it so much. I suppose rather than seeing it as stuffy and standoffish as I once did, I now see it as attractively quaint.
Dear_one
Veteran
Joined: 2 Feb 2008
Age: 76
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,721
Location: Where the Great Plains meet the Northern Pines
Now that you are older, you are dealing with peers, and with younger people who did not get your conditioning. I'd say that you are lucky to get your name - I only get a nickname. I'm glad it isn't Dick.
You might try only writing your title, initials, and last name, and then clarifying your preference if asked for a first name. It might also help to move to England or Japan, if things have not changed too much.
Thank you all for the replies. Great stuff to think about. Most folks in business situations are usually pretty cool about it after I bring it up, and some call centers seem to keep notes on customers. Oftentimes, if I say that I prefer to be called something else, next time I have to call in to that same company the conversation doesn't have to happen again. If they'll introduce themselves by their own first name, say "David" [hypothetically], I'll still call them Mister David. Funny how it irks me, though I realize that as everyone pointed out, it's either a business or sales tactic to better to relate to customers [or psychologically increase sales pressure], but it's still something that I just seem to need to happen my way to not be annoyed.
For the record, I usually don't go by my given name at all. Friends call me by my nickname, some don't even know my "government name". If it's a company that doesn't involve me needing to use a credit application like a store membership or some such, I just use my nickname, "Hank" instead of my actual front name. It's gotten easier over time for job applications and medical records at Doctor's offices and such to have a box to check for "Name you prefer to be called" or even with a medical setting, "Don't call me name out loud in the waiting room". The workers and opticians at the place I have my glasses and frames done all call me "Hank", not "Sir" or "Mister Fitzgerald", but somehow it's okay with me when we actually know one another on a personal level and have an ongoing 'in real life' business relationship spanning almost five years.
Whenever I ask someone on a phone call not to use my first name, I always mention that I don't mean to disrespect them, it's just my personal preference. The trigger I have has given me insight and empathy, I feel for people who apply a religious moniker instead of their using legal name, and prefer to be called that, and of course transgendered individuals who haven't legally changed their name to their preferred gender name.
_________________
-- Hank
o-(|8[#]
“Politics is the art of controlling your environment.”
― Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
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