“That doesn’t define you”

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My son is 6 and is now in his third week of online school.

His regular teacher has said a few ignorant things:

* “That doesn’t define you” (when he shared that he has ADHD)
* “If you’re not paying attention, that is your choice.”
* “If you’re moving or not seated, you’re not paying attention.”
* Not accepting a correct answer because the kid mispronounced a word or said it in a funny voice

She regularly uses slang English and makes common English errors, such as using the wrong form of “there”.

I understand that she has way too much to deal with right now. But I kind of feel like she is defaulting to her core beliefs because she is stressed.

My kid and the others seem to respond to her with self-soothing-type actions, like goofing off or moving more. And I’m noticing that the smart kids are having a harder time.

I don’t have so much of a problem with this. I know he will be in situations like this without me and needs to learn how to deal with it.

But it struck me as unfair. It gave me a better understanding of what my kid has to put up with.

Any thoughts?

Take your concerns to the principal.

The first item: (whatever disorder) "doesn't define you" is valid, I feel. My autism doesn't "define" me. And no diagnosis should define a first-grader.

The other items are typical teacherly irritations that don't make it easy for kids, and stifles learning.

That reminds me of the old teacher my Aspie daughter had to deal with last year. Geez, from "her own way" my daughter plunged into "fully disabled" under this teacher's guidance. She stopped doing any schoolwork, stopped talking, receded socially... I was actually glad the pandemics caused school closures and I de facto homeschooled her for the rest of the term.
Now her "regular" teacher is back and things come back to normal again, she's herself, she can play with her friends and even enjoy studying.

Consider changing a teacher.

It sounds like you need to have a discussion with the Principle and teacher. Possibly with a child psychologist in the room in order to help them understand your son's condition.

I can agree that am not just my autism, but my autism does influence my behavior and how I perceive and interact with the world. I really can't separate my autism from the rest of me. Naturally, whatever the rest is also contributes to who I am. What the teacher is expressing with your son's ADHD does not define him is the concept that you can be anything you want to be and behavior is simply a personal decision--that old-fashion idea and has no basis in reality. It is a very destructive idea that has led to the abuse of people, most notably with the idea the homosexuality is simply deviant behavior. The teacher needs to understand that ADHD is not simply acting up or a lack of self control. Actually, trying to suppress it can lead to very negative outcomes and she is exacerbating the situation.

It is really hard to grow and become a human being in the best of worlds. It is so much harder with conditions like ADHD or ASD--just look at the teacher's response. It seems the teacher and possibly the school needs help in understanding children with these conditions. It is not a case of blame, but helping the teacher with ideas and tools to be successful in the classroom. Your son will not be the only child she will have to educate.

It is also important to understand that interventions now can lead to success. However, without the proper interventions, the long-term outcomes don't look great or will be very bumpy. ADHD is not something you grow out of and certainly the social aspects of your son's life are just going to become increasingly more complex. I grew up in a time autism was not invented (I was diagnosed at 56). Looking back, awareness and self-awareness could have made significant differences to my trajectory.

The ADHD doesn't define him, but at the same time the teacher should know about his condition. The teacher should know about his condition so she knows that your son does not choose to be distracted or act up.

I remember being mistaken by teachers and peers as lazy when I was younger...because I would indulge in food for comfort and to help with my stress when unhappy...and I was uncomfortable in my environment which sometimes made it hard to act with confidence and success...

There are definitely levels of attention, it's not either on or off. We can all benefit from learning different ways to channel our attention and concentrate...but we don't all do it in the same way. I've definitely found I can be still and be totally checked out, or be still and be focused...and I can also be in motion and be checked out, or in motion and be focused. So...yeah.

The teacher should be educated about ADHD (I agree with what others have said). Education is key. Given the right kind of knowledge, people will be less black and white in their thinking, it seems like people either give *too much* leeway due to a condition (make and defend endless excuses for it), or too little (disregard it completely), to make up for their lack of knowledge. Sometimes people can have a hard time with subtlety, complexity, and nuance (this is NT people, not just those with ASD etc) and also they will jump to conclusions...and given how we're all unique as individuals, this is bound to lead to misunderstandings.

Many very good points here.

I wish I could bring Fnord in with me to a principal meeting! Any meeting, really.

In general, yes I agree the kids need to get used to the regular social expectations. Here at home we spent 35 years not knowing my husband was an aspie and 5 years not knowing our son has ADHD. So with each we had a set of expectations before diagnosis and then adjusted expectations after diagnosis.

I do not expect my husband to attend social gatherings of any sort. I realize now that it’s not necessary and can be cruel. He chooses himself what social things to attend.

I don’t expect my son to stay still anymore or really have any working memory. I’m still figuring out how to translate this into expectations and accommodations with others.

It’s still a learning experience for me.