Could I Be In Depression?

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The last decade or so I have had hopes and dreams dashed. Actually it has been for longer then that but...
Anyway. Fair enough, that is life.
But for ages and ages.. Years... I have had nothing to look forward to. I am too used to things not working that if something good comes, I am in a half earted mood about it as the enthusiasm for life just is not there as I kind of expect things not to work out. I give in or will jepardize things because I can no longer face trying to battle. Is like I have no battle left in me.
I am in a kind of shellshock but of a mental and spiritual kind where I will just shelter rather then head out to war. (An analagy thing. Not really going to war).
Even the things I love I can no longer be bothered with. My life is wake up. Wait for the pain to subside. Get out of bed. Sit onthe toilet for a few hours until I can go and the aching subsides. Then eat, and either sit or go back to bed to keep warm if I am not needed to drive somewhere... Then somehow it is night again and it is back to bed while the outside life is dark and depressed and silent and I hear the tinitus in my ear which keeps me awake so I just stay on the internet until I get so tired I fall asleep again.

The problem is that sice the last few burnouts ad the ones before, they hit hard so when I do start to recover, I still energy wize feel drained. Understandably I am now much older then I was as a child so energy is going to be lower, but if it gets lower with age I won't be able to lift a finger when I am pension age! (Which is said to be more like 80 for my age?)

But anyway... I was thinking. Could this feeling of not even being bothered to do the things I love... Could this be depression?
Ok. I am naturally going to be depressed at the moment because something has happened to cause it... But somehow because I already feel like that, I am numb to life so though it has sunk me lower, it is... Well. Put it this way. In the past if this happened I would be thinking of suicide, but as I feel now, I can't be bothered to plan suicide as it is too much bother! (No. I am not suicidal. I am trying to explain how I feel).

Could how I feel be long term depression? But it is not the cause of how I feel. It is the result of how I feel because of the way burnout and shutdowns etc have effected me and prevented me from following some of my past dreams and goals... Though other reasons are that I hit a lot of various stresses in my life through outside sources during the years. I sure have been through some battles due to others lives needing help and having no one else to turn to etc... Some were family. Some were relations or family friends. 43 funerals in a few years... Lots...
But anyway. This virus thing. I am numb to it. Yes, I have had increased anxiety and I have almost lost the ability to go in shops. (Can't wear a facemask but I am exampt, but I do now have one of the face screen things which I am keen to try out as I wore it foe a few minutes and it seems ok. But even before the facemask rules and the virus Iwas finding some shops a bit much requiring me to employ my "Coping stratergies" to manage myself enough to get out of the shop in one piece. Since covid the one way and queuing systems mean I can't employ my "Coping mechanisms" so the larger shops I can't go in.

But... I need ways to make myself excited. Bring some joy back again. But I do get them now and then but I go from highs to lows, sometimes within seconds (Or it seems like that!).

Life is an adventure. So how do I capture it? Where is my net? "Swish, swish! Got some! Let me go out in the car and walk in the rain with my umbrella if it can stand the wind? I need a strong umbrella. Never used umbrellas before. They are exciting! I can stand in the rain and not get wet! Fantastic idea. I could make my own umbrella system... Here I go again with my crazy inventor ideas!

If I can hold this crazyness I can make myself feel better. I am allowed to be stupid. Am I? It keeps me sane!

See ya! ---》---》》》》 *Off MG goes to do something stupid!*

Hi MG,
Sounds like you're stuck in a prolonged low period.
My suggestion would be to take care of your health, making sure to get good food and outdoor exercise, and plan something fun. Not sure the covid situation there, but are you able to take a little trip, eg to the beach or shopping or cinema, or really anything different from your usual places? Sometimes just getting out and about may help with mood.
If you really can't face doing anything, you might want to talk to your GP about whether you might be depressed.
Hope that helps.

I found this a useful blog post from Musings of an Aspie:

ACCEPTANCE AS A WELL BEING PRACTICE

To me, it sounds as if you are very dehydrated. Do you pee for 20 seconds several times a day?

I either drink far too much due to nurves etc, and am going from toilet to toilet so I can be limited to where I can travel to go places I know where the toilets stay open (If I travel East toilets tend to close at 5pm but travelling to rural places and I can find hedges and fields etc... And half the toilets stay open as they don't have crime issues like the populated areas in the east).

Other times I drink hardly anything and can forget to drink until I reach a level when I suddenly find I am absolutely desperate to drink... Or I notice aches from the sides of my lower back in the mornings...

Are you still constipated with lots of water? Do you notice any other changes between being wet and dry inside? I keep careful track of how much I drink, because if I get dry, I feel very stupid and lazy, but not thirsty, and I can't figure out the problem until I look at my water records.

Yes I would think what you describe could be called depression. I would think a doctor would just offer you antidepressants, but there might also be some kind of talk therapy, which is usually a safer option. I'm wary of antidepressants because of potential side effects, though I'm not saying they're never appropriate. That would depend on how much "pain" you're in.

If it were me I'd probably try to make sure I was getting a healthy diet and enough sunlight, fresh air and exercise. No need to go to war against the problem, just a bit of gentle pressure on yourself to take a few small steps forward - every little helps. Obviously you need something to do that will give you the right amount of challenge - not so much as to set yourself up for a demoralising fall, but not so little as to feel like it's no credit to you when you've achieved it. I sometimes get these phases of ennuie when there doesn't seem to be anything worth doing. All you can do is keep looking and hope that something suitable turns up.

Difficult to know what to do. Kind of been like this for a long time due to circumstances, but I do not want to go on medication. Already taking one med which I am taking now and then rather then daily as meds are supposed to be taken...
And was supposed to take another but I have escaped going on them! Phew!
Only take the one I take because now and then I have to or I get problems in a physical way... Though it is probably stress that cause part of it. Not too sure.

But all is good. I don't like medication incase I suddenly stop taking them or I forget because sometimes I can forget something for days. Like I can forget to drink liquids on some occasions unless I physically feel thirsty... And sometimes I do not feel thirsty until I am desperately thirsty if that makes sense? Other times when nurvous or stressed I will drink and drink and drink!