Marriage And Following NT Template..........

Post Reply New Topic

I can never understand how come 9 out of 10 times if you aren't married or involved or are eccentric and prefer a different lifestyle you are almost always out of the group? I do date occasionally but am more focused on my father dog and interests

Sometimes I'd rather be single to be completely honest. I'm very independent and I hate compromising lol, even though I don't show it. Do you struggle with commitment also like me?

NT template :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_JPa3BNi6l4

(i'm not a robot)

Last edited by LaetiBlabla on 10 Apr 2017, 1:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I don't know if the coupled up NTs are scared a bit or unsettled by our lack of dependency or rather our blatant independence.

They don't understand it, our ways are alien to them.

Or maybe they think we'll try and steal their spouses.

Or maybe they are unhappily married and jealous of our freedom and don't want a reminder of what they could have if they were still free and single.

A "group of people" is "people who share similar stuffs"
The more you share similarities, the more you are part of the group.
If you are different, you are not part of the group, or they even perceive you as a threat to the group, ...minorities' lot.

In a group of singles, better be single.
In a group of married people, better be married.
In a group having children, better have children.

That explains why I was never one for such relationships. I also call it the cis-gender template. Given the choice between a traditional relationship and my Schultz helmet, I choose the helmet. I choose Germany over womanhood.

Well yes that's true, people with things in common group together naturally.

I don't think it's as aggressive as "you had better be" like me, more a feeling of comfort in being with people you can relate to and share experiences with.

This ^ I recently had a conversation with a good (NT) female friend of mine, who's boyfriend recently cheated on her. She says she gets bored being single and is not used to it. Being in a relationship is nice if it's chilled but I can't understand the need to spend every day with each other, when it only leads to arguments. Who wants that, really. An Aspie with confidence I can imagine being seen as attractive if not intimidating and still unusual.

Oh i can understand it. I haven't chosen to be single, but my married friends just can't relate
They can't understand what it's like to be hopelessly unable to form that kind of relationship. It 'just happened' for them, or they 'wanted it so they made it happen '.

They don't get how nothing organically 'happens' for me or why when I do male an effort I get rejected.

It's totally different lives.

The reasons I think for ASD aloneness is threefold:

1. Lack of social skills

2. Even if social skills are gained, there is often significant social anxiety as the result of being isolated and rejected. Anxiety can also cause one to behave strangely, as if they had no skills.

3. Even if the first two points are solved and confidence is gained, those with ASD, still may find they prefer independence, due to special interests, a strong need to do their own thing etc. I wonder how many so-called commitment phobes, who may seem like confident players, actually haver some form of ASD but are self confident so they present differently.

I watched from the sidelines as those in my last social/pub group slowly began to pair themselves up. The group dynamics slowly changed with it, and though I was really too depressed to pay much attention at the time, those same dynamics were the nail in the coffin on that one. Being single and female suddenly made me a threat to all my 'close' female friends. I wish other women wouldn't think every other woman is clearly out to steal their man, but I'm beginning to suspect it's a major instinct in normal-minded people. Remaining incongruously apart from the mysteriously invisible romantic force that descended upon our group exposed me as the outsider.
Ah well, some distance has allowed me to see how temporary that situation was always going to be, and being bisexual made me a bit of a unicorn to those guys anyway. I know some of them have kids, now. I simply wish there was some way to feel meaningful connections with people without them expecting you to give them the world and sundry as payment.

I think NT do not realize the commitment required before having a family.
So they just jump into the template... and realize afterwards.

We are generally "over-thinking", hence we realize the commitment required before jumping into the project.
Family may become our own "thing" and special interest. For my part, it would.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not allowed to join in with the grown-ups. Like they see me as still a kid and I'm not allowed to hang out with the group of married women. Not sure if I'd enjoy it anyway, but I am deliberately not included. Possibly not maliciously, but I think that they think I wouldn't want to be there because I'm not the same as them.

I'm awaiting an official DX but as a suspected ND who's married to someone NT, who's family is NT, the biggest thing I encounter is the very mistaken belief that independence means I don't love my family and they don't love me. My mother in law has always operated with this suspicion that because I don't call my father daily and need him or lean on him for a lot of my adult life, there is less love between us. Interestingly, my husband finds his mother's interference in his life smothering (I did too when she involved me before I set up some firm boundaries and realized that this was my husband's cross to bear) but I've noticed that in NT families there's a lot more involvement than I'd be comfortable with.

In the UK it's not so much a big deal whether another person is in a relationship or not. I know loads of single NTs, including a few people at work, but they still fit in well in the rest of the group. The ''alpha male'' at work is actually single.