Being open about AS

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I was newly diagnosed with Asperger, 66 years old. At last I know why my whole life I have felt myself different. But now I wonder who to tell and who not to tell. I have told my family and still fell included and loved. But so-called friends have reacted differently. Some say «OK So what?», others say «I didn’t know you where mentally ill», or even worse things. Does anyone have advice? Should I be open to all, some people or nobody?

I tell people who are interested in me and our relationship, provided they are not prone to prejudice. You might ask if they ever met an Aspie, to find out if they know it is a spectrum, etc.

It's better to skip that at all. Aspergers doesn't means that you are mentally ill but just a different way. You may tell friends who you are trusting and hanging out with because they are the only ones who need to know if staying with you because it may cause you trouble with other people and they should be aware of it. But you should rather explain your problems than to name it because people don't have a real clue about Aperger's and autism and reports about other people who are lower functioning or have a lot of quite different traits and comorbidities may cause them a wrong imagination about you.

Whom should I tell about my Asperger's Syndrome Diagnosis?

( ) Family
( ) Family and friends
( ) Family, friends, and workplace
( ) Family, friends, workplace, and strangers
( ) Everyone
(•) None of the above

^you mean your wife doesn't know?

If she does, she has never said so.

very, very interesting

Most people except the ones who like you enough to even risk their ass for you are either to uninterested in you to even care about it or will use that knowledge even against you only. It's better to count as quite strange then as mentally ill as people who know about it may trait you afterwards and even tell others as well.

Who does not fall under this category "Family, friends, workplace and strangers". Is the difference in how you do it. Where as telling everyone is being like. PSA I have autism. Wearing t-shirts like,
^
This Person
Has Autism
Or does this mean something else?
Personally, I've always been the shout it from the rooftops kinda guy even more so wen i was younger.

My opinions below would apply to your situation because you have been formally diagnosed. Without a formal diagnosis I might not share it with anyone, except possibly someone I trusted to help me assess the likelihood.


Spouse: Absolutely YES!

It would seem wrong to me, in more than one way, to not share the diagnosis with my bride.

When I first had a suspicion, I told her. As I did research and found relevant indications, I shared them with her. She did some research, too, to independently assess the likelihood. After I took the Autism Spectrum Quotient test she independently took it on my behalf (giving the answers she thought I should have given). When I finally lined up a psychologist to do the assessment, my bride went to the first appointment and was questioned too, and went home with a to-do list, and my bride came to the final appointment when I got the diagnosis.

And now I can easier explain some of my quirks and preferences to her. Though she was tired of hearing "I have a doctor's note for that!" before we even left the psychologist's office.


Family: I would definitely think so.

They might already think you are odd and your diagnosis might be of interest to their doctors.

I delayed telling them, however, until I could do it in person. I thought their reactions might be entertaining (they were mildly entertaining).

My Dad was not interested--but then he was in his 60s before "Asperger Syndrome" was even in the official book in the U.S. (in 1994). He doesn't have much interest in computers, either.

Two of my three siblings reacted with interest as to what medical implications it had to them. The third had a professional interest because she works as a nanny for special needs children; even though she was only five when I left for college, in the future I am likely to tease her about having had an Aspie brother and not having noticed--though obviously she already knew I was a bit odd.


Friends: I intend to go case by case on this.

I hope to tell friends who I think will be supportive, and I wish to tell them in person. (Over the phone sort of counts as in-person, I guess.)

But, this has not happened, yet. I wanted to tell my family first and so that I could do it in person I was delayed until holiday season, when we traveled to see them. Then came tax season . Then came surgery season (I'm old ). Then came global pandemic season. And, I live in the U.S. so it is still global pandemic season.


Workplace: This does not apply to me. I really am doubly retired.

I guess it would've depended on the organization if I told it. Co-workers I would probably handle on a case-by-case basis, as with friends. The culture where you live might handle things like this differently than here.


Strangers: When the whim struck.

I knew almost nothing about autism until January 2019, when Reality hit me with a huge hint that I might be autistic. Now I know how uninformed I was and how wrong was the what little I thought I knew.

So maybe when the opportunity occurs and the whim strikes, maybe I should be a good-will ambassador for those of us from the WP who are marooned on Earth?


My Doctors: Yes!

I am different than most of their patients. I've learned that officially I communicate differently and process sensory information (including pain) differently. And I really want my doctors to adjust to my needs.

I found:

     https://aaspire.org

     https://autismandhealth.org

I am trying to use that information to get my medical care to work better for me.

Unfortunately, so far the doctors seem disinterested.

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Now, I'd like to apologize to anyone who has read this far into my posting. I am impressed (and maybe a little confused) by your tenacity. I apologize for its length, and for how much of it was staring back at you while you were reading.

Whether you should tell anyone depends on your relationship with these people and what you know about their personalities (which will determine how they will react).

I noticed that as time passed following my diagnosis in 2016, my desire to disclose my ASD changed. At first, I wanted to tell almost everyone, but I didn't. I only told my wife and my sister. As time passed, I realized that not telling lots of people about my diagnosis was wise, as I came to believe that disclosing it to people would interfere with the relationships I had with those people. I didn't want to give anyone else reason to think about my condition as they interacted with or thought about me, I just wanted to deal with them the way I always had. Had I disclosed to them, I would have lost some degree of control over how I would interact with them in the future.

My advice is to be careful who you tell, and if you have been recently diagnosed (e.g., a few days or weeks ago), you might want to rein in your feelings, and think about things a bit longer before you start disclosing your condition to others like your acquaintances and co-workers, and maybe even some of your family members.

I should add that I did disclose my ASD diagnosis to any and all doctors I have visited, and I think that if you will soon visit a doctor, it would certainly be a good opportunity for you to tell them, so that you can get some practice how you might best disclose your diagnosis to others, and how it makes you feel.

I consider it case-by-case basis, but I am pretty open about it. The way I see it, if there's nothing to be ashamed about being an autist, why would I behave as if it was some dirty secret? I find life with my limited social skills easier if I don't have to spend energy in hiding. I find people's reactions to saying A-word a pretty decent litmus test for whether I am in a place that is good for me or whether I should get out.
Usually, if it's someone I know I'm going to deal with regularly in some level, I will tell because I don't take eye contact. I just say something like "I'm aspie, I can't make eye contact" and leave it at that. It's enough, really, people know what my "weirdness" is about and don't spin wild theories about it. Nobody's ever started to ask questions or treat me differently because I've disclosed my autism.
It would be extremely difficult for me to find employment without telling about AS because my workplace needs to be a little accommodating to my autism traits. Besides -it's not like I'd like to spend such a big portion of my waking time around people who could not accept me as I am. That just doesn't sound healthy...

But yeah, this is just my current experience. There have been times in my life where things have not been this easy, so not judging anyone who lives in a situation where they feel they'd better keep quiet.

Why not learning it eye-contact? Of course you have to control your emotions during it. Best is to keep a good mood and skip negative expectations already before trying it. The mirror neurons of your opposites cause them to like you as well then because they'll get your emotions by feeling the same as well as you may get theirs emotions because of your own mirror neurons. It's the easiest way to make friends btw. It's the way the brains of NTs works. You may get also hidden thoughts towards you and recognize enemies. Never let them scare you!

Hmmm... I have mixed feelings about making a lot of friends. I'm an introvert. I'm comfy with a small number of friends. And looking someone in the eyes feels uncomfortably intimate to me.

And I honestly did not realize I was doing it less than other (NT) people. I would only know they were looking me in the eyes if I looked into their eyes and since I didn't do that I didn't know they did.

I was taught early that it was polite to look at people when I was talking to them and I did do that; I naturally social-distanced anyways so maybe they couldn't see I was looking at their chin, or nose, or forehead, or shoulders?

But your explanation of NT wiring is interesting. Sometime if I want someone to be a friend I might try it.

You shouldn't miss the looks of the beautiful eyes of the women who like you!


Some additional hints. Don't stare at one eye during eye-contact but look at the other as well every few seconds. If you spot the point between the eyes you may get the feelings. Many NT people expect eye contact during talking. Women notice you caring their eyes even if you are looking at them from the side. Don't stare if they don't look back. The may become even angry once you are staring at them. Most women won't ever do eye contact except while talking. Good luck with it!