A few items to discuss

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Hello all:

I am new to this site, this forum, this environment, and I wanted to bring up some things relevant to ASD/ADHD that I have been experiencing lately... I have been diagnosed since Dec 2019, which isn't very long, and I am always looking for ways to adapt and grow while being on the spectrum, so here goes:

1. Best approaches for online dating-- any tips, tricks, especially related to conversing with the female species
2. Overcoming sensory issues related to sound... Every sound, every bump is AMPLIFIED. I am ultra sensitive, especially at home. How does everyone set up their home environments to block out noise from neighbors?
3. Tips for improving communication with strangers/others. Communication is NOT my strong suit. Written, I'm fine, speaking, not so much. If I could get away with emailing every single person I meet, that would be great, but that's not the world we live in. I especially struggle with "word finding."
4. Dealing with loneliness, rejection, isolation... Some days are harder than others

If anyone has something to contribute, please do so. Again, I'm new to this environment and forums in general for that matter, so, yeah.

I can't add much except to say that on this site that you are in the right place.

There are ladies on this site who can offer advice on how to speak to them.

Welcome to WP! I was diagnosed not too much earlier than you but I've been wandering around parts of WP and I think you might like it here.

1: Through many strokes of unlikely luck I did manage to marry at age 45 and am still happily married. In general, though, this would be an area of utter ineptness for me. I can share a little about the beginning of my relationship with my future bride but I have no idea whether there is anything you should emulate.

- When we first met I talked about shared interests as if she was just another person, not a romantic target. (Sigh. I am a klutz. We had a great conversation and I made a good impression. I later learned she was disappointed I didn't ask for her phone #.)

- I was easy to find. She knew where to find me when she had a reason to.

- She remembered me and had learned enough about me when we spoke that she later thought of me when she needed a favor. While she was asking me for help we discovered something else I could help her with. And I worked taking her out to eat into the trip to help her.


2: Short-term...I understand and have no ideas. (I thought the college dormitories were probably on the outskirts of purgatory.) Long-term...try to choose future home environments as carefully as you can.


3: I recommend humor. I've tried to develop a dry, self-depreciating humor. It helps lubricate awkward situations. Experiment slowly and it becomes somewhat natural. Let's face it, we're on the Spectrum, we'll probably have enough awkward situations to practice with. But I find it is better to have people laugh with me than at me.


4: WP might help a little?

I never had any luck chasing women, but quite a bit by being interesting, and letting myself be caught. Nothing lasted, though. If you are newsworthy but not criminal, that's a good start. If you can manage to get rich, that works too.

I am a lot more noise tolerant when well rested. Working to reduce noise can backfire, making me notice what's left even more. Sometimes, playing familiar background music works well. Electronic aids are improving yearly, but keeping things in the ear canal is not too healthy, long-term.

Maybe you can experiment with communication. A lot of people require several restatements of it to get a new idea.

For friends, find people you can share some interests with, even if you have to stay off of most topics.

1. Dating. It may be better to consider dating as a series of layers rather than a step to sex or marriage. The first layer is convivial conversation in which an actual interest is shown in another person. Successive layers of intimacy are entered as both parties demonstrate reciprocal interest. The target/pursuit method frequently shown in movies to advance the story line quickly can occasionally yield results, but they often are later regretted.

2. Sound. Sudden sound is almost always going to be a problem. Loud sound in general can be managed with ear plugs. Using mineral oil in the ear can reduce irritation.

3. Communication. You may wish to keep a collection of short pithy comments to use in brief social situations where people expect some comment and content doesn't matter. Real communication depends on if you want to learn something, teach something, share an observation, or be entertaining. Few people have any desire to be taught or told something. Asking questions is usually the best approach, but even then too much enthusiasm can drive people away. One has to allow for periods of silence.

A BIG thank you to all above who replied to this post... I have reached a few conclusions recently that serve the purpose to put things in the right perspective for those times of confusion, and I follow that with some commentary on what I have read from all of you..

-I agree with the approaches recommended for dating, and have to remind myself to slowly provide details to those I am interested in instead of an overwhelming outpouring of information
-Listening more than talking, questions, etc I agree with. Much can be ascertained by ACTUALLY listening instead of focusing on your own response to what they are saying
-Similar interests makes sense, although that may be a tough one for me because my interests are quite obscure
- I notice with communication that it is something I have to ACTIVELY think about. It doesn't come naturally to me as it would for a neurotypical type.
-To combat feelings of loneliness and isolation, I have been going inward to the source of the issue in an effort to transcend or transmute these feelings. Although it may be a much bigger challenge, I feel that solving my feelings of loneliness by clinging to something in my external environment leads to fleeting senses of satisfaction, and is less effective than managing the feeling itself through mindfullness

Once again, I extend a thank you to those who replied

Interestingly, after you have listened to someone for a while, they think that they know YOU better. At least they know you don't react badly to their sharing.

Great advice for anyone, NT, or otherwise. But autistics are prone to monologue. So its especially good advice for those on the spectrum.