Today is a sad day for me.

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So without going into personal crap.. to a degree..

Today is a significant day one that would usually bring happiness but today just sadness.
So me being me.. decided to face the world (which I hate) anxiety and the rest.. it's not that I dislike people I've just become so accustomed to and feeling safe within my house but trying to escape being sad. Trying to escape myself through drinking. I have no physical friends irl ones mainly due to trust and self shame / dislike and want on one part to hide / mask my issues with ASD on the other just avoiding myself through drinking. Alcohol has wrecked everything for me and yet I turn to it in a bs attempt to fix my other problems. I'm sad, lonely, angry towards myself and nobody to turn to and share my feelings with especially with others who don't (least I doubt) want to understand me.. cause if I am ashamed of myself, condition or not being on the spectrum.. why wouldn't I just make others ashamed. Least shame is an expectation I know others expect from me. I miss my family.

Dani.

can you tell me more about the situation where you miss your family?

Sure.. so in the lead up to my post..

My family I miss as I know I can totally trust them and be myself rather than be a persona (which I've had my life n they're aware) let's me be everything I want plus more without feeling of meeting others expectations to be that and more without substances. Sorry. Just flew off a mile out of things inside my mind.. today is a birthday of someone and it on one part saddens me but I feel a want to just within my walls I live go and be me. For me.. knowing that I once was loved for just this.. just the schematic diagram of things changed. . To answer your question.. I am sad yet don't know how to change or be accepted by people I love without compromise on what I want to be or offer love or commitment wise. If u want more elaboration ask. I'm midway between having fun, being crippled with sadness and wanting to live people I love without having to be what I'm not .

i think i grok what you are saying, it is tough for some to maintain their integrity as a person when dealing with other people and their needs. i feel that acutely. you are not alone in this.

You mentioned drinking. Would AA meetings be of any help. Also it might connect you with new people from whom you might find others who could offer suggestions as to what has helped them.

Probably. Except I am ashamed of myself for the reasons why I mainly previously attended. It was helpful and all except one meeting something changed. I just ended up compiling to my screw ups years ago and never returned. I went for the right reasons, wanted to meet others, make friends etc.. but I'm just what people like or want. For any relationship that is.

AA people will welcome you back no matter why you started or why you left. Shame is no stranger there.

I definitely get the conflict between wanting to be liked or loved for oneself, and not for the mask we put on so others will tolerate us.

You can work through it. It doesn’t go away, but it can get easier to deal with. Life is basically developing a skill set.

It's really hard to accept that others cannot be what you need them to be, or that you cannot be what they want you to be. That's a very lonely and sad feeling. I'm sorry you are struggling with this.

Om Nom hugs. You have a family here on WP.