Coping with insults

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This is a topic that has always been difficult for me. I'm a woman who's received my diagnosis of ASD at 50, the main way it's affected me throughout my life is that I've been bullied and rejected quite a bit. The hard part is judging when to try to stand up for yourself and when it's better just to let it go/put up with it. I had an older brother who used to put me down and pick on me constantly and I was brought up just to ignore it, and the family let him do it because he wasn't "right" about me being stupid. As I've gotten older and been called stupid and boring by girls at high school and people at work, I've learned there's no such thing as an objective level of intelligence. I think I haven't put enough emphasis over the years on expecting that people respect my presence and just hold back with expressing their opinions when I'm around. It is a difficult thing though because I totally appreciate that I'm annoying for a lot of people. I don't talk enough and I can act really stupid occasionally. There are all kinds of borderline situations - people say things obliquely, people say things behind your back but within earshot, etc etc. Objecting to it and taking them to task doesn't always feel like the right way of going about things. But this has really affected my self image though, it's programmed these ideas that I will be perceived as stupid and boring into my head so strongly that I'm sure these ideas have sabotaged me on their own.

It's not always as simple as recognising "good" or "bad" people either - the borderline is really hazy!

What do other people think about this? Where and how should we draw our boundaries?

You can't stop other from being idiot**c tits

Find the people whom aren't

PN might take a while, keep going, don't lose hope

If all else fails turn into a bitter sh*t and tell the world to F**k erf.

the joy of humanity.

I think a good way to go about it is to think how often and in what situations does some individual person insult you. If you're in an argument with a friend and they call you an idiot, I'd say let it be. Same if you've accidentally done something that you too know to be stupid and get called an idiot for it once or twice. But if someone constantly insults you for the slightest of mistakes or worse, for no reason at all, then that's not something you should just let be. If it's a friend, talk to them about it directly, how it's not okay and if they don't stop, seriously consider if you really need that person in your life or not. If it's a coworker, same step one but if that doesn't work, bring it up to your bosses as workplace bullying. That's a real thing. If it's a family member... well, same step one, but if that doesn't work then I'm not sure what should be done since things with family tend to be more complicated.

If it is a repetitive situation, you can prepare ahead of time with a comment that might discourage future insults (at least within your hearing).

1. "I couldn't help but overhear your observation of my stupidity. Can you tell me what you think could be done to improve?"

2. "I couldn't help but overhear you think I am boring. Do you think I would be more interesting as the gal driven to a mass shooting incident by cruel and insensitive comments?"

3. "Could you keep your insults to yourself. My parole officer said that if I kill even just one more person, they are going to send me back to jail."

4. "Wow, what brought you to such a point in your life that you need to belittle others in such a petty way. Have you never had love, or do you just find petty cruelty amusing?"

Even if you never say the rejoinders, it can give you a sense of control to think about how the others would react if you did say them. This can take a little of the edge off their comments.

It can also help to see them in truth. Sad people who need to verbally "poke" others with a stick to make themselves feel better declare to the world their own mental and emotional poverty.

Haha! Thanks Timi, that's hilarious!

Mona, it's the generalised value judgments, specifically stupid and boring that have mostly affected me - because of course, that means rejection. Growing up it was to my face, as an adult it's mostly been just behind my back but within my earshot. These people are not perfect either, they're just human beings. But unfortunately they're usually more popular than me or in a higher social rank in some way.

It's very difficult because I was brought up just to ignore it and not worry about it. But that's just not possible.

Behaviorally men and women are different with this sort of thing.

Men are expected to come back with a good put down or rebuttal which is extremely difficult for us.

As a result us aspie men end up looking weak and it becomes a vicious bullying circle of people getting away with talking how they like with little comeback.

Maybe my poor communication skills and high anxiety causes me to freeze in such moments, because talking is time sensitive you look silly replying back with something you just thought up 2 hours later.

As a man I notice Women behave differently. They are more polite face to face but b***h like hell behind people’s backs so different social dynamics and possibly requiring different ways to respond.

I just wanted to say that I understand some of the things you've mentioned. I used to always give people the benefit of the doubt when as you say an oblique comment is made that could be almost clearly at your expense. I always find it odd and terrible when someone does such a thing. Its just not in my nature to take pleasure in putting people down, especially those that are showing signs of struggling. I finally one day said to myself that I'm going to call it like I see it and started calling people on their comments. They of course didn't like that, and it caused a rift in my family especially. Though, in the process I've felt good about standing up for myself. I do need to tone it town a little though because I can also be apt to misunderstand people and think they are teasing or criticizing when they may not be. In the end, like everything else I suppose it appears to be a balancing act, choosing your battles and trying not to come down on yourself when you dont live up to your expectations. I often feel badly that I didnt say the comeback I wanted to simply because it was slow to appear and at that time wouldve been massively awkward to say (I believe this is due to the working memory deficits perhaps). I do agree with another poster that finding your people is important and not paying the rest as much mind will likely go far

I had to deal with a couple of guys in their 30s making comments about me as they were on the way to a bank machine. As they headed back to me, I was standing in their pathway and I said to them,

"You have a great hobby making fun of people who are a little different from you, just because you're afraid to be yourselves."

They didn't seem to happy after that.