Issues with saying "I love you."

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It would seem that the only person I feel comfortable saying "I love you" to is my mother. In my life, I've had two girlfriends. I often said "I love you" while I was in those relationships. I've since come to conclusion that I'm asexual/aromantic. The last relationship ended 14 years ago and I haven't sought to be in another one, nor have I missed it.

So there are a couple people in my life who have said "I love you" to me in recent times and I was flattered, but didn't feel comfortable saying it back.

A few times, my longtime co-worker said it to me and said she wanted me to say it back. The most I could manage was "you too." She acted somewhat insulted, though she may have been teasing. Tonight, she and another co-worker were walking by and the other co-worker said "I love you" to me, to which I could only laugh nervously. They then continued to walk by before I could ask any follow-up questions. I assume the co-worker who had said it to me before put her up to it, to see what my reaction would be. Again, possibly they were just teasing.

Then, there's my friend, who typically refers to anyone he's talking to as "brother." He will frequently say things like, "I love you, my brother from another mother." Again, all I can seem to say is "you too." He hasn't mentioned being insulted.

Then there's my stepfather, with whom I have a complicated relationship. He's not very expressive of positive emotions in general. Neither of us says "I love you" to the other unless we're prompted to do so by my mother, in which case, it's usually rather strained.

I think possibly this is left over from those two girlfriends. The first turned out to be extremely controlling and emotionally abusive. The second was much nicer, but towards the end of relationship, was heavily pressuring me to marry her. I feel like I kind of associate the phrase with the obligation to feel emotions on cue, which I'm not usually good at. Also, it always strikes me as very unexpected whenever someone outside my family says it to me, especially since I'm not in a romantic relationship.

I tend to view saying "I love you" as a tad corny, and I'd feel downright embarrassed if somebody said that "I love you my brother from another mother" thing, though I would think a lot of people would feel the same as I do, and I've never heard anybody say it, so maybe it's a modern American thing. Anyway I don't envy you. I reserve the ILY thing for partners, I always forget to say it and feel coy about saying it - I tend to feel that there's no point stating the obvious - but I nearly always say it back if my partner says it to me, and I only feel slightly weird when I do that.

I suppose saying ILY is a ritual with couples, and I don't relate to rituals very much at all. It's a shame there are these funny little expectations because it's a pretty uncomfortable experience when somebody tries to make you do something you can't do.

I've also had it said to me by partners whose behaviour hasn't really backed up their claim, though of course there are many different ideas about what love is supposed to mean. To me these days, if anything it just means that everything is more or less as it should be in the feelings department. But I'd rather demonstrate that I care about somebody than say it, and I'd rather people did the same for me.

I'm not comfortable saying it either.

Yes.

To me, words are mostly awkward. Terms such as that is even more awkward.

It always feels like there's a huge gap between what I feel and what I say, even if the words are intended to express what I feel.

The expressions -- 'cues' that is words felt more an obligation, something one will say out of rehearsed script to me than something authentic...


I prefer hugging someone until their bones may break.

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"I love you" in the early phase of a relationship means "I feel a constant desire to have sex with you". Women are quick to tell a male lover that because a.) they've been conditioned to be ashamed of their sexual desires and b.) they think that admitting to the intensity of their physical desire will put them at an advantage.

To a man, "I love you" means something beyond sex and it's unlikely they'll have formed such feelings so quickly.

Actual "love" (whatever that means) is something that requires substantial time to form, I suppose it happens when the other person becomes a truly important part of your life beyond being a sex partner.

Thank you for the replies, everyone. It's nice to know there are other people who feel the same way.

Have not known personally many of the 'spectrum,' but those few I have had the honor of knowing well have been each and every one intensely honest, genuine humans.

Much of the world is play-acting.
Autists are genuine beings locked in a world of pretending. (Or so it seems to me in this limited experience)

Consider the world "love."
It has become so saccharinized -- so overused, to the point it means nothing at all. I love New York; I love pizza; I love coffee; I love my sports team; I love bagels. It's no longer genuine. To say it now feels fake. Like a betrayal of the self.

I think a person who is on the 'spectrum' who genuinely feels love, will have no difficulty saying it.

It's just all those other times.

I have been so traumatised that I wouldn't belieive anyone who says I love you, except my mom if I physically talk to her. I haven't had anyone pause and say I love you in several years. I've forgotten what it feels like as I'm emotionally deprived.

I have trouble with it too.

I think it's the honesty that's so strong in us. That's one of the reasons I think I'm ASD although I haven't been diagnosed. Lying just seems horrible to me and it feels like I'd have to force myself to do it and maybe I couldn't. I'd rather go pick up something disgusting with my bare hands. So I have to feel really close to someone to be able to say that I love them.
I also have trouble smiling for a camera if I'm not particularly happy. Fakery again, to me.

With the last boyfriend I had, I said I loved him a lot, but when I started to lose that feeling for him, I couldn't say it any more. That was about 15 years ago, and like the original poster, I haven't missed having those relationships.

Danusaurus, I am so sorry about your pain. I've had some pretty violent kicks in the stomach from people too and I know something of what you've gone through.