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I can't do it.. unless heavily medicated..

Family gatherings, weddings, funerals, birthdays..

Like ok.. i have very few friends with this being a social flaw that I endure.. ghosting people and hiding in my bunker of bedsheets, until said event or social agreement/expectation has expired.

Then, I'm riddled with guilt and shame.. and further detachment from my family.

And it hurts, the panic of not knowing how s**t turns out.. like I have better chances of hanging out with a friend, instead of family members.. I'm such an as*hole due to my flaky ways, but I don't mean to be.. I hate it!

The sensation of drowning and disappointing/offending those that I love the most, as there love fades on the other side of that coin.

I find a lot of family ritual gatherings and large mainstream events horrible too, and I'm always torn between attending (and getting "abused" and burned out, wasting my time) and ducking out (and worrying about disappointing people who might not understand or approve of my feelings towards such things).

If it's small, quiet, orderly, predictable, non-invasive, comfortable and inclusive, then I wouldn't have much of a problem, in fact I like being with people and the phrase "get-together" as such doesn't fill me with fear or disdain. "Inclusive" is very important to me. One thing I can't stand is to go to an event and then find it impossible to get into a conversation with anybody. Some groups are more inclusive, more friendly than others. I've even been to some events where they seem to be looking round to make sure nobody's feeling out of it, but it's rare. Most groups don't seem to give a spit whether I'm included or not, and I marvel that they bother to invite me or think ill of me for not going. I'm fine if somebody shows positive interest in me, but I can't push my way in if I'm being ignored, and I can't contribute to a conversation if they don't leave spaces for me to get a word in edgeways. And often I don't think they're interested in me as a person, I think they just want another bum on a seat and to be able to say that a lot of people turned up.