Social cues and awkwardness...

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Is this how it is for you?

Unsure of how to initiate anything physical, such as hugging, even if you need a hug or want to take the initiative?
Terrified of giving off the wrong signals and misleading people?
Unsure of boundaries in friendships and what friendship actually means?
Totally clueless when it comes to cues?

I only realised this weekend past, how socially inept I am, when I went to a music bar with a friend and didn't know whether to sit or stand or when to talk or where to look etc.
And when I wanted a hug, but couldn't say anything and certainly couldn't initiate it and was worrying about how long you should stay in a hug before it is too long, lol.

It is a nightmare.

Things are a little worse for me. I do not know how to initiate or really sustain anything affectionate.. I find that if you act apathetic to those who you dont know if you can trust or not there is no way to mislead them. My friends are few and far between but the ones I do have always tell me they would do anything for me, I just need to ask. Most of them are older than me. Im just 15 and they are all usually females in the 18-21 Range..

Hmm. My problem is more a matter of learning self-control, and not flailing around or spazzing all over. I'm loud, too, so I have to practice constant vigilance so other people don't start asking me why I'm shouting...

I have recently learned 'hugging' and found it strange, but useful. I'm a pretty forceful person, for the most part, so I may decide to initiate it and be damned to the other person's comfort level. It's worked out so far--no one has freaked out at me and shoved me away, but I only ever do it with people I've known for a while and who I know will at least tolerate it.

It takes practice and a certain willingness to make yourself look stupid, if that's what it takes. Part of getting on in social situations is realizing that being embarrassed or making a mistake is not necessarily as terrible as it may seem. It's hard to get over one's own fears and sometimes a real faux pas can be a kick in the teeth, but you can't make an omelet without breaking...well, you know the rest.

Body language and behaviors require a certain amount of comfort in your own body, and a knowledge of what physical actions are performed by other people. You can catalogue these and cross-reference them for later use, and over time (maybe a looong time) build up a repertoire that you can use.

That's how it is for me also!! !!

Graelwyn that sucks dude! That sounds so *sad*. I would def. try to hug you if you caught my eye...
But the first thing to remember is that, if you go to a music bar, you should try to enjoy the music. Most NTs can pick up on that right away, and I'm not an NT by any means but I certainly have learned to read people enough to tell if they're having fun or not. Second, if you're a female it's not as "inept" to give a hard, long hug to a female or guy (though if you don't know the guy so well and don't want to, a short hug is good, say for just a few seconds, but a longer hug is better if you want him/her to remember "hey who was that girl we met the other night?"). It's hard learning about body space, body language etc. It's just hardwired into NT men's brains that if a girl is "in" your space she's interested. So keep that in mind.
And keep practicing! You only learn by watching carefully, and I hate to say it, because even from a biologist such as myself it sounds kinda ruthless, but by stalking and observing your "quarry" from a distance. I later learned this is how one ex "made" me, she followed me around for awhile and then started sticking just to one bar she knew I always would tend to go to on a certain day of the week. Then she got to talking to the bar tender about me... and anyhow she was Borderline Personality (complete with suicidal tendencies when she was mad or sad) & AS so she wasn't so good for me in the end. But yeah, practice makes perfect.
Keep it up!

People around town and my university actually consider me an extrovert, which in some way I am. But for a long time I was just considered this highly intelligent awkward guy who keeps talking nonetheless... My old roommate could tell some funny stories about failed socializing attempts when I first moved in with him. He's AS too but a GREAT NT mimic. He's really good, he taught me some of his secrets with NT women for example, how to maintain smalltalk, how to tell when people are interested, what types you can "make" without even knowing a thing about them. I'm much better years later after all that practice, and then more when he graduated and moved out and I HAD to go out on my own.

Yes, yes, yes, and yes.

I'm female and the trouble with being socially passive is (well for me) my women friends were all socially aggressive dominating people, they formed the relationship, they called me which made it easy for me but it ended up being a problem, in that they have all the 'power', they keep the relationship going or not. you can easily end up being used.

Boyfriends were different however, in my experience (i'm sure it varies) women are expected to take the initiative in romantic/sexual relationships, so i had no alternative but to try. i would never claim to be good at it, i mostly succeeded with the quiet/sensitive guys who don't need THAT much encouragement or chasing, they're happy that you've approached them, however 'poor' you may feel your approach was.

It sounds more like bpd to me.

who?

do you mean Bipolar or borderline?

I think camemberts had too much wine with that cheese.

yeah, there's a line from a movie, the woman says "I chased him till he caught me."

First, i never hug anybody, it has been many many years, aside from rough housing with my friends, i make no physical contact, i cant. Ive never had a sexual relationship and im 24 years old, i tryed the make out thing, back when I had girls chasing me from time to time (i dont know why, but it stopped a few years ago) and let me tell ya, i cant make out, i need to know the person for a while b4 i can show affection, they call me prude. Often girls would in the end think im un interested or did not like them because i treated them like just a friend when they wanted more, truth was i needed much more time to get to know them, no rushing into anything physical, when the time comes i can do it tho, just never got that far.

I used to be afriad of giving off the wrong signals, and every now and then I do it (see above) however that fear diminished over the last few years, i socialize fairly well (years of practice) I go to parties, bars, gatherings, camping trips, nobody is none the wiser, they think im a tad odd, but nothing more.

Fortunatly Im a guy, so friendship too me is someone calling and asking me to come over to their house to eather chill, drink or have a fire, or all 3, we sit, we chill, we BS, and thats friendship. Im not worried about boundries because im at a very comfortable distance always.


I have gotton good over the years about knowing when its my turn to talk and when its time to be quiet, but i still miss social cues such as when its time to leave, or call or sit, or stand ect, that will never improve, i feel im about as good as ill ever be as far as that.

You just need practice, as said previously, watch ppl, step in the social circle, be a tad quiet, and see what others do and say, and just imitate, after a while (and some beers) u can relax, chill and let the night go smoothly.

good luck 2 u!