Decisions...

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I am trying to work out if I need to be assessed, as it could possibly be just a series of mild mental breakdowns over a prolonged period of time which all came crashing in on me due to stress etc.....

As it has been mentioned that feeling one can never been part of society and excluded from things is not the same as being on the autism spectrum...

It has me thinking now, because I feel guilty as the waiting lists to be assessed are a few years wait. I have waited nearly two and a half years. My presence on the list could prevent someone else from being assessed.

Ok, so I can't work at the momwnt and my life kinda collapsed around me but I am not important like other people are so it does not matter if I live or not. (I am not being pesamistic. I have just reached the point where I have stopped trying as the effort to try to cling on is just too great, so I am more drifting through life while waiting to be assessed, but at the same time not wanting to take the place of another who would be more in need then I am...)

I am confused to if I could be on the spectrum or not. I want something to cling to that says "This is you. Yes. You need to be assessed", as I tend to be trying to gather as much information as I can to try to work things out and am being overwealmed with yesses and nos in information so I just don't know where I am!

Sorry. It is just how I think and I am confused.... As in many aays I can say to myself that I share certain traits so I may well be on the spectrum... But then someone says "But allistic people also share some traits"... And also in some ways I can be allistic too so I can't work it out.

All my life I seem to have been some sort of "Inbetween" that is not one thing but not another so I am not thriving but not able to get help either.... Example is I went for years on no income as I was not ill enough and did not know what was happening to me so I could not get help, but I was not feeling well enough to work or sign on to look for work... I hate being an inbetween. I sometimes feel that either I need to be someone who is doing well, or someone who is not. Being an inbetween feels like..... Well, in the past I have tried suicide with the thought that it is a way out in that either I am out of here or I have something to get mw off being an inbetween.... As trying to shift to be out of the inbetween stage does not work.


Sorry. I am trying to express feelings.... And I am not very good at expressing them.

I can't write in the Haven because I am not sure I can answer if someone replies as I don't want to accidently breach Haven rules.

I want a yes or no logic. It is so much easier.... It took me two years to ask a doctor if I could be on the spectrum as I kept getting mindblank, and I wanted a yes or no answer there and then as I was going through a mental logic tick list in trying to work out what is wrong with me.... As 30 years of visiting doctors and finding nothing but knowing I was having many issues is annoying for both the doctors and even more annoying for me! And I don't like the pollava of trying to see doctors because the smells cause me shutdowns, and the stress of the waiting room, and worse still in trying to use the phone where one is getting full on anxiety due to two minutes of the automated messages in Welsh first and then in English... Listening to that and most of the time I put the phone down before it rings the receptionist. (It can take me days to actually phone! Actually sometimes weeks because I give up trying too easily).
But I wanted a yes or a no because I want to know where I stand.... I am in the middle again while I am waiting. I have the middle. The not knowing... The not being eligable for this or that but not thriving and struggling... It is tiring!

Anyway. I am ok. I am alive. I am clinging on... I feel a little lifted in being able to write this because it is better then bottling my thoughts up...
It feels like when I click the "Send" bit that the stress leaves me.... It is like I am casting off the stress onto something else.
Sometimes we need that I think.

Well first of all you are just as important as anyone else and you are entitled to get seen to if you believe you have something going on with you.

Personally I'd tell you to stick with it. Stay on the list and see someone. I'm not sure if a diagnosis will change your situation or not but at least you will know one way or the other and you can tick it off your list.

I got diagnosed as n adult back in 2006 in Sheffield. Before that I was one of those in between people as you call them. I just couldn't get started with my life. I kept trying and failing. I was depressed. Couldn't communicate or relate to people. I was self harming. I was using drugs and alcohol to remedy it all but it didn't really help me. I just wasn't living.

Getting diagnosed was one of the good things to happen to be but only because I knew what the issue was and I could then learn how to manage things in a more acceptable manner. On the other hand I'm not really entitled to much help. There are no benefits for people like me because in not actually seen as needing help by the box tickers so life is still pretty tough.

I'm glad that you felt better when you pressed the submit button anyway and I hope you get the help you need soon.

All the best BB

Thanks.

You are definitely important.

And, as you know, we can't diagnose you. But you clearly have suspicions that you might be on the Spectrum. Personally, when I decided I might be I wanted to KNOW for sure--one way or the other. Doubt would've haunted me for the rest of my life.

Besides which, you've spent two and a half years standing in that queue. That is an investment. If you change your mind and get out of the queue...and then change your mind again you'll have to start over at the end of the queue!

If you get a diagnosis, would it come with any medical advantages in your country?

While you're there in that queue and wondering how much longer you have to wait, I hope you've entertained yourself with:
------Autism Spectrum Quotient Test (AQ)
------Aspie Quiz ^{Registering is optional!}

P.S. I agree with you about the Haven. If I accidentally wander in there I typically try to quietly back out and hope no one noticed me.

All ASD traits are human (and allistic) traits - it's when they all come together to a certain degree that ASD is identified. Let's be generous and say 25% of humans have social issues, 25% have sensory issues, and 25% have "black and white" (logical) thinking... la da da da for other ASD-like traits. 95% of those humans do not have ASD. But then there is this the human who has 75% social issues, 75% sensory, 50% B&W thinking ... and that crosses an ASD threshold. Clearly your sensory issues are debilitating, as well as your anxiety, your post itself demonstrates your desire/need for Logic. It's a Catch-22 that you're not doing much so concluding you don't need help/tools b/c if you had help/tools you'd do more. You've wanted to work - it was not sustainable as things are. Keep your spot. Even if they come out and say "You do not have ASD, you are actually a duck", you will have some additional input. b/c doctors aren't always right either, so even a "yes" or "no" will not be Certain --- although you would certainly be in the same boat as myself and everybody else - but then ducks don't really use boats much although I have seen sea lions jump onto the back of a boat. Of course I could have used the expression of a bandwagon, but that is more directional than a boat which could just be floating about. --- And if you were amused or in any way could relate to my meandering thoughts --- you certainly have ASD.

Thanks both for the replies. Yes, I did get the duck humour! I like to use examples like that though I do find myself relating to train examples if I can as my mind often things in train form! Haha!

I think I am getting impatient.

Mountain Goat, if you turn out to be a duck then if you visit our backyard my bride will feed you cracked corn.

As I type this my bride is feeding three ducks, ten geese, and one rabbit in the yard behind our house. (The ducks and geese both get cracked corn, the bunny has carrots. The squirrels get whatever they can grab.) By the way, there is very little yard behind our house--and it is a very busy place with all those critters churning around!

Oh, and we just got up from the dinner table. She fed me, too, but inside and not cracked corn.

I don't want to leave the pond at the moment as I have already preened my feathers.

The fact that you have these symptoms and are entertaining the Question of Autism ...
Might very well help to understand that you might be happy to
be in qeue for diagnosis . You have a right to know this information i feel . And you have waited llong enough to at least be evaluated . And perhaps the results will give you some long awaited answers.
From observing your history of posts that i have seen for quite sometime . My estimation is that
there is a High probability that you are on Spectrum but i am not a doctor . Your current lack of functionality does not relate to your previous abilities ... Between your upbringing in the way a person grows up . Does not necessarily relate . To the point in life , when they can no longer function.
If you have a regular family and good role models . Your brain made the best of your situation and since noone was there to tell you could not . You could have made the best of your abilities .
If environmental circumstances caused your symptoms to manifest . Then at least you had some time in your life that you did very well.