Still Misreading those close to you?

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My husband and I sometimes get into upsets, usually over me misreading him. The thing is, we've been together for over 16 years, and sometimes I still will not pick up on or outright misread how he is behaving and the intention behind it. He gets confused by this (we are still learning about autism) and we do talk it out. I feel like I will always struggle with this, is this part of autism? I feel stupid because after all this time you'd think I wouldn't misread certain behaviors anymore, and I mean same behaviors that he has done over and over hundreds of times in the past years and I will still get it wrong. Its almost like a blindness on my part, like a "new clean slate" in my head every time and I will outright misinterpret tone of voice or behavior. Sometimes I think I am just very dense. He of course can read me very well. I still have trouble doing the same with him.

ETA: I do often ask him questions about other people I know asking him to kind of interpret what they may be meaning when they do a certain behavior or say a certain thing. Its like color blindness in reading other people or something.

Personally, I tend to be better at reading someone the better I know them, and although I'm not 100% with my immediate family, I'm probably not noticeably worse at reading them than most NTs are at reading family members. I also find that my parents are more likely to misread me than the other way around, whereas my brother is very good at reading me and in fact sometimes translates for me to my parents. (Note: Mom and brother NT, Dad autistic, so this doesn't go by autistic vs NT.) When my parents misread me, it's pretty much always interpreting my behavior as if I was NT, and they've said it's because they're more used to interaction with NTs than autistic people.

I don't have a problem with reading or understanding my boyfriend, and I don't need anyone to "translate" anything. I seem natural with forming a close enough bond with close people where I can think on the same wavelength.

But I'm not affected by the Asperger's in that way. I'm just affected in other ways.

Yes.

Partially because I am not really paying attention.
But when I really do try, I'm mostly right.


It's mostly a two way thing with everyone I've known so far.
Those who are close to me misreads me too and still. They still assume my behaviors and preferences under allistic processing thought.

Thankfully it's under an endearing and sentimental lens instead of suspicious and alienating.

But it is still misreading... Unless I explain to them why I do things, most of their conclusions are still untrue.

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I am open to the unlikely (and will not presume that this 1 is like the previous 99). Like all traits, this is good and bad.

In your case, it's bad that you are not predicting unchanged behavior, but it's good that you would readily adapt to changed behavior.

In my case, it's good when I give a person space to be better and they rise to the occasion (new 1 out of 100). It's bad when a person continues to be abusive (same 99 out of 100) and I remain vulnerable.

That said, I think I tend to interpret things optimistically (or pessimistically) based on my mood or experience. I was in a work meeting and a person said a very inappropriate thing. It didn't compute that he would say that in a professional setting or at all, so I heard an innocuous word that didn't really sense. Later (while ruminating) I figured out myself what he said. It's gone the other way to: somebody says something nice, but I feel bad so I initially hear something bad. My therapist suggests I may have APD. Certainly it does seem my thoughts are WAY ahead of what I am hearing; that I have to "wait" to hear.

Yeah I don't know, I don't understand why it happens. It's not with all situations, but definitely some. Maybe I'm just extra bad with this trait.

yes, this is the heart of autism! Social struggles and communication struggles are 2 of the main ways we are diagnosed with autism.

We have to have both to even be considered for autism diagnosis.


Communication with my husband is the same. After 40 years I still have no idea what he is thinking, what he is motivated by, what his intentions are.

This is down to my autism, my processing in any real time interaction leaves me behind because I am poor at listening or watching for visual cues.
I may see and hear something but by the time impressions and ideas from seeing and hearing get to my brain they may be garbled and distorted from whatever real meaning was intended.

I often have to ask him to explain what he means using different words. I often have to ask for confirmation of my understanding ( I repeat what he said, then say what I thought he meant and ask him if that is correct). He has been extra patient with me now we know of my autism.

So good that you are both working together on this! You may find couple's communication therapy helpful if things get too intense, too often.



I had to have communication coaching/therapy years ago, and that helped me do better at communicating my needs to others, but it is still difficult to understand and respond to needs and meanings of other folks, even ones I am very close to.

Knowing and understanding our autism surely helps figure out better ways to do so many things.