Trouble distinguishing bullying from legit anger?

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I'm wondering if it's an "Aspie thing" or it's been your experience that you have a hard time telling whether someone's negative reaction is due to feeling genuinely p.o.'d by some perceived slight or missed unspoken expectation which you were completely unaware of, i.e. the more "righteous" anger where someone unloads on you for feeling wronged - OR whether their reaction is more perverse, one of "cry wolf" bullying where they concoct a reason to unload on you, or grossly exaggerate something knowingly (expecting that you probably won't pick up on the non-legitimacy).

IME, I've found that the first type of negative reaction, that released "righteous anger" seemingly out of the blue, or "gunnysacking" as some may call it (you'll have to google that term, I won't explain it here) can gradually lead up to the second kind, where the NT person feels that you're a lost cause, you're "not all there" so they might as well have a bit of fun and retribution at your expense trouble is, when they start "crying wolf" like that and engaging in psych warfare, you then have a REALLY hard time unraveling their true mind-state, thoughts and intentions.

And it's this sort of pattern that only compounds our "mind-blindness" that is the main defining attribute of ASD/HFA. We get exposed to apparently random negative reactions, and when we talk about it to a trusted third party, they may say "well, I'm sure they must have had a reason for reacting they way that they did" - by which point things have already entered "stage 2", so they don't need a reason - they just figure you've "used up all your chances" so now they're letting their wrath and other negative sentiments out in a more unpredictable fashion.

Of course, NTs are more "wired" to recognize or even prevent the reactions of Stage 1, before they morph into Stage 2. For the most part, I mean, there's always toxic "Cluster B" personalities i.e. sociopath, narcissist, histrionic or borderline personality disorder... which elude many folks both NT and AS until their mask is off too late.

When it comes to sarcasm and inappropriate mockery, however, this usually tends to be bullying rather than based on a legitimate concern (the righteous anger), unless it's passive-aggressive behaviour.

This predicament reminds me of the serenity prayer: "grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
I especially agree with the last part.

I had to get therapy to understand I was being abused, and to recognize other people's using and abusing me, had to be taught how to recognize manipulation, intimidation, etc and how to set boundaries, also how to healthily become self assertive.
Therapy may help you sort it out too.

My rigid thinking and abused childhood did not allow me to figure it out on my own. I did not understand that I could make choices in how I responded to other people's behavior.

I needed an outsider to help me see wrong ideas, mistaken coping methods that I had learned to survive in my early years, and to help me have better tools to have a healthier and happier life.
It has got better with practice. Therapy saved my life and my sanity. Scary as heck and taking lots of emotional homework but its the best thing I ever did for myself. No shame in asking for help. We don't have to do this alone!

Well, Idk I did get bullied a lot growing up...but I think sometimes they were reacting to me. Like I came off as trying to bully them so they did it out of retaliation. But with my autism and such I probably didn't understand like what I did wrong to upset people.

Not to say all the bullying I got was justified, but when I really look back and think about it. I don't think it was all kids being mean just to be mean, some of them where probably reacting to thinking I was being mean.