It gets very annoying to pretend to be someone I am not

Post Reply New Topic

Some things I do is socially acceptable, and I try to hide my symptoms of ASD, but it gets very annoying after while for pretend to be someone I am not.

Ways I pretend to be normal:

* Lying
* Manipulating
* Trying to act charming, but my charm is limited due to my lack of social-emotional respiratory

Last edited by FranzOren on 27 Dec 2021, 12:32 am, edited 1 time in total.

I kind of gave up on fitting in 100% almost two decades ago When in doubt, I usually just aim to be extremely polite, sometimes to the point of formality. I don't have to lie as much, it's harder to offend people and there's fewer social cues I have to track.

It was a long time before I heard of the concept of "fitting in." I've always tended to see people as individuals rather than as homogenous groups that have a consensus about laying expectations on others. I know these things exist, but if I get problems because of them, my first resort would be to look for cracks in their uniformity and to try to find members of the group who weren't quite sold on the "unwritten rules." Either that or keep away from the whole pack of them.

As for pretending to be what I'm not, well apart from hiding what I really think and feel when I expect being too open and blunt would do too much harm, I tend not to. I expect it's possible to adopt a false persona and become quite popular, but I can't seem to actively do that. I'm not a particularly nasty or offensive person, I like sharing ideas, experiences, hopes and skills with people who are interested, I like co-operation and companionship. If that's not enough then it's a shame, but that's the only way I've ever gone. If it's not genuine, I'm not interested.

It's hard to try to be what you're not. Like I can remember trying to follow in certain people's footsteps when I was younger. People who at the time I believed to be loved. It was obviously because I felt unloved that I did this and not because I felt different because of Autism or aspergers.

But you can't do this because it's not who you are and people won't love you just because you behave like someone who they do love. They'll either love you for who you are or they just won't love you at all.

I actually wasted a lot of years because of this trying to be what I'm not and it didn't even work.

It's easier to just be who you are no matter who or what that is and you'll find that you'll be OK in the end.

I tried to pretend to be normal, and it didn't work well.

Pre-diagnosis, I spent way too much time trying to be "normal," with some success, but it was exhausting at times. Post-diagnosis, I don't bother trying to be something I'm not. I accept who I am and work within my limitations instead of pretending my limitations don't exist.

I agree.

I don't mask. I don't pretend to be anything. I'm just me. I may hold back things. I guess some might consider that lying by omission. But everybody is entitled to maintain a sense of privacy.

I agree.

Some people expect me to act like them just to please them.

I think that's one of the hard parts. Even if you don't try to blend in so much, people still have expectations. Or you can be quiet, and polite, and they think they have some special attach to you because you don't bring drama into their life. Really, you don't care. You're just trying to get through every day. I find much of what I do to be polite and keep a barrier ends up attracting (the wrong) people.

Unfortunately, when you're less polite, you tend to get in trouble.

It all seems exhausting, just to different degrees.

I agree.

I've know many people who just expect me to be what they expected. It's not just an autistic thing either. Most NT people probably feel the same. Everywhere you go you're expected to meet normal expectations. Your personality does not matter, nobody cares. I've got many not-so-close friends who like me enough but don't know the real me. I was so used to being not understood, when I found people who actually wanted to understand me I was suspicious of their motive. What helped me a lot was not aiming for popularity and not really caring. I stood my ground and don't change my behavior for others. I only want to attract the right kind of friends. I know I have the ability to act and make friends with just about anybody, but it's too much work.

It's hypocritical for me to say this but I'd love to have some "normal" friends. Absolutely ordinary people who behave as expected. Nobody seems to fit once you get to know them, though.

Absolutely this.

I agree.

Someone once told me if you don't fit in find your own flock.
I have my little flock now.
All black sheep but I like it that way.

It's interesting.