I'm Not Feeling Great (Meltdown?)

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f**k it.. I'll just say it.. I'm losing my mind and life is becoming overbearing in the sharpest of ways.

I'm in nonstop severe physical and psychological pain. I'm tired. I'm beyond escapism, the methods of distraction no longer holds substance strong enough to numb me out anymore. Besides that, being numb is a stairway to not caring anymore, in regards to mortality. I care, but the benefits of the ultimate peace is too alluring. I'm just venting. I'm tired beyond repair.

Hey SandWitch, How are you feeling this morning?

I got up at 6am to see what the cats were doing, Chez was pretending to be asleep outside my bedroom door, stretching out, arching her back vying for attention as per usual and as soon as she's had enough strokies she's like 'Enough! wheres my god damn Dreamies!'. When we got to the kitchen i was just about to dish out the treats when i hear Maooow, Maooow Brrrraooooooow! from the other side of the kitchen door. The look on Chez's face was priceless, she was all ready to tuck right in to her tasty treats when I swung the door open and in bounced cat #2, aka Couscous; Chez's arch nemesis. 'Good morning Couscous'. Soaking wet from all the rain last night, he marched right over to the treats and wolfed them down in a flash leaving Chez reeling. Here we go I thought, now working quickly to manage the fallout; 2 x bowls of crunchies plus 2 x Felix and extra Dreamies for Chez once Couscous disappeared up the stairs.

Cats now successfully processed, time for a coffee and back to my lovely warm bed, except when I got there a certain wet someone had beaten me too it, aaaarggghhh!

Seriously though, dont go too hard on yourself if you can manage it. I have the odd meltdown and when I do, i cant think straight and my actions are usually far from rational. Well done for sharing your problem tough and give yourself some time today to iron out your thoughts. Maybe a walk outside, switch on some chilled beats or even death metal if thats what you need.

I'll be busy cleaning muddy cat stains from my bedding!

Good morning.

kuze

Life can indeed be s**t sometimes. It's unlikely to stay that way indefinitely though.
Get some rest and do something which makes you happy. This will pass.

Thank you. I loved reading about your morning. The name of your cats are so unique and adorable. I wish I could have pets were I live, but they are not allowed. It sucks because I'm eligible for getting a support animal, but I just moved recently for the third time, this year and a safer neighborhood and new city closer to family is comforting.

I shouldn't isolate to this extent, but I've been extremely agoraphobic and am yet to do my laundry, since moving in, be it I have many cloths (too much cloths; I should donate and perhaps go shopping for a new style.. but I've gained wieght that I plan on losing, so I kind of don't wanna shop for "big" cloths, if in a few months they won't fit anyways)..

I've been obsessed with taking screen shots of numerical coincidences that I see on my phone screen, whilst browsing different apps.. the comment sections are my favorite.. the numbers always align in frequency.

Usually, at this point I take off to hospital for "down time" and medication adjustments.. but my last psychiatric hold was a severly traumatic and abusive experience by staff and patient alike, ganging up on me with threats to my life.

They broke hippa laws, dislosing and joking about what they had on my file, openly shared to other staff and patients whom had already wished death on me, heightening their mental badgering of their hatred for me.

It didn't help that they hadn't my Autism, PTSD or Bipolar diagnosis' on their records; hence my isolative fear-driven social repulsion had unfortunately formed, in the minds of the entire unit; severely misinterpretated false conclusive narratives (created by patients and entertained by staff, egging them on..) about who and what I was as a person.

I was deemed a "burn-out" junkie, despite never having done heroin or any hardcore drugs in my life, alongside a personal morbid fear of needles..

With that said, adding validity to their false assumptions and accusations; I had bloodwork done, resulting in needle marks on my arm, from my initial entrance phase at the main hospital, having had my blood taken for analysis, prior to being sanctioned on a 72 hour hold.

I'd developed a nasty rash that developed from my skin allergy to medical adhesive tape.. (I assume they concluded as "track-marks") Again, my allergies on record were not forewarded to the mental health pavillion, prior to my involuntary sanctioned stay, that followed my "white-coat syndromed" meltdown.

They gave me Haldol, to calm me down (A drug I'm deathly allergic to, hence wasn't on their records, almost killing me), after having blacked out in fury, I finally snapped and commited an almost-fatal choke-hold on another patient whom was the main catalyst to stirring up all of the rumors and taunting; resulting in most of the accusations against me, adding more heaviness on the potential of me being assaulted and murdered myself; given what was said by staff and patients. I honestly believed that I wasn't making it out of there alive, I had nothing to loss..

Being considered a "junkie-burnout" is (for some reason) a very common misconception that I've endured in the mental health systems my entire life, prior to and now it seems, even after my Autism diagnosis', that the mental ward hadn't on record.

Due to my stimming, muscle/body/verbal tics and eye contact deviations:

I also was (for the first time in my life) labled a "racist", a "white devil", "red faced demon", "bad cop".. "dirty piggy".. It didn't help, having had been the racial minority in a place full of people that I mortally feared not due to the color of their skin, but on the sole basis that I was sent to the "acute" unit (an experience I was indeed shocked by, never having been sanctioned there before).

All previous stays I had were in the safer "adult unit", but was taken to "acute" unit, instead, due to apparent "bed shortages"..

It was a "prison-like" environment, in hindsight with a well known reputation of murders being commited by extremely violent people, so yes:

I feared everyone equally, I'm not racist in any way (ironically, my dating preferences, in regards to my dating history, strickly consist of black men my sexual preference), but to deny being racist was a form of admitting truth to their already cemented belief system that I was indeed one; a "cracker that needed my head cracked"..

Hence, I never left my "room", locked-in the literal equivalent of a dirty jail-like cell in 100% heat and no ventilation. My kidneys were also shutting down, as warned by a doctor, to "drink more water".. whom left me there to die, afterwards..

(Also, someone pissed on my bed before my arrival.. a great invite suggestive of what was to come..)

Apparently, also what made me a "racist", was through the irony of being deemed one by being judged myself, simply by the color of my skin and occording to the baldness of my againg head; sporting an unfortunate mustache and goatee adding to the racist "cop" aesthetic.

Therefore, they'd concluded I a racist, during a racially charged time in America that continues till this day; it only fueled the anger and death wishes by both staff and patients alike towards myself.

Also, for some reason the act of secluding myself, unless prompted by staff to take meds.. which consequently perpetuated another grossly false narrative that I was also a "pervert", due to my poorly timed eye deviations and verbal ticks around two female staff (despite my well documented aromantic sexual preferences for men; again something that they hadn't on record, my "homoromantic" asexuality, which would've prevented these horridly soul crushing false accusations that resulted in further harassment and threats to my life by both male and female staff, and not to mention the harrasment from female and male patients...

Adding more fire to the flames, on record, what they had for my diagnosis' were "gender dysphoria" (correct), "anxiety" and "depression" (symptoms of my PTSD and Bipolar Disorder diagnosis' that was not on record)... and NOTHING ELSE!!

Adding another layer of harrasment against me, I was deemed a sexual deviant and predator, by default through their ignorance within transphobia, being called a "He-She" and called "female names", being accosted and bullied by staff and patients in unity.. good fun..

This hospital stay didn't help me.. it broke me and months later, I'm still plagued by the PTSD that resulted..

It has f****d me up mentally, very much so.. royally even.. like never before..

Staff also stoled things from my belongings, once I'd finally escaped with my life with a discharge..

They planned out a means of having patients kill me on staff's behalf, before my discharge as retribution.. I overheard them say that they would wait until the "job was done", then they'd call security to clean up my remains and "play dumb" as to what had occured to evade responsibility.. the power dynamics were horrifying, used in this way.

They omitted to faking suicides of patients before, that they'd do it again to me (in between shift changes and out of sight from cameras)..

It was like a horror film.. I honestly thought I would die there, by brutal murder.. and no one would question why, given my history of suicidal tendencies.. (they said this.. they knew I could hear them.. why would they do that?.. they wanted to have their "fun" with me?.. breaking me down to a sweaty, dehydrated mess from literally sh*****g myself out of fear in it's purest most concentrated form.

Thus, I even forced myself to drink my own urine as I was that scared to leave my room, as they promised to "blade me" in the single shower and toilet room shared by all patients (I have IBS and gasteric hernias;again, another condition not on their records, making me seem utterly "homeless" and "junkie-like", fueled from extreme heat exhaustion and relentless fear of being assaulted and murdered; fueling more-so their abuse)..

I want to sue for medical malpractive, hippa violations etc.. I wish I knew were to turn to for legal advice.. I pray there isn't a timed limitation legally to sue as that experience broke me..

No, it f*****g destroyed me: the taunting, the gawking, the gaslighting, the threats of violence and murder against me.. the promises of "don't worry, we got pictures of him (male staff took pictures of me, when I'd take my covid mask off, and scoured my phone for doxxing purposes that they'd fulfilled, right before my discharge).. stating "we got pictures and his location; if we don't get him in here, we'll find him out there and finish the job."

Given the way my mind works, I don't forget anything.. I remember everything.. I wish I could forget.. but the damage is done.. I have night terrors and paranoid thoughts from their promises to "take me out" and "don't worry about missing our chance here, our guys will follow him home"..

Patients there were affilated with the same gang that some of the staff were apart of.. it doesn't help in soothing the rational side of my thinking process'..

I'm extremely "vanilla", not a bone in my spine.. I apparently broke machismo "street codes" and am in nonstop fear of their retaliation efforts to find, torture and kill me..

Holy s**t.. that's it! That's what's driving me mad; this new trauma.. I need help, legally and mental health-wise, as they've broken me and I can't trust hospitals at any capacity to treat my current meltdowns and suicidality.. because that trust has been violated.. I've been violated.. my sense of self and purpose obliterated..

Thank you all for helping reach this clarity to the root of what's causing my current spiral..

Last edited by SandWitch on 20 Sep 2021, 3:46 am, edited 3 times in total.

I appreciate your kind words and optimistism.. truly.. but, I've been struggling like this on and off during the majority of my life..

Not to mention, my new revelations of why I am mentally where I am, as of late, due to an extreme new trauma that I've done my best to block out but to no avail, doesn't but make me feel more hopeless..

It's not passing.. video games, music, internet browsing, eating, smoking weed, drinking.. nothing helps..

Hi SandWitch, thank you for taking the time to explain the difficulties you are going through you poor thing. I dont see what their problem is at that hospital. I mean whats a near death choke-hold between friends? Just what were they expecting? a charm school prefect? Seriously though, hospital staff should be more sensitive to others needs.

Anyway well done with your enlightenment, oh and you never said what music you jam, ok, ok I'm actually going to guess who your favourite band is oo er er hmmm. . . .is it 1D? Wait, it IS IS'NT IT? Now dont be shy. . .

kuze

Lol... ya, a neardeath chockhold between friends.. something like that.

And I'm not a "poor thing".. I can't tell if your being genuine or simply trolling me.. but I digress..

I did though get some retribution, in a dream where I'd stabbed him to death in the face, with a shank that I had hiding beneath my pillow of which I made out of multiple plastic sporks tied together..

It was relieving in my dream, but not so much waking up from.. night terrors suck..

What initiated my meltdown, where I chokeheld the piece of s**t to near death that occured in real life; I never felt so riled up and having such an extreme black out in anger moment to such fruosity..

I completely lost it, and looking back I wish I would've killed him, because I was in a complete pyschotic episode from extreme sleep deprivation, dehydration, and shock, i was livid for legitimate reasons.. he reminded me of every bully I've ever grown up with combined..

His blood on my hands would've been worth it, given my current mental state now; because I truly don't care anymore.. suicide is comforting, the idea brings me peace in yearning for permanent loss of consciousness.. and out of defeat... he won, in the end.. that entire ward of pyschos, staff especially.. they got what they wanted.. and shit-talker; he was so smug and had the most punchable face.. I wish I'd killed him..

That sociopath was calling me all kinds of names and wouldn't stop.. they didn't call the cops, despite it being was on video. That they'd erased because it clearly showed one staff member initiating and setting up the entire altercation, until his desired fruition.

That staff member enjoyed every second of it.. there's no decency or humane treatment in mental health care facilities, in the U.S. I guess historically, there's never been.. so, it makes sense.

Side-note: it's a slippery slope when becoming "institutionalized".. they started me in childhood, mental wards and medication and misdiagnosis' galore..

It's never been about curing, but simply a temporary crutch to numb you out, under the guise of "treatment", but truly just perpetuating new symptoms with drugs and outdated therapy structured methods for the insurance money; nothing more,, resulging in false hope and failed expectations..

They need to do better screenings of hospital pysche ward techs and staff.. they can be quite sadistic; I've dealt with sadistic staff before, but never to this extent, it's not just in the movies..

But, what am I to expect from American constructs that blend medicine, healthcare and capitalism together?.. it's not a good mix.. had I no insurance, especially good insurance, they wouldn't have committed me involuntarily for having a mere bad reaction to a medication that their outpatient therapy center prescribed me, instead I would've been told to go home..


But ya, I actually don't care for K-pop.. I pick favorites by genres, not individual artists.. there are too many to choose from.

What makes you think I like 1D?.. oh wait lmao, their not k-pop.. I got confused with that that one k-pop band that's insanely popular, right now.. because 1D split up years ago, so I don't understand why you brought them up... I don't like mainstream music to be honest.. I rather hate it, very much so.

My top favs.. to name a few: Erykah Badu, Nina Symone, Chet Baker.. low-fi anything.. music that bumps and is loud enough to stop my mind from thinking; my favorite genres are determined by the mood I'm in.

Alot of indie artists.. techno and house.. but ya.. that's it..

It was hard to read it. I don't know how it looks where you live but I would seek some patient laws organisation. That's horrible crime!
A side note about the junkie thing - for some reason, teachers in HS believed I was doing drugs. I mean, now I know why - one day super-bright, the other day not aware of my surroundings - but this curious misinterpretation of autistic phases may be more widespread.

Your experiences, sound absolutely Aweful ..Can say , that , i have experiences similiar situations.
On a large scale . Its extremely hard on a human mind,, am so sorry you had to live through that.
i do not think your situation is entirely limited to just you . These people have been getting away with this type of activity . For longer than i know. You might think that seeking out help for emergency mental health conditions . Has from my point of veiw. Become very toxic to the person seeking or supposably being served. People in crises, or differently abled can and do become targets for
Others in general under many suposably legally controlled circumstances .

It seems this is becoming very common place for persons whom maybe in less than ideal situations .
These dire circumstances appear to run up and down the scale of persons that are in places of power even from school boards to local governments ,to community groups , hospital wards.
Judges, prosecuetors offices , public defenders. Cannot blame you for your reactions in my opinion
during your stay..It is amazing that many more persons have not gone the route you chose during your incarceration under the guise of being provided mental health help . Am glad you survived .

Hey SandWitch, lol seeing as you had such a crazy time at hospital, rather than smother you with a ton of empathy I just wanted to make you smile, even for a couple of seconds. I hear what you say about the hospital staff, I mean these are the same guys they just gave a pay rise to in the uk! I knew you wouldn't like 1D so was just pullin ya leg, however I do love that Jazz you talkin. I like a lot of Blue Note stuff old and new; Donald Byrd, Ike Quebec and the darker stuff from Mingus's 'Black Saint and the Sinner Lady' song 'Solo Dancer A' to Robert Glasper's 'Black Radio'.

kuze

[/quote]Holy s**t.. that's it! That's what's driving me mad; this new trauma.. I need help, legally and mental health-wise, as they've broken me and I can't trust hospitals at any capacity to treat my current meltdowns and suicidality.. because that trust has been violated.. I've been violated.. my sense of self and purpose obliterated.[/quote]

Hey SandWitch, how are you doing? I had a few sherbets last night after a bad day yesterday. Heads a bit fuzzy this am but this cup of tea is helping (cant do coffee after booze). Already processed a few emails for work, now got Couscous stretched out on the bed, damn he's like 100cm long when he does that. We got him from a rescue centre last year because we thought Chez was lonely. Oh did that backfire! The thing is, Couscous (2yo) was a former house cat and Chez (8 yo) was an urban stray. Couscous was quite sensitive when we got him but Chez did not care less bout that, being from the 'street' and all. Every time Couscous went over to Chez for a friendly sniff Chez would give a low growl and give him a double-tap across his head with her sharpened tools of destruction!

Nowadays Couscous is way more confident. We live in a semi-rural area and his first summer here was like boot camp. To begin he would catch mice and rats and the odd small bird but by the end of the summer small rabbits were the hunters choice. Chez who was already a seasoned hunter would find her own way to give him marks out of 10, such as stealing less of his treats. This summer Couscous ramped up his ambitions and caught some huge rabbits. You can always tell when he's caught a big one because he always looks absolutely knackered and sleeps for 16 hours after. Sounds gruesome but he's also quite an accomplished butcher, sometimes all we find is a pair of rabbit trousers in the garden. At least theres a purpose to his hunting.


Anyway I was just reading back through your posts and wondered if its worth writing a letter/email or two to the medical services that diagnosed your conditions, to ask them to share your medical data with the local hospitals in your area. When you next go to the hospital for help, this could enable the staff to instantly understand your background. We all assume that doctors and hospitals share our info anyway but experience tells me thats just not the case, sometimes we have to intervene.

kuze

Thanks Kuze, I think I'm finally settling in the rabbithole I was placed in, it's just more concrete now, and less fluid in my brain, unfortunately..

Everyday since i escaped with my life but not my peace of mind, 24/7 all i can think about is what I went through.. reliving it and changing the outcomes in my head, but no avail in relief, just more frustration because I want to find these people that contributed to this trauma, I remember their faces vividly, the hurtful things they did and said.. the terrorizing of my mind.. I remember their voices and I want them tortured and killed slowly, but those are just fantasies, because I there's no way to locate them, despite them knowing what I look like, remote access to my phone, who and where I am. It's not fair..

The most disturbing thing is that they ommitted to staging suicides to patients before, when i overheard them talking about extending my stay there to finish me off, intentionally out of sight from the one camera on their unit (one camera that doesnt face any of the rooms or just facing the nurses station?

I can only think of how many people have died at their hands under the same stress and abuse, covered up and telling unknowing family memebers "they killed themselves"

Family: "damn.. that's expected i guess.. nothing suspicious here.."

I was demoralized for life... this moment in time won't ever leave me.. I'm blood-hungry with rage..

Being incorrectly deemed an evil dangerous person, a dirty lowlife junkie, a tranny "he-she", a dirty ex-cop, a "racist"... ! "white devil", a "pink-skinned demon", and a threat to the female staff (despite me being a sex-repulsed, flaming queer person who isn't attracted to women..)

I guess being a "masculine queer" made them believe I was a cis heterosexual man and my eye deviations equaled dangerous tranny "pervert" in their minds, because I didn't adhere to their effeminate expectations, during my mental health crisis..: "Yasss Qween! Hunty!! ! BISHH!! Gurrrll!!", with the body language of a street hooker.

But of course, im sure they also didnt have my sexual orientation correct on file either.. would've saved me from a lot of abuse and internalizing all that was said and done to me for the rest of my life.

Everyday, I now live with multiple EXTREME fears and complexes: "is this how everyone sees me?".. should I be femme 100% of the time?"

"Do I appear like I'm a drug addict or a creepy pervert to those around me, due to my body language/eye-deviations that I have no control over?"

"Welp, time to layer-up, ten-fold on bullet proof masking techniques, causing me more suffering, walking on egg-shells all the time, afraid to slip up and get attacked"..

f**k my life..

(Anyways thanks for trying to lift my spirits during the lowest time of my life with your fun banter about your cat and such.)

Thank you, kindly for your input.

But yes, I survived in their, but back in the real world I'm not surving, just existing; what they took from; my dignity and peace of mind (not worrying about getting adbucted, or killed in my home or in public) constantly stressed about how to "disguise myself", as if I'm some king pin criminal, with a sea of enemies looking to murder me.

Thanks for your feedback.

I wish I knew where to look for a patient advocate to help me navigate and understand my options for legal retribution.. help in finding a disability rights lawyer to get at least financial justice, and in court be able to write down the names of at least the staff that contributed to voilating me.

So many federal laws were broken.. I just need a lawyer to help me, because I habe an incredibly strong case, just not the assistance in getting it started.

Anyone who knows an organization specializing in this kind of lawsuits, plegarse send me links to contact them.

Have you tried calling a distress line? They might be able to refer you to services for free legal advice, or local associations that can help. Or free mental health resources. Also look for local government services. In Canada, we can call 311 to get contact information for all kinds of help. But I think you are in the US… American people might be better able to help in that regard.

I am appalled at the treatment you were given when you sought help from the mental health system. My ex, who was trans, had a similar experience when she ended up in an American psychiatric hospital. They can be so dangerous, in some cases. I feel for you. It is so unjust.

Good for you for figuring out the root cause of your present dysphoric state. The more you can get clear about the mechanics of your problem, the better position you will be in to seek help, or help yourself. You seem very intelligent and rational. Perhaps spend some time researching psychology and figuring out how you can help yourself. It is possible to make good progress by yourself if you can’t find anyone you trust to help, especially if you stays away from drugs or self-delusion IMO.

I wish you the best of luck in healing from this trauma. It is possible to make progress, especially when you walk in the light of the truth. Justice is on your side. Please be patient with yourself and protect yourself while you heal. God bless!

Thank you for your input and time invested in reading this old thread, from when it began to where I am now with things.

I truly appreciate it and your efforts in relating to me had your ex who "was" (you writing that in past tense, assuming they've died; my condolences.. or if you meant you just are no longer together, I hope they they are doing well and your breakup wasn't on bad terms) understanding and sharing your own experiences with me means alot.. knowing I'm not alone in the specifics of this trauma.

With that said, I'm pursuing resources nearby that can hopefully aid me in filing and pursuing a medical malpractice/abuse case against those responsible; specializing in helping those of us whom are victimized and targeted due to their disabilities and health conditions; specifically I found an organization that helps those on the spectrum, a population often overlooked, and help to advocate for me, on my behalf in morecways than one

There is a light at the end of this tunnel; it's just gonna take time to get closer to it.

Thanks for the well wishes.

I'm doing my best to move on, whilst pursuing legal justice.

And yes, I'm stuck in the U.S.... a country where reaching for help during a meltdown means getting shot, tortured or killed by authorities in the medical and legal sectors of public "service"; opposite of what my tax dollars are supposed to be spent on:

"Helping me, not to be subjected to mental-torment whilst incarcerated against my will; and treated worse than a criminal, as a means of getting their (mental-ward "techs", nurses, security etc) short-term entertainment needs meet, at the expense of my life-long sense of safety, sanity and well-being, having been mostly obliterated.

My trust in seeking help from those whom I am lead to believe that I can indeed trust, has been muddled in hesitative internalized chaos and fear.

No longer, do I respect nor trust Drs, nurses, medical staff at face value.. they're pure evil, behind that fake smile and tone of voice; they're bottom line is getting paid, not to help, unless having helped a patient was coincidental; of course, they'll take all the credit to further their careers.

It'll take years of continuing expensive therapy and support groups to get me through this.. but I will..

And if there is are Gods, they'll see me through and get me the legal justice and financial reperations that I deserve.

I'm no longer to be the rug to their boot.. no more..

New year, new me.