Scared Of Dating.

Post Reply New Topic

This is a strange one as it also ties in with prosopragnosia when it comes to asking for a date and also there is the inability to know the difference between a lady flirting or just being nice. (I can't ask. I wait, and wait, and wait and wait and by the time I am sure enough to work out that she does like me more than being nice it is usually a year or three later and it is too late.. ).

I read on another thread something which someone said in reply and it is what I do in that I have said "No" because it is easier than saying "Yes" and less stressful and even though the person was beautiful, I would walk away to avoid the initial anxiety.

Then on rare occasions I have dated people I have been comfortable with.
My first girlfriend was when I was in my mid 30's, and she did the asking out and she basically took over and all I had to do was to turn up. It lasted about six to eight months. No sex as I want to save that for marriage but we got very close. Broke up due to her. I didn't know she was dating others at the same time. She was excellent at lieing and decieving. Found out after what was around four months that her sister let it slip up that she was going through a devorce. (I never knew. I was going to break up but I had already fallen deeply in love. When she eventually broke up with me she did not tell me so I was suddenly left without any contact. She did a cruel thing to me by having me take a loan out for a vehicle I did not want and I ended up thousands in debt with no vehicle as I just could not keep it as emotionally driving it hurt. (Had to give it up as I was a cross between angry and suicidal when driving it due to the emotions but I did not find out why she had ended it until a good six months to a year later when someone who had not seen me who knew that we were going to get married (She was having the dress made etc) happened to say to me how he had seen her being extremely passionate with another man... A man who was her families "Lodger" and who looked odd at me when he once saw me kiss her... Turns out he was having a relationship with her at the same time and he didn't know about me!)

Anyway... Second girlfriend came via an internet chat site I was on and she had been long distance dating an American guy but she believed he was two timing her (Not sure if it was true or not as I was occasionally speaking to the guy as well and he was a decent guy and said to me he was not dating another as it was just good friends, and I told her that at the time but she did not trust him.
She later asked me out as we got along well and had been chatting online for a couple of years. I think I said something like "No one would date me" and she said "I would" and it went from there. She was on the spectrum. Where I first was puzzled when I met her as we lived other sides of the country (Not quite but a fair distance) so I met her and some of her family as they came down here for a holiday on a few occasions, but I was not ready to commit to marriage and somehow though she was a stunner in every way especially her kind heart, but somehow deep inside I knew she was not for me? I lost what was then my very best friend. The autism spectrum side puzzled me in that I shared most (But not all) of what she said were traits as I kept asking her what autism was (Aspergers) and I could see her son (Autism) was effected but I could not see she was any different to me and how I did things. (Didn't realize that I might be on the spectrum and still not sure).
Anyway...
What I am trying to say is that while I may seem brave on the inside and I have done the occasional brave thing, like when I met another since then and happened to (Due to prosopragnosia) go and ask the wrong lady into my car as we were due to meet and I was going to show her the area in my car but in front of this other rather puzzled ladies husband I went to open the door for her to get in and was wondering why she seemed to be puzzled...Wrong lady! Oops! I did find the right lady after and we had a lovely time driving backwards down country lanes (Another opps as I got my country lanes confused when I tried to take a shortcut. Turned the car forwards and followed more lanes and ended up back where we started again. Oops! Drove the long way round then using the big roads just incase! )

Somehow I am single. Others have been puzzled with this. How come I am single?

1. I rarely ever ask as my past attempts of asking have got me in trouble. Women can be very nasty to a young man who asks and does not realize they may already be dating etc and to a man who does not know how to read a ladies body language to work out if she is being nice or flirting. Missed out on many who I describe to my Mum to find out they could not have made their flirting more obvious!

2. Too scared to ask.

3. Effected by past when let down with the first GF.

4. Also effected by a past experience of faceblindness when at the age of 16 I went to meet for a date and was standing right next to this shy girl for well over half an hour (45 minutes?) and I did not know it was her!
After 45 minutes I cycled home assuming she had not turned up. Her friend the next day asked me why I stood her up. She wanted nothing to do with me. I refused to date incase I hurt another until when in my mid 30's the first girlfriend convinced me I should date so I really thank her for that! I had said no to many ladies in the past who asked me for a date incase I messed up.

Anyway... I do not know if I am on the spectrum or not, but I do know this dating thing is not easy. I do not know how others can date many girls? How do they do it? I don't get it! I just hide! Haha!

Not saying this for any purpose. Just saying that I can imagine how difficult it is for those who know they are on the spectrum. (I don't know yet as I have not been assessed yet).

"This is a strange one as it also ties in with prosopragnosia when it comes to asking for a date and also there is the inability to know the difference between a lady flirting or just being nice."

Look, I'm going to tell you a secret.

A woman's willingness to date you *changes* when you ask her out.

If you have not asked or at least asked for her phone number, then she is most likely at her default state, which is uninterested. The *act* of asking her changes that default state.

It can change in two directions, up or down. Down, she is less interested. Up, she is more interested.

So with the vast majority of women, the only way to ever get an up, to get her interested, is to ask.

If you sit around waiting for an up signal, waiting for interest, well, you'll be waiting for years.

Let me use an analogy. You have a lightbulb in your light socket. It is off. You want to know if it works.
Instead of flipping the switch, you wait to see if it turns on by itself "If it turns on," you tell yourself, "I'll know it works and I won't have to flip the switch."

"Why not flip the switch?" a friend asks.

"What if I flip the switch and the bulb doesn't turn on? I'm afraid of that. I don't want a burned-out bulb. So I'm going to sit here until the bulb lets me know if it works or not. Then I'll flip the switch."

Not all bulbs work, but you still have to flip the switch to turn on the bulb.

Thanks for the reply. I was just sharing past experiences as someone mentioned something which made sense.

What you mentioned about asking ladies out. I do not understand why but though I have been as polite and respectful as I can, somehow it did not work and occasionally I had responses rather hostile? My only guess is that mybe they already had a partner? I must have asked a good 15 girls out in my life at a guess.

I always had problems in dating and searching for a wife to call my own. I had only two dates in High School and they were with the same girl. In college I fared a little better. When I graduated from college and found employment, searching for a future bride became a more serious endevour. After my last breakup (with a girl I dated for 2 years), I decided that I didn't really understand dating (and probably never would).

As a result, I took an entirely different approach. I started by making a very detailed list for what I wanted in a girl. Then I began my search. Eventually I found a girl on the other side of the world, a girl who didn't even speak my language. After corresponding with her for a year, I traveled to the other side of the world and stayed with her and her family for 6 weeks. At the end, I proposed to her. Well she didn't say yes and she didn't say no. She said that if I could bring her to America she would marry me. It was an impossible task because she lived behind the IRON CURTAIN. But nothing is impossible if you set your mind to it. It took me a year, I was able to bring her to the states and we married. That was over 45 years ago and she has been the best wife in the world to me.

When you look at the odds, it is important to realize that the population of humans in the world are about half male and half female. So the odds of finding someone to become my bride were very high. One just needs to know where to look.