I am at a loss...

Post Reply New Topic

My mother makes me want to hurt her...but since that would be wrong....I have developed a lot of self injurious behaviors over the years. I am not allowed to appear to be anything but happy in front of her. Obviously I stay in trouble most of the time. Apparently I should be happy because she buys me things. Things I never even ask for. She grounds me every other day for the most illogical of reasons....I was recently grounded for a week because I forgot to put the dishes away after I dried them....maybe that truly was wrong of me,I dont know...but I digress..Today she yelled at me for over an hour because she is sick of me. It seems I am the worst person in the world.She said that I was stupid....and weird. She wants a "normal" teenager.She is tired of the way I act. I am an embarassment because I am quite and like to dress comfortably. Aparently I am disrespectful because of the things I say. She goes on and on about wanting honesty...but the only time I don't get in trouble or called stupid is when I lie. I lack manners because of the things I DON'T say. Apparently I know have to greet every random person that she drags into our home. I have to smile even when I am not happy. I have to wave and talk to people I do not even know...because they are adults and that is what you are supposed to do....regardless of how uncomfortable it may make you feel. She threatened to put me out because I am "weird". She said that if I don't change...this may be my last week here. That she has found somewhere for me to go so that she no longer has to deal with me. I am no longer allowed to listen to music. She has decided to throw away all my favorit clothing because she simply does not wish to see them anymore. Everything I do gets me screamed at or worse. I am tired of it all. She makes me want to die. My sister is very annoying...my mother tells her to shut up daily. She screams directly in my ear and I tell her to "please shut up!! !". What do you think happens? I get slapped and told to never speak to her child that way. I don't understand. And I don't understand why I have to act a certain way all the time...or why I need to talk to her friends....or ANYTHING she says. I find serious flaw with in her logic. What I need is a way to cope that doesn't involve me bleeding or punching a hole in my wall. Any suggestions?

Well, have you told her all this? Does she understand that human beings are not normally happy 100% of the time?

Your situation sounds very much like what Iwent through in my childhood and with my mother. I am sorry that you have to go through such hell.

I know how you feel because I also wanted to either die or to become invisible when I lived with my parets. My father was ever worst cause he beat me regularly to 'cure' me from any autistic physica behavior I exhibited. So, yeah I know what you go through.

If it might be a comfort to you I want to share with you some of the things I realized when at the age of 45 realized that all I went through in my childhood was because of Asperger's. I did not know until about a year ago. but once I did it explained a lot.

If you have Asperger's it is very likely that your mother and sister have that too.

Your mother's reactions are what one could call normal for an Aspie woman who did not realize what it means to have kids and who are now in your life and disturbing your routines, your plans, the perfection you seek. Imagine yourself having your sister and your mother as your daughters.

It is an unfortunate situation because you are each disturbing the imaginary perfection and perceived order and routine of each other. Because your mom is the adult she gets to have more say but she is also the one who has to provide for the two of you. So, there are no winners here.

One thing that could work is to sit down all three of you and make a very tight and fair plan or schedule, a list of rules that everyone has to acept and follow. Each will be able to have 3 things the other 2 absolutely MUST do for you, 3 things that you MUST to do for the other 2, and 1 day a week that you can do what ever you like.

Talk with your mom and sistr and see if you can get them to sit down and make this list with you. That way each will have a say and each will have a day off. It's just an idea but it might help the 3 of you to live more comfortably together.

Star

wow. sounds bad.

my mum does some of those things but i can tell shes really trying not to.
just the other day she bitched at me because i did not eat some weird looking soup thats as thick as puke and has a dead bird in it. (chicken but i saw the rest of the dead bird so...) she claims i asked for her to make it, and she put all this time and effort into it.
now i dont know why but she thinks i really like certain foods like pan cakes. i hate pan cakes. but she makes them and when she does she acts like shes doing such a nice thing for me so i have to pretend to like them. i give them to the dog, he likes them.
she knows i dont like a lot of foods but always wants me to try dif food. i hate it i tell her i dont want to try it and i dont care if i would like it. one time i asked for apples and oranges, so she gets me bananas and says i asked for 'fruit' in general. so i explained how i asked for apples and oranges, and then she gets me peaches. i swear shes doing that on purpose.
she knows i cant read ppl good so i dont know if ppl r joking or not. so now anytime she gets reallllllllllll mad at me, i act like shes joking. i mean, who would act like that and be serious? it works because its makes it impossible for her to take her anger out on me.
oh and i get the 'whats wrong with you?' and 'are you ret*d?' a lot.
things seem unfair to me too. i have to do lil bits of work around the house sometimes and i dont get paid. my mum says my brother does this all the time... but he gets paid. i have to do it because of the fact he always does it, and i dont get paid. so in actuality i end up doing a lot for the reason i dont do enough... paradox. i also get blamed for everything 'we are out of milk' 'oh matt drank it all' when i know i didnt. i used to think maybe i drank or ate more then i thought, so i did an experiment. i simply did not drink any milk for like a week, i didnt eat any of the lil snacks or anything. there is no way i ate more of them then i though, if i ate none at all. anyways they still all disappeared and i still got blamed. i found out later my brother does things like take an entire sleeve of crackers to his room.
i think there is just something about aspies that make us an easy outlet for anger and blame.
oh a while ago my mum was trying to loose weight and then started bitching at me about how much i eat and how im going to get fat. the fact i did not believe her nor care if i get fat, made her very mad. every time i eat something, shed go on and on about how im going to get fat. i dont know that dr phill bs, but i think shes projecting her own concerns about her weight onto me. but then one time my sister was over when she did this, and my sister explained to my mum that i dont eat meals, i eat little things. my mum said i do it all day and night, but i dont because i dont even start eating until the afternoon or around super time. so i was in fact, not over eating.

I dont know how old you are,could you tell us?

Your situation sounds very similar to mine.I'm 43 now and had no knowledge of AS(nor did my parents when I was growing up).There perception of my AS traits were that I was intentionally being rude.If I tried to explain my actions in a logical way,I was told to "stop talking back".If I accidently dropped a glass and it broke,I was told I was being careless.I didnt understand why she didnt "get" that the glass was slippery,it was an accident and yelling wasn't going to unbrake the glass.Whenever I did some chore,she would find fault with it,it was never "good enough".Shopping for cloths was a nightmare becuase she picked out "pink girly things I hated and were uncomfortable.I swear she believed I was "rejecting them" to hurt her.She would never believe me if I said something tasted,smelled or felt bad to me......my senses and my cryng when I was overwhelmed were always explained as....."my trying to get attention,being spoiled,etc.".As a teen,I did leaarn to tell lies that I knew she wanted to hear....that I had talked t some people at lunch and was making friends,etc.

I was also a cutter and had some fairly paranoid thoughts.I believed that she "hid" my things,just so she could yell at me when I couldnt find them.I always felt I was walking on eggshells waiting for her to start yelling about something.At night I could hear her complaining to my dad about what a bad person I was.....At 16,she told him to come to me and tell me that either she was going to leave him or I had to leave the house.They wanted to make me go to a church school in another state,I told them I would just run away.(I doubt I would have had the nerve but they seemed to believe me).Instead,they paid my boyfriends sister to let me live in their basement.My relationship with him ended shortly after I had moved in there and the sister and her husband were never there.I had complete freedom but was completely lonely and that's when I began drinking to be able to be around other kids.I was used sexually by guys I thought liked me and felt even more like crap,etc,etc.

I'm not going to tell you the whole psychwards,suicide attempts,more sex.Lets jusst say it was a pretty tough year.I do know this situation is a nightmare for an aspie.(living with my mom and living without any help to learn self-care stuff).I dont know if you have a DX for AS or if your mom actually understands or excepts it.My mom still doesnt believe there is anything "wrong" with me other then cronic laziness.(Inspite of the fact that I have been working or going to college for the past 25 years doing very hard manual labor and crap jobs for crap pay,while she her-self used to spend afternoons stuffing her face with "turttle candies and reading romance novels.....OK,thats not fair,she raised 4 kids,shopped and cooked and "trained" me to clean because she hated it )

We have a better relationship now if we dont spend to much time together.She has stopped critisizing everything I say and do,but I can tell it is hard for her.She still wants to fix me and is so focused on my "faults" that she cant see anything positive in me.Even whe she kicked me out...I had never been in trouble in school,got A's and B's and didnt drink or drug.

Anyway,what is her suggestion of where you would go live?Maybe you need to call her bluff?Maybe it actually would be a better place to live then with her hostility?I can understand why you might be afraid of a change(I always am)but I really wish I had gone to that church school.I think I would have gotten a better education then the public school I was in,it wasnt like they liked me there anyway.If she threatens you with some kind of "youth program"find out about it,maybe it wouldnt be as bad as you think.I worked in one that had kids from 14-18,for 8 years and it wasnt to bad.I probably would have liked it more than living with my mom or by myself.If you have AS,you might even be able to get accomidations(privacy a special advocate who understands AS)


Just trying to say....how she is treating you is killing you inside and you should try and get away if you can find a safe place to go.Let us know how it goes.I care,I relate a bit to much and hate to see someone else goingin through this kind of hell.

GEE, You sound NICE! Frankly, if you were HALF as good as you sound, I would LOVE to have you as a daughter! She should be HAPPY! And forgetting to do a simple chore? EVERYONE must forget at some point, and her punishment is EXCESSIVE! Have you tried catching her in a good mood when you two are alone, and discussing it?

BTW PLEASE don't punish YOURSELF!

There may be some STUPID reason why she reacts this way. She COULD, however, simply not believe you understand, and expect more from you simply because she feels you could do better and she has lofty beliefs of what kids do. Some kids don't even do chores, and others get an allowance.

For music, maybe you can discuss the mutual benefits of an IPOD like device or something. YOU could listen to the music. It wouldn't bother her. YOU will find work more enjoyable, and be bothered less by her. WIN/WIN!

As for the unasked gifts you get, you seem to imply that they are unwanted. I know the feeling. HECK, even at work they will get things for me to eat for lunch because they keep me there, and they KNEW I wouldn't eat just anything. You know what I USED to do???? *****STARVE*****! NOW, I eat early, or leave anyway.

Be assured, that MANY have similar problems, whether they are NT or not. MOST don't punish themselves though. My mother called me stupid a few times, and sometimes it was for something that was smart! She slapped me at least once. My father has yelled at me, etc... It was rare that I could talk to them around that time. When all was said and done though, they BRAGGED about me! They were ecstatic that I was as nice as I was. Some of the best things they said about me I heard from OTHERS.

GOD, So many people have loud, greedy, stupid brats, and you sound like the exact opposite. EVERYONE is going to act stupid sometime, and even some smart things may appear stupid at first. She sounds LUCKY!

As for the greeting of people. Yeah, I had to do that also. Maybe you can just say hi and go about your business.

BTW Truth be known!? One reason I moved to the other side of the continent was to make it harder for them to come to my home. And I am almost 3 times as old as you!

Thank you all for your replies. I am not diagnosed with Asperger's. I do,however,strongly feel that I have it. Some ppl have questioned me as to whether or not I did(do).

Webert:No,I have not. I have tried but she either ignores me completely or screams for me to shut up and stop talking back....which makes no sense...how,exactly,does 1 get 1's point across if they are not allowed to respond?

Star:Thanks but my mom is def. NT. My sister MAY be HFA(too soon to tell though as she is merely 3.). That wouldn''t work. She(my mom) would likely become hostile(or much more so).


matt271:I get blamed for things I've SEEN her do(my mom).



krex:16...or 15. Take your pick(long story).That's my problem. I also cut. And I punch walls...and I bite my hands until they bleed. She has seem me do that and laughed and called me ret*d.


2ukenkerl:Nice name. Thanks,but I suck. I mean I MUST. But I am not allowed to listen to music at ALL. She took my MP3player.

Man that sounds terrible, and I think my mom's bad for getting mad at me going to Starbucks with money stolen from her room... I'm so sorry for you with your mom calling you a ret*d, that's horrid... Someday you will move out and have your own life and you can forget all about that nonsense...

Sorry to hear that you're having this terrible experience. Your mother sounds a lot like mine!

My mother also used to discipline and beat me, quite severly, for not being 'happy' or 'normal'. She knew that I had learning difficulties and some autistic traits as she had worked for years in childcare so she knew what was and wan't NT behaviour for a child, and she saw that I missed some developmental milestones that one would expect in an NT child.

I left at 16 after completing m GCSEs to go to a further education college to study for A-levels. It was difficult, but I had to get out and it was one of the best things I ever did.

Is there any way you could leave home soon? I know it is hard at 16, and I have problems looking after myself because of my AS (which didn't get diagnosed until I was 24!) and my learning difficulties, but it was still worth the effort for me because I just had to escape for the sake of my safety and wellbeing.

I self-harm too - since I was about 12. I have been trying to stop for years. I still self-harm, although a lot less than I used to. I am hoping that I will be able to stop completely one day.

Good luck, I wish you well.

Please speak with your doctor. Tell him/her that your Mother may need help.

Ed Almos

I had similar problems with my mom. Your mom keeps harping on normality, but for her to always put you down is not normal behaviour for a mother. It's possible she's jealous of your freedom. Maybe she just needs a life, if she is paying so much attention to the way you dress and can yell at you for an hour straight. Does she have any other outlets for her frustrations with her life (it's HER fault if she's unhappy with you; not yours!)?
Just keep in mind that in a couple years, you'll be able to move out. This was always a comfort to me. Start thinking about which colleges you might want to go to, or what kind of work you'll want to support yourself with. Then take steps to make it happen. Do some research, and see if you can save money. A part-time job will also give you more time away from home. Good luck!

This reminds me so much of the situation I found myself in also when growing up.
Of course, it wasn't all bad, but it had the same impact in that I resorted to self injurous behaviour to deal with my anger and feelings about it all.
I was always nagged at for wearing my baggy jog pants every day or for not dressing well as a little girl, and compared to other girls of my age etc.
I do not know what to suggest really as for me, it didn't resolve until I stopped living with my mother.
She couldnt deal with my 'bad/dirty habits' and my weirdness, and I couldn't deal with her put downs, comparisons and at times, controlling ways.

blackcat,

THANKS!

The way you communicate on here, choice of avatars, problems you have, and just that picture I got of you in the cafeteria holding your ears and stuttering because of all the noise, etc... makes you seem like a nice girl that goes through a lot even though she shouldn't have to, and is nice and subjected to a lot. In spite of that, you had a boyfriend too.

You said that even your friends have seen you do some things that seem stupid and, when they called you on it, said they thought you were smart, even though they acknowleged the stupidity. As I said earlier, NOBODY assesses intelligence perfectly, some overuse the term, and NOBODY always acts smart, so you shouldn't be hurt by that.

Keep that, and the fact that things like stims are often stigmatized, and that she may be feeling VERY bad, etc... in mind. As I said, my OWN mother has called me stupid, and slapped me. Granted, that isn't as bad as ret*d, but it was close enough for ME.

I myself have been through enough to know some of the reasons she might be dong this to you. FEW have any thing to do with reasonable things you fail at. It may be because she sees the problems you two have, because she doesn't want to take care of both of you, because you weren't wanted, because SHE has emotional problems, or just thinks it isn't fair.

Did you mean she is deaf? Do you communicate through sign?

In any event, I'm pretty sure you are being WAY to hard on yourself.

BTW it sounds like you have EVERY symptom of AS, and it is even a bit debilitating for you. HECK, you even scored an almost perfect score on RDOS. You might be the only one to come that close. I think any doctor that says you don't have AS should have his head examined. I don't say that to be insulting to you. In fact, it is a bit of a compliment. I'm just saying that your mother shouldn't doubt it, if that is one of your "excuses".

My parents actually went out of their way to destroy any hope of a career that I might have. My unemployment at the age of thirty is a direct result of what they did. For as long as I can remember, this person I am supposed to call my mother has actually pushed me down the path towards suicide. Not only was she ashamed that I was not like every other kid, I was made to compensate for what she did not have, and to help hold up a difficult marriage. My father shows many signs of autism (although he will not admit it) and I have the misfortune of looking like him. If you cannot get through to the man, many a woman has sought to punish the son. My needs in life were never considered, only hers were important. She fractured my existence repeatedly without a moment’s hesitation for she has always believed that I was a broken person anyway.

What sort of person would behave with such callous disregard for another human being?

Ahhh… but you will now want to call me ungrateful for this person raised me and gives me a place to live still. What sort of monster am I to hate someone who has given me so much? It is Hamlet’s problem: hurting her degrades me so that whatever revenge I might extract renders my life meaningless anyway. The answer to this obscene riddle is that I would prefer to die but I cannot bring myself to do it.

It goes beyond yelling and sharp words. Many parents hurt their autistic child to blame them for the burden of autism. Our birth is to blame and I tend to agree. If only someone had the good sense to have asked me whether I wanted to be born before I came to this world, I would have said no. But it was not my choice.

So you see, you are not alone in having these “parental issues”. Nor should you be ashamed of your anger. Many people are not fit to be parents and it is usually the least qualified ones who seek the mantle of parenthood. Do not buy into the filial piety/perfect family crap. I did for thirty years and ended up as an invalid with nothing to show for it.