Was I in love with an Aspergers woman? Help!

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I am a neurotypical male in my mid thirties, I have a younger half brother with Aspergers, and have become reasonably familiar with some of the great many symptoms and behaviour patterns associated with the syndrome. I recently came out of a relationship with a woman, similar to my own age whom I strongly suspect displays symptoms of Aspergers, and am desparate to know if this may be the case. I will briefly outline the course of events that lead me to this suspicion.
Our relationship began in a very whirlwind fashion, I was quite swept off my feet by early promises of undying love and devotion, and have never experienced such a rapid 'falling in love' on both parts, I will readily admit that at the time I was very wanting of a relationship, and allowed myself to be perhaps too Gung Ho, feeling more like a teenager in love than I did when I was one!
Initially I would be told over and over, whispered into my ear, how fantastically perfect I was, showered with compliments, affection and sexual advances. This behaviour, in hindsight foolishly led me to think I had met someone with whom a lasting, loving relationship would be forged.
Very quickly, in fact within weeks, cracks started to appear, and after three months we had gone from this early 'honeymoon' state, to an altogether sad and unhealthy place. Any level of physical intimacy was gone, even a gentle hug would be recoiled from, and the idea of sex or kissing was met with revulsion, resulting in her making very extreme remarks such as 'I would rather clean a toilet with my tongue than think about sex', as you might imagine this was very hurtful to me, and although I tried to be gentle and understanding, (indeed her loss of libido was something she had agreed to seek psycho-sexual counselling for) it was very upsetting and caused me great concern. At this point she still claimed to love me, however a general meanness of spirit became her day to day behaviour, almost like a defence mechanism in that it might ward off the risk of intimacy. My efforts in trying to get her to empathise with my feelings were futile, and would be met with more distance growing between us. Eventually, after she said some particularly mean things to me one night after she got drunk, I wrote to her as a desparate measure to try and show how I felt, that I loved her, that I was worried about her and what was happening between us, my letter remained unread beyond the first page, something which later would lead to something of a watershed row. In public I began to notice how much she would cause embarrassment by being seemingly unaware of how her behaviour impacted on a social group, examples of this go from the banal, like simply being over-bearingly loud or childishly enthusiastic, to the extreme, like making overt sexual gestures and / or references to virtual strangers (some of which are so weird I won't say here what they were) in situations like drinks in a pub or a meal in a restaurant, causing many a raised eyebrow amongst our company, to which she would appear oblivious.
This outward 'flirtation' for want of a better word in public, and complete lack of any warmth or intimacy in private, as you might imagine caused me growing unhappiness and confusion, especially as she still claimed love for me. She might send me an erotic picture of herself performing virtually naked by text, then the very same night express revulsion at any thought of physical intimacy, very odd mixed messages, almost like a simultaneous want and yet hatred of something greatly feared.
Her 'normality' in other areas of life made me not suspect Aspergers' might be responsible, she was highly organised and a successful self employed artist, intelligent and well read, athletic, numerate and literate. In others, such as complete fear of intimacy, obsessive compulsive behaviours such as nail biting and great resistance to any change in her established routines, inabilty to receive criticism however well intended, lack of empathy and inability to read social situations, her behaviour seems typically Aspergers. Indeed, her elder brother has been diagnosed with the syndrome, and although genetic links are tenuous, it cannot but raise my suspicions further. I learnt from mutual friends after we had split, a very painful and nasty end from which I am still recovering - that this is a pattern in all her previous relationships, and other former partners have too experienced strikingly similar behaviour - ie - an initial, but very brief period of almost overwhelming affection (perhaps from desperation?), followed by a rapid breakdown of trust leading to a recoiling from any form of physical and emotional intimacy and ending up in bizarre, cruel and spiteful acts almost as a sub-conscious 'pushing away' of the person she has allowed intimacy with.
A female friend of hers first suggested to me that she suspected some form of Autism from her own experience of working with her, and when she said it, many things that just seemed cruel and twisted to me began to make sense. This in turn made me feel guilty that perhaps I had been in-sensitive towards her, but in the midst of what felt increasingly just like sheer meanness, and still actually being in love and trying to be as patient and gentle as I might I eventually reached the end of my emotional tether, I said some awful things when drunk which I do not want to justify, but I simply felt thoroughly neglected and later wrote her a long letter outlining how rotten I felt, suggesting some positive actions we might take to improve our relationship, such as spending time apart and taking counselling with Relate. We did visit Relate, after splitting, and for two sessions she barely said anything, I could see it was very painful for her, and I think this lifted the lid on many things she had buried for a long time, for this I feel a deep sorrow, and can only hope that in time she may confront her very complex issues be they related to Aspergers or not, and move forward in life, being able to enter into a lasting, loving and trusting relationship. At our third booked session at Relate, for whatever reason she didn't turn up. This upset me greatly as I did (and still do) feel love for, and care about her, even though she quite unequivocally stated that her love for me 'had died'. In the wake of her not making our appointment, I wrote her a very vitriolic e-mail out of sheer frustration and I admit anger, which I greatly regret as since there has been no communication at all between us, and in a relatively small community with lots of mutual friends, that's very painful, especially when you still care for somebody and wish there was something you could do to help them, but you can't.
I am fairly certain her behaviour falls somewhere in the autism spectrum, I may of course, be wrong, without her participation I cannot expect a certain diagnosis. I'd be most grateful to hear from anyone out there who has shared similar experiences would assist me in the process of healing myself, forgiving her, and letting go from what I can only describe as an intense and very painful relationship, hence any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

She could have AS or more likely BPD because of the black/white all good or all bad thinking called splitting which is the hallmark of BPD.

Borderline Personality Disorder
Within the area of personality psychology, splitting is a cognitive error that is considered the hallmark of borderline personality disorder. It is characterized by the propensity to either completely idealize or completely devalue other people, places, ideas, or objects; that is, to see them as either all good or all bad. [1] Anecdotally, persons and professionals experiencing this behavior in those on the borderline spectrum who see someone or something as all bad refer to that object as having been "split black", while someone or something seen as all good has been "split white".

There are SOME aspects of SOME of her actions that SEEM like they MIGHT be autistic, but that isn't quite enough.

Frankly, outside of the other saying autism was expected earlier, I would say FORGET IT!

She sounds more like the extreme example of a tease, someone that hates you, or possibly wants to seem straight or affectionate to you without being so. I have seen that kind of behaviour happen a lot. Some very famous couples have been like that. The idea that she views sex so dirty that she would actually prefer cleaning a toilet with her toungue. Some here hate sex in a similar manner, but I doubt they would go so far as to say THAT!

If I were you, I would just leave.

BTW If she WAS autistic, that would certainly not mean that she was necessarily AS.

That's the first thing I thought as well. I was originally diagnosed with BPD, during a stay in a hospital for a few days, but things were really bad during that time and thinking back on it, a lot of things really didn't ring true at the time. They just kind of pushed me through with a diagnosis I guess so a therapist would have a direction to go with it. Recently, my therapist said there is no way I have BPD, but did comment that autism in some females (HFA in my case) often can look similar to BPD at a glance, and the fact of some childhood trauma, he said, just added to winding up with that diagnosis.

The 2 key things he said I lacked were abandonment issues and the rapid emotions. I would prefer to be alone, whereas someone with BPD would generally be counting the minutes their S.O. is gone, or would fear they will not return-retaliating at times by pushing them away or just detaching altogether, threatening self-harm, or being overly clingy when they come back. As far as rapid emotions, I guess he said some things that were off-base intentionally to see how I would react, and I just sat there, or I actually responded by trying to logically explain them, rather than be set off by them... and as someone else said already, on days someone is "good", they tend to love that person a lot and show it very well... on days someone has done something hurtful or questionable, they generally show a lot of disgust for the person.

I'm not saying all people with BPD are like that, or people with autism cannot be, I can only say from my personal experience in talking a lot with people who have BPD vs. what I am like.

Hmm, well from what I recall from reading the Tony Attwood books on Aspergers, Aspies can think in black and white as well and that came up in a debate that once came up on another forum about bpd versus aspergers, so that sort of thinking really isn't confined just to those with bpd. I have also heard of a few people diagnosed with both bpd and aspergers...afterall, one is neurological and the other is generally a result of issues during early years, therefore not mutually exclusive.

To me, this woman sounds as if she is BPD and NOT autistic. An autistic woman would usually be either somewhat averse to touch all the time or maybe a bit more affectionate than most much of the time.

This is a very sad story and as much as it would hurt, the best thing to do is cut this woman off all together. She is unlikely to ever change and it's only going to cause more hurt and heartache to keep trying to get her back.

Most aspie women are NOT like this one. There are sure to be many more women who wouldn't be so horrid and manipulative and who would not play the kind of "head games" this one did.

I agree that it sounds more like BPD than AS. You don't get that kind of "polarity" switching the way you do with BPD. As someone mentioned, if she had AS, she would either have problems with a physical relationship (possibly related to sensory problems), or she wouldn't.

Last edited by LostInSpace on 08 Aug 2007, 7:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

Exactly, I just think she must have been a nasty and manipulative type of person.

Yes. I agree completely.
jonah, when a woman starts to treat you so badly - get out while you can. Don't stick around for more, because you are sure to get it.

Or that.

Jonah, you deserve much better for yourself than this virago!

Heck, Hitler deserves better.

My first thought was BPD as a few others said, as well as a few other things. She sounds terribly screwed up psychologically. She might be AS, but she doesn't particularly sound like it. What things in specific make you think she's AS, besides her obvious lack of empathy?

And I wouldn't necessarily say Aspies have lack of empathy - it would be more to the point that we have trouble showing empathy.

In light of what it could be AS is pretty low on the list. There are many more likely possibilities, BPD is only one of them. I'm not sure she a label will help her at the moment she would benefit more from a good psychologist.

Or a knock on the head.

I hope that I don't catch a lot of flack for this, but it's my opinion, so here goes: Let's say for sake of argument that this woman has a form of mild autism. Having a disability of any sort does not excuse mean, ugly, hurtful behavior. All kinds of people are here on this board that have AS, that would never treat anyone that way. I know that you may be looking for answers as to why she treated you so badly, but she may just be a manipulative, mean person, no matter what her disability, or condition may be. To me, it would be like excusing a person in a wheelchair for purposely running someone over on the street by saying that ""the poor dear was just in a hurry, he's in a wheelchair, so that must be so inconvenient for him."