It is too hard

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I know I have made many threads on here but I was always way too scared to look at the responses. All throughout elementary, middle and HS I was verbally and physically bullied. Experienced some online bullying. I am both frozen and shut down. It is hard to express myself anywhere at all. I am a truly a traumatized human: all through family, friends, and relationship partners. But I still try anyway. For any kind of release and freedom. Anyone really stuck like me? I am unemployed and plan to keep it that way. SSI will help me. My family doesn’t understand what I go through at all, they keep saying people’a perceptions are all in my head and everybody is good to each other, I need to exercise and meditate a lot they say, my family is fed up with me and they will die soon. They are getting old.

My family also tells me I am lazy and not motivated. That is not true. I am just pained and traumatized and don’t know what to do next.

They have had highly successful careers and travelled the whole world. They don’t really know how hard I have if. I have been in my own cacoon for years.

I don't blame you. I've become very cynical because of my horrible experiences at school/work etc. I didn't receive much physical bullying but I was pretty much always an outcast. I believe most people are indeed evil. If you are somewhat different and cannot fit in with them, you are a target for bullying. I do have a job but I feel it's impossible to find a workplace where I am accepted. So I can truly understand your not wanting to work.