Aspie Process of PTSD ...slight*trigger warning*

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ok so i experienced about 3 events that i'd count as ptsd....the hardest one, mom dying, second was my molestation/rape as a kid, and third was i almost drowned at about 8, ever since then, i've had an unrelenting craving to see people struggle underwater. it's usually a strong male because i don't like to see "helpless people" in that situation. Example would be an antagonist or protagonist being trapped in a sinking ship or something. i don't them to die, but i repeat watching the struggle. And it's something so mesmerizing about the way water changes your appearance underwater and how the eyes have almost a white jello look. after 30 plus years, i'm sharing this haha.
as for as the CSA, it was more of a manipulation than force. And after that, I was a little pervert! I was always wanted to interact sexually and be naked around older people and toys because i felt like it was an expression of love. i always did feel a bit of shame too though and often got caught by mom. but my point is, i became obsessed with being wanted and overpowered by older men . I never had actual sex so sex never crossed my mind. it's the attention and what i call the "friendly monster". and i'm not saying this for pity, i'm trying to get an understand about processing the preoccupied obsession. I would be on my bed trying to fight of hands grabbing me. i'm trying to look at it from aspie angle because my mental health drs seem to keep it in a neuro-typical view and i don't always feel the connection. we establish the trauma but not the non-emotional behavior
so can anyone relate? Could it be i'm using triggers as a stim?? do you think theres a connection to aspi-ness or is it most likely trauma? or am i completely batty?? i'm open to all imput

wow, that's a lot to process. I think you have a good start on self understanding from your post here, but this is something that is way beyond the board's ability to help.

You need a professional who specializes in trauma to help you figure out where you go from here.
They can help you sort it out and help you take steps toward healing and insights.

You are a survivor in every way. Reaching out and asking questions like this is amazing courage and it sounds like you are ready to do the emotional homework at this point in your life. Cheering you on. You are worthy of finding peace, self understanding, and self forgiveness.

There are a variety of ideas that can come to be fixated. The intensity of trauma and the pleasures of sexual association can both in their way fixate fantasies and imagery.

The whole Trans phenomena is representative of the harm these fixations can produce. It is a mystery to me why so many people encourage those who need real help down a road where 50% will attempt suicide.

One key to untangling fixations is to understand what they are and see them as the psychological tumors. While perhaps not as easy to cure with surgery, neglect and the cold light of truth can do wonders to diminish their influence.

theres a clear link between the last 2 of your traumatic events and the 2 preoccupations.

Maybe the autism turns those into stims or obsessions. Juuuust guessing!! tho

yeah i wouldnt expect an NT to develop the water fascination to the degree you have it. Even if they almost drowned.

yeah that seems really 'deep'
its not actually unpleasant to yourself when you're thinking of water related things?