Pretending To Be Normal

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Back when I was into the dating scene; a girl asked me "what was I hiding?. I told her "I was being honest, I'm not hiding anything" I didn't realize it then but I was unconsciously hiding that I had mild autism and she picked up on it. I was pretending to be normal. Do you slip into the "normal" mode unconsciously without realizing you've done so?

Probably do too much, but just difficult to stop

So are you implying a developed auto - masking sense ?
It would depend on the degree of intrainment you may have developed at a earlier age . In order to achieve coping mechanisms for yourself . Generally there can be influences in a young persons life , if they are sufficiently advanced to (understand pain/ no pain) , versus (fight or flight) mechanisms ? possibly ? And how concious you are of your surroundings ? maybe too.? And this might vary up and down the spectrum ?.

completely. i, like many if not most others, definitely have a sort of underlying fear of looking stupid or being made fun of. so the pretending to be normal, or masking, kicks in like almost a survival instinct.

we aren't the first and won't be the last to ask the question on how to stop caring what other people think. i don't think there's any one right answer, either- but i think once we make a little progress on that, we'll stop instinctively masking.

of course, i think it's worth pointing out that that kind of unmasking requires certain privileges that not everyone has, and so you certainly need to use your own genuine safety as a guider, but, if you're in an environment where the only "threat" is that of looking foolish... maybe that's a threat worth tackling head on.

that's just my two cents, at least- obligatory disclaimer that none of this is fact and it's just my thoughts/experiences, yada yada yada. regardless, i hope you find yourself having to pretend a little less often!

I don't mask that much. I'm sort of myself at work. The only time I mask is when someone says something that I call one of my "forbidden words" (words that have triggered me to get angry) and I have to pretend like it doesn't bother me and just respond appropriately. I do know my social boundaries.

The only time I need to mask more is out in public, because I feel the rules are even "stricter" around strangers. In public you're not supposed to show any sort of emotion if you're an adult, otherwise you will get funny looks. You've got to suit the standards of thousands of strangers and be "calm and cool" if you don't want to be in the spotlight. So you have to dress presentably, look positive and confident, not express feelings too much if at all, and overall be a clone of everyone else. It can be hard and also tiring. NTs love judging people they don't know, more than they would their friends and family.

Since I didn't know I was an Aspie until around 5 years ago when I hit 69 years old, I WAS NOT HIDING ANYTHING. You cannot hide something that you do not know.

The key point is that many NTs can spot an Aspie within less then a minute. They do this by eye contact. When I talk to someone I do not look them directly into their eyes. I do not do EYE TO EYE contact. NTs automatically perceive a person who does not do EYE TO EYE contact as false and dishonest.

I have tested this by wearing special reflective eyeglasses, an was astonished that NTs would come up to me and begin casual conversations with me. I WAS TREATED DIFFERENTLY when they could no longer see my eyes.

I make normal eye contact.

Today is not that day to pretend to be normal......issues...issues..issues...

Two things: First, it seems, from a logic common sense perspective, that the first thing NTs assume about someone who averts eye contact in conversation is that they're very timid, basfhul, skittish, insecure, etc. Many, if not most, conversations in day to day life are predicated on either social enjoyment/entertainment or non-crucial information exchange. Therefore, the premise of honesty and trustworthyness are way down the list. For example if a woman in the gym locker room starts small talk with me, and I avert eye contact, she's not going to think, "Hmmm, this woman is a liar and can't be trusted." Instead, she's going to think, "Hmmm, this woman is really, really shy, awkward and totally lacking self-confidence."

Even though I'm clinically diagnosed autistic, I still can't wrap my head around why some Autists would avoid eye contact IN A CONVERSATION (I don't mean passing people on the street or inside a buildingor some one-second interaction like having a door held open for them or being asked the time), being that gaze aversion signals vulnerability, insecurity, easily being bullied and/or giving control of the interaction entirely to the other person.

Years prior to my diagnosis, I was inside a business establishment interfacing with an employee. He refused eye contact whether he was talking or I was talking. My first, and ONLY, assumption ab out him was that he was extremely bashful and insecure. The concept of honesty didn't even cross my mind.

I fully understand that for some, holding eye contact WHILE listening muddles up focus. I also understand that for some, holding eye contact WHILE speaking is difficult due to distraction. In fact, I myself need to avert gaze quite a bit while going into deep explanations or story telling (though I make a point to every so often come back to that person's eyes).

BUT, when it's time to listen, I do hold eye contact. I also make eye contact in brief back and forth interactions. I'm not trying to establish honesty. I'm establishing confidence, control, and in some cases, assertiveness and dominance. This is so important for women, what with all the predators out there. If I want to tell a neighbor her dog barks too much, I need to give good strong eye contact rather than come off as skittish and mousy. A man comes into my house to do a repair? You'd better believe there will be good eye contact.

The other issue is that it seems that the propensity to challenge or ignore social norms is inversely proportional to the Autist's level of masking.

I generally can make eye contact when it's important but holding it for too long is like a danger meter in a video game rising and I have to stop for a sec. Usually I just let my eyes go where they want to go, like sometimes I'll be talking to someone and my eyes are 'stuck' staring into the distance, and I don't force them to look at the person. Also sometimes I just don't want to. The thought that I was being perceived never really occurred to me besides 'i assume the norm is to look at their eyes but I don't feel like it right now'

How can you even hide what you are bad at?
It would be like the bad singer who hides that he/she isn't good at it and then sings very well.
It sounds strange to me.
How can you hide your difficulties?

I guess masking is more like this: a person trying to sing with more power than he/she really should and therefore only hurt the voice.
I guess masking is more like that.

Well, I suppose it does take some social adeptness and social imagination to be able to mask.

Probably. I find masking very difficult.

Don't really see the downside.

I don't. It just comes natural to me, so there must be some sort of social adeptness in me somewhere.
In fact I don't mask that much, I don't think.

Someone give an example of masking and I'll see if I do that.

im quite socially clueless but i seem to mask at work when i interact with the public all day
you would barely notice im autistic if you got on to my bus