Negative Thoughts

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I've been having some trouble regulating some emotions and thoughts lately. For those of you who are going to suggest that I get some professional help right now, it's not in my plans just yet. Right now, I just need a completely safe space to discuss my emotions.

For the past few months, I've been having a difficult time regulating my emotions. I relapsed into a dangerous addiction (not drugs) that I had successfully quit for almost 6 months. When I told my closest friend about it roughly a month ago because she insisted I tell her what I was doing, she said that she didn't like it and that I was to quit immediately or she would call a meeting to get me help. I chose to quit. Now she's treating me differently and she even swears to God that she doesn't care if I die and that if I cry at her funeral, God will take all my family. Hearing this made me feel very sad and depressed. When I think about what she said, I sometimes cry and I feel like there's nothing to live for.

My dad casually mentioned to me in a conversation that I need to make friends because he will die someday and I need a solid support system. I almost immediately started bursting into tears which he was not expecting and he began asking me about my feelings. I am the type of person who keeps to herself and doesn't like opening up to people. The truth is though, I have no close friends and according to my friend, I need to focus more on my family and preparing for their inevitable death.

This sometimes makes me feel like maybe I should die before my family so I don't have to face the pain of planning and attending funerals. Sure it would be hard for them to see me die, but they're much older than me and therefore wouldn't have to feel sad for as many years as I will when they die. I always chicken out though on death, which I suppose is a good thing. I just cry it out for awhile and try to forget my thoughts.

I know people usually freak out by the "s" word (suicide) and it's many variations by demanding people get help or go to support groups or call a hotline right now, then isolate them when they don't immediately do what they say. I see this as a major problem. Suicidal thoughts come and go, but regardless are very scary. I hope everyone on here agrees that we need a safe place to discuss our feelings without being shamed for not immediately calling a hotline. Does anyone else have any similar experiences with this?

Usually people describe it being a lot harder to lose a child then to lose a parent.

Unless something unusual happens and there is no guarantee it won’t you probably still have a lot of years left with your parents.

What you can do now is start to familiarize yourself with their finances, subscriptions, prescriptions. Where are their important documents such as birth certificates etc located? You have to nudge them to prepare and let you know where these are and how they work, so when time comes it is not as difficult for you and your siblings. These things won’t be easy for you or them to talk about. There natural inclination will be to protect you from these realities. This is not a one day project. Do it a little bit at a time.

Suicide can seem like a rational option simply because it seems to offer an end to difficulties. This can seem even more attractive if one has not much experience overcoming difficulties.

You sound like a person that could offer much to someone else. You might also be able to receive much from someone else. That you are close with your family sounds like you are able to achieve closeness with someone. The biggest problem might be meeting someone with whom you could grow close and spend the rest of your life thankful you didn't exercise the suicide option.

In a world that has grown to accept casual fornication, it can be difficult to find someone with whom you would be compatible who is also available. You might have to consider hundreds before finding someone compatible. Traditionally bars and churches were the two ways to meet people. Overseas penpals might be a way to cultivate friendships that, if they go bad, at least are remote.

The thing is that I live with my parents because they sold me the house. That being said, I am very well aware of the finances and what not. My mother is disabled so I've been having to coordinate her prescriptions for years. This is part of what makes it so much harder for me. My parents and grandmother are all I have left. Once they die, I fear I will have no one to love me. This is a very large burden on my shoulders. I'm just not sure what to do. I don't even walk around the neighborhood by myself because my dad thinks I might be kidnapped by someone because of my small stature. I know I can do as I please now that I'm grownup, but I always respect his wishes so he doesn't worry about me too much.