Mad at my Friend

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Hello, I am writing here now because I am really mad at my friend. You see a few weeks ago, I told my close friend about a very dangerous habit I had that I was doing. She got a little upset and said that if I don't stop immediately, she will call a meeting and so forth. I agreed right away to stop. Then, she kept getting sick. Ear infections, flu, etc. and her family was sick too. She wrote to me and basically tried to blame me for her and her family's illnesses. She said that she talked to her brother who is a priest who told her that someone close to her was bringing her negative energy, which led her to believe that I was making her sick. We still remained friends, but since then she's been a bit distant with me. We go out together on our lunch break at work, but we used to see each other almost every Sunday at the Y for exercises together and we used to talk a lot at night. Now, she doesn't like to talk at night and she keeps saying she doesn't want to see me on Sundays, only at work. Well, today she told me we didn't have work in person on Monday, but we do. I sent the Email to her for proof and she said okay well, I can't go. I'm busy. I asked her why and she wouldn't tell me. I reminded her that she said she would be there 3 days this week and would call out Thursday and Friday for a medical test. She said no. She's not coming in on Monday and it's none of my business why. I asked her if she was sick and she said worry about me, not her. She finally admitted that she has plans with her boyfriend on Monday.

This makes me very mad and upset with her. I've been hurt by a lot of friends in my life and it took a lot of courage for me to tell her about what I was doing. I trusted her. I never lied to her in my life. If she asks something, I answer. If she needs help with something, I help. I don't like that she's being distant with me and now is playing hooky from work. For the record, PD's day are boring because you sit on the computer for one meeting for maybe 2 hours, meet with staff for maybe 15 minutes and then you have to sit there for the rest of the day, trying to keep busy. I myself have presents to wrap, cookies to bake, more shopping to do etc. but I'm not playing hooky because I know it's the wrong thing to do. Plus, she told me she would be there on Monday. So now she's blowing off work and me for plans with her boyfriend. When I confront her about it, she gets a little upset with me and we fight a little. I had a good friend that I was friends with for 13 years and then she hurt me. It's weird because I love my friend, but part of me just wants to "have the big fight now" so I don't have to face the pain of losing her later in my life. I don't know what to do. I want to be happy, but it's hard to be happy in my life, knowing all the people I love are older than me and will probably die long before I do.

Hate to be pessimistic, but I'd throw in the towel if a friend of mine believed superstitious nonsense about me making their family ill by remote-controlled "negative energy." And in my experience, friends who get new partners tend to vanish into their own worlds, at least for a while. But you never know.

You think I should give up on my friend completely? It's starting to feel like that's what she wants. She and I went out today on our break and she told me that she doesn't have friends or want any. Only people she knows and that's it. She also said she is thinking of moving to another school. I told her that I support whatever she decides, but that I will miss her if she leaves. She got mad at me for saying that I would miss her and called my feelings stupid. I don't know what else to do. She and I used to talk everyday morning and night, but now she is saying I am harassing her and that I am crazy. She even accused me of being capable of raping animals today which is absurd! She also told me today that she went to the YMCA yesterday morning. I asked her why she didn't come and find me since I was there and she said that she went earlier in the day and made sure to leave before I would arrive so that she wouldn't have to talk to me. This hurts a lot because I really thought she was my friend and now today she tells me that friends are when you grow up together from childhood. Since she is older than me and we did not grow up together, we cannot really be friends. However, just 2 or 3 weeks ago, she was walking around the school and out in public telling everyone that I was her best friend. Another thing going on here is her family accused us of being lesbians because we were talking a lot. Sorry if this isn't written organized, but I just jotted my thoughts and feelings down as they came up.

P.S. My friend never was planning to play hooky from work. She confessed to me today that she lied on purpose about that just to prove a point that sometimes people need a day off and I shouldn't question it. When I told her that I don't like lies, she said it's too bad because it's in her culture to sometimes lie and that if I dislike it, then I need to get a man in my life and make him stop lying.

This person is not your friend. Friends don't treat each other like you are being treated. I think you will both be much healthier without her in your life.

It's hard for me to know. But she does seem rather disturbed and potentially harmful to anybody who's at all sensitive. Depends on how seriously you take her words, I suppose. It certainly doesn't look as if she's likely to be consistent about her attitude towards you.

I appreciate all the support. I feel hurt because as of a few weeks ago, my friend and I were going out every Sunday to the YMCA and then lunch. But then she was tired and stressed so we decided not to go for a few weeks. Then she got the flu over Thanksgiving and her grandson ended up in the hospital for a few hours. I was worried sick about her so I kept asking her if she was okay and did she need anything. She said no she's okay. But she got mad at me for asking. Last weekend she had a bad ear infection, but still worked her 2and job on Saturday. Last Monday I said, "Hey, how's your ear feeling? Better?" She screamed at me and said "omg, there you go again mentioning my illness! You see, I forgot about my ear and now I feel pain again because you reminded me about it!" She's going to the hospital for tests on Thursday and I asked her to please let me know that she's okay when she gets out. We don't have to talk long, but a simple message over the weekend to let me know she's safe at home and recovering would be nice. She swore at me and told me it's not my business and to stay out of her life. If I see her on Monday then she's okay, if she's not at work, then I'll know something's wrong like maybe she died. This hurts a lot too because aren't friends supposed to ask about each other's well being?

Yes I think they are. I'm not sure where the balance is between not asking enough and asking too often. The other day my son said he'd caught Covid and that it felt like a bad cold so far. I'd like to know how he is, but I haven't done because I don't want to make him exert himself by answering a message from me while he's ill. So for now I console myself by remembering that he's young, fit, well-vaccinated, and able to take care of himself. If he hasn't contacted me by the end of the week I'll probably send him a message to try to find out how he is. But I've no idea whether that's the right balance or not.

That's how I feel with this friend. Today she went to the hospital for tests and last week I asked her to message me over the weekend when she's out of the hospital and stable. She got mad and said it's not my business how she makes out. If I see her Monday then she's fine. If not, then she obviously didn't make it out okay.

She has also been saying a lot of incredibly painful things to me prior to today, but recently. She told me she never said we were friends because she doesn't have friends or want friends. She told me that she doesn't want to spend any time with me outside of the school because she's busy and she asked me what I will do when she dies, saying that I need to get used to not having her around because she's getting older and will die one day. I told her that when she dies, I'll be crushed and I'll miss her. Then, she got mad at me and said that's stupid for me to cry and miss her when she's dead because she won't miss me when I go. She doesn't really care if I die. My friend is studying religion and says that if I worry about her and cry when she dies, God will see me being negative and then will take all my family at once. My mom, dad, and memmere will all be at the same funeral, so I have to get ready for their death because it's coming soon from God. Yesterday she told me she doesn't really like me because I said something embarrassing in front of the teachers last week and I helped her with her homework wrong. Her professor said that she wrote too much and even though she got an A, she was mad because she said at her age, she doesn't need A's, only C+'s or B's.

All of these things are very discouraging for me because I don't want to be an annoying embarrassment to her. I sincerely want to be there for her and help her with whatever she needs. When she was sick I was writing to her 2 or 3 times a day to check on her. I'd tell her good morning and ask her how she felt. Then, I'd ask if she needed anything. She'd say no and I'd say "okay well, I'm going out for now, but I'll be back home at xx time. If you need anything please ask. Don't hesitate because if you need something and you're too ashamed to ask, I'll be mad because I'm your friend and I want to help you. Now, get some rest and I'll check on you later." Then, I'd usually check on her at night around 7 to ask the same. I don't want to be a bother, but she's my friend and while her heart is closed, my heart is open for her and I don't want her to die or be I want to write something to her maybe on Sunday morning just to check on her and make sure she's out of the hospital and okay, but I don't want to get screamed at. I figure, I'll give her a couple of days of space and then check on her.

You should drop her like a hot potato. She really seems like not a suitable friend-type person. A potential gas-lighter.

How can someone be mad if you get an A for her?

Was she once kind and respectful to you, or has she always been like that?

Sounds like she is extremely insecure. I don't know that I would drop her completely, but definitely keep your distance. She is not secure enough in herself to be honest. That is just going to stress you. If I were you, I would remain civil with her, but I wouldn't stay close. She can just be a colleague from work that you are civil with.

That's the thing. This behavior is all new. We used to go out all the time to eat and do exercises. We also used to video chat and text on Facebook all the time. Now she says that me writing her on Facebook keeps bothering her because she has ADHD which means she can't put her phone on vibrate because she has to hear the notifications, but the "pings" annoy her and her family. She just started acting like this a few weeks ago and she's been getting worse. A couple of days ago, I asked her if we could chat for a bit on Sunday afternoon and ssd's he said no because I can see her Monday. But then I reminded her about 2 Sundays ago when she was sick, but she still offered breakfast, (which I politely declined because I was full and she didn't feel well enough to go out anyway) and we ended up just chatting for about 1/2 hour while I did my exercises. It was very nice, but she doesn't remember that at all. I don't know what her problem is with me.

It’s not you…it’s her.

She takes you for granted.

She's definitely not a good person for you.

That would explain why you're still attached to her. I suppose the hope is that she'll go back to her former self. But I don't know why she turned so nasty to you in the first place. It's possible that you've been too nice to her and it's made her see you as a safe punchbag, but that's just a guess. It would be interesting to see how she behaves towards people who don't take any flak.

She sounds unhappy, and really not a suitable friends. And sometimes people grow apart. I know it's hard, but friends shouldn't be people you feel uneasy around, or say mean things to you. Her behavior is baffling to me. I'd just let her go. I had a friend for a very long time (32 years) and we were gradually growing apart.I realized that she was hiding my Facebook posts because she would never comment on mine, and I could not see hers.

She also sent me texts that were baffling to me. I had posted something on my blog that made her angry. We had a brief exchange, and that was that. She also had a nasty habit of bringing up one of her friends in conversations that we'd have. I had a huge falling out with her other friend, and I didn't bother explaining it to my friend because she wouldn't understand. Any time a mutual friend screwed me over, my friend wouldn't do or say anything other than, "I'm not taking sides." But it seemed to me that she would.

There were some other things going on too, and I just thought, "it's not worth it." So I didn't text her a long speech saying why, I just stopped talking to her. And a few months ago I unfriended her and some other people connected with the friend I had a huge falling out with. It's hard to be alone and not have any really good friends you can hang out with, but it's something I have had to deal with. I also realize I am not good in social gatherings of any number larger than two You deserve good friends, and she sounds a little nuts and maybe might be saying/doing this stuff to drive you away because she doesn't want to say, "I don't want to be friends anymore." Sometimes, you get a situation like this, sometimes friendships just end after an apology because you realize this person isn't bringing much to your life. This friend sent me a package (I moved to another country a few years ago) and she'd asked if I got the package. I said no, and asked if she had a tracking number. She said, "it doesn't matter." And I thought, well, it DOES. I'm concerned when i send stuff to people and they don't get it. I eventually did get the package, but her dismissive attitude toward the tracking number didn't make sense to me.

It's hard, but I'd avoid this person. Good luck with future friends.

So here's an update:
My friend reached out to me this afternoon on Facebook to ask about my day and we chatted for roughly 15 minutes, which was nice. However, she avoided answering me when I asked if she was home safe from the hospital. At the end of the conversation, I asked her if I'd see her Monday, provided that nothing catastrophic happens and she never responded. The conversation ended there. I'm guessing she was upset because I asked her about her health and if she's working and she doesn't think it's my business. My friend also wished me good luck in the crazy cave (school). She told me on Monday that she's thinking about changing schools soon so she can be back with her old teacher in hopes of seeing her new baby after it's born. This is scary to me because there actually is an opening right now at our old school that she could apply for and she's the type to apply and not say anything until her last day at our current school. I know it sounds bad, but I'm not going to tell her about the opening. I know she's my friend and I should help her be happy, but her leaving me for the 2nd time(the first time she got injured and had to leave) would hurt me too much inside. So, if she discovers it on her own, there's nothing I can do, but I'm not going to volunteer it.