Masking - what should we do?

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What is your conclusion on how to deal with masking? Should we do it or not?

It's so frustrating sometimes when my closest friends and loved ones say "Please don't mask, just be yourself." They really insist. And then when I finally oblige, they immediately get offended by my autistic behaviors. And then they don't even understand the connection between what they requested and then what happened.

So many people urge me to "be yourself," but then when I am, they're immediately unwilling to relate to someone by anything other than neurotypical societal rules. It's as if they want the benefits of me "being myself" without being willing to pay any of the costs...

And on the other hand, masking all the time is so exhausting. I'm just so tired of being "on" on the time, having to pretend to be neurotypical when it's not who I am. I feel like no one really knows who I am deep down, not even my wife. And then when I am "myself," people tell me that my lack of eye contact, monotone voice, etc. are offensive or disengaging... I just don't know what to do anymore...

I economize my socialising. When I need to socialise with unsuspecting NT's, I take a deep breath and try my best to connect to them. The socialising is rewarding of course but it takes great effort and at the end I feel exhausted. I need at least a week to recover. In situations where I can't avoid people, like at work or with family, I just can't mask because I cannot maintain it for long. This creates some awkwardness about me but I cannot help it so I try not to blame anybody and just get used to it. And actually I find it more comfortable this way. Yes, I'm the weird guy, but that's who I am.

in formal situations I do mask, and I never go beyond scripts in most public situations. I guess over time we learn when we can be ourselves, and when we can't, and which friends we are most comfortable with, and how they like to interact. I need very little "in person" social interaction, but when I do meet others to share an interest/activity, I am always on my guard and use my best behavior because I want them to keep meeting with me to do the things we are doing. Over time as we get to know each other that becomes more relaxed and comfortable. Its all kind of like feeling your way in the dark. I don't believe its a "one size fits all" proposition , but many shades and careful slow revealing of our true selves over long periods of time. There is probably not one answer to this question except "it depends". We must be socially awkward and have social struggles to be given the autism diagnosis, so it is natural we would find this difficult. I find socializing a lot easier now after 68 years of practice, than I did as a youngster.( I am 71 now) Best wishes

It can be helpful to have different "masks". Those situations where Aspie behavior is not acceptable would require the strongest masking.

In situations where people know us better such as with family, one can use a mask that is less demanding.

It can be a good idea to intentionally make the effort to periodically pay attention to that which would otherwise be considered peripheral such has how others are feeling. Such inquiries may not come naturally and could even be seen as a type of "masking", but they can go a long way to communicating that others are important to us.

I talked to my BFF about this recently. What a joke that toxic workplaces say to be authentic or bring your "true self". I estimated that I was lucky if I could be 15% real TOPS (as a neuro-minority, gender-minority, most other things majority). I asked my racial minority (but most other things majority) spouse how real he could be. I was estimating 30% and he said 50%. He can be 50% real every day. I am soooooooooooo jealous. I am increasing how real I am: I found a therapist who is helping me with practical language (setting other people's expectations to normalize my behavior), I changed workplaces, I am experimenting in the wild (at stores, etc.), in my case tools to deal with anxiety from past micro-traumas, etc.

I tend to frown on masking, but it depends on the definition and the situation. I've seen definitions that seem to include a lot of things I wouldn't consider to be masking, and I would rather the definition be restricted to behaviour that decidedly attempted to conceal traits. Given that definition, I accept that it's sometimes necessary to mask in order to survive when among people who might be judgemental or become harmful. It's a necessary evil. With non-judgemental, harmless people I don't see the point in pretending not to be something you are. All that applies whether it's the masking of ASD traits or the masking of any other traits.

Not that I'd advocate anybody completely letting themselves go and doing whatever their impulses told them to do. I value a degree of self-control, discretion, and respect for other people's sensitivities.

Like with anything else don't overdo it.

I would add to be careful not to lose who you are. When you mask only do it to gain something and never lose sight that this is what you are doing.

I just now answered a very similar question here, in another thread.

It's unfortunate that we have to live in a world where masking is necessary, but since we do: mask when you have to mask in order to survive and relish those times where you can unmask and just be your natural self.

The meaning of "be yourself" doesn't always mean literally. It means don't hide who you are too much but still try to be passable. I learnt that in my early 20s.

When I was 18 I started a voluntary job and I made a pact to myself to not be shy and to be more chatty and loud. It didn't work. After a couple of years I was just seen as annoying, and they pointed it out to me - in the most humiliating and unkind way.
So after that I learnt not to be someone I'm not otherwise I'll fail and embarrass myself, so when I started my first job I be'd (is that a word?) myself more, like when I felt it wasn't a good time to speak I didn't, and I realised it's OK to be shy. It was much easier just being myself, and I never got any flack because of it.

But maybe it's easy for me to say that, because I'm not that autistic so if I don't mask I'm not that much different to what I am when I'm in my own home. I find I need to mask more when I'm out in public spaces.

I'd be

I think I might be at the point where I'm not sure where the mask ends and my skin begins.

The positive way of looking at it would be that the mask is now a part of me, so in a way, I'm always myself.

The negative way of looking at it would be that I've lost myself in to the layers of the mask(s.)

Honestly not sure which way it is.

Masking will exhaust you. I am exhausted from being who i thought i should be. Im not going to do it anymore. I am going to embrace me. I encourage you to be yourself. Choose your friends carefully x

Where did your friends come up with the idea that one can mask or unmask at will or that is best for you to do so? It isn't true. If you friends want to be supportive, then they need to allow you to do what is best for you. Sometimes that means masking.