Struggling to build connection with my father

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Struggling with my father

I regularly visit my aspergers Dad, but I find his company very uncomfortable. I really struggle with him as he doesn’t show any emotion apart from frustration, shows little eye contact and doesn't listen properly.

An example being that I was in pain recently about a health issue. Instead of being tactful and sympathetic, he barraged me with questions, proclaimed he thought that I had the wrong diagnosis and accused me of not seeing a real doctor.

He also struggles to answer any sort of personal question or show any care towards anyone. When his mother passed away, his last words on her deathbed were ‘I’ll just turn the tv down as I go. Bye .’

I only see him 2-3 times a year, months will pass, and all I get is ‘okay then bye’ instead of a hug. He’s never asked how I am or that he is proud or loves me. I assume that he does. My Mum left my Dad years ago he acted more interested in his radio than supporting her.

His mood is fairly stoic but he starts telling amusing jokes after drinking. He has eaten the same lunch for his entire life, can only wear certain types of materials, struggles with certain temperatures and watches the same channel every night. His house has pretty much looked the same for 30 years.

I find it really difficult to be comfortable around him, and to be myself. I find we have very little in common, and the questions I prepare he gives a minimal answer in. The stuff he likes to talk about is science, and is far too complex for me to understand.

I really struggle to form any kind of connection with him. Any ideas?

TBH, he sounds like a more extreme version of half my relatives.

If it were me, I'd probably just find out what his interests are and see if I could find one of them that I could enjoy or at least tolerate. One of the things about autism is that we're often times terrible at being around other people if we don't have some specific reason for being there.

I can't recall having told my dad that I love him in like decades and no hugs or any of that nonsense either. It's pretty much just an understanding that we feel like that and that's it. But, I do make sure to invest myself a bit in the things that he's interested in and share hobbies as a more specific expression. I'm sure there are plenty of people out there that think that's kind of cold and sad, but the honest truth is that there's a pretty decent chance that I got my autism from his side of the family and he got it from his father's side and really we're kind of sharing a bit of a personality, so there isn't really a lot that needs saying.

I'm not sure if that really makes sense or is helpful, but chances are that something along those lines is probably going to be the most comfortable for everybody involved. Sometimes you just have to do what you can and let the doing be the expression of the caring.

You have to take people as they are, but If you want to know specific things (Does he love me? is he proud of me? etc.) ASK him. He may not have a clue that you need to know or hear that. Its the same with hugs. Personally I really don't like them myself, so I don't force the issue, but if someone asks me I can do that for them.

His bombarding you with questions shows he does take an interest in your well-being, even if he is worried you "haven't seen a real Dr." - its just not the usual way of doing it.

As for eating the same foods, doing the same things and keeping the house the same - those are things that make him happy and comfortable...Why begrudge someone that?

You might try asking specific questions too. Its often far easier to answer a closed question than a broad or vague one. Who knows? If you ask the right question you might find a common interest.

THanks for the excellent responses. I now see things differently a bit which really helps.

I don't begrudge for his routine habits, I was putting a picture together to explain him a bit more

I'll see how I get on with the open ended questions

You could try letter writing. It might be possible to engage him if you were to tell him eight things about yourself and what you have been doing and four of them were true. He might get a kick out of trying to guess which ones.

This is a strange question, but I will try and respond. Your dad appears to have something called Asperger's Syndrome. At least that is my guess. He may be very smart but has problems communicating. He is short and precise. In my humble opinion, humans are much more complex than most people believe. The reason is that we have multiple brains. If you read the book by Jill Bolte Taylor called Whole Brain Living, it may give you some indication of how complex we are.

Now that I have totally confused you, you are looking for answers. Why is your father different? I cannot say for sure but I will take a wild guess. He may be a little like me. I died when I was around 3 or 4 years old when I was attacked by a large bull. It happened very quickly. I weighed less than 20 pounds and the bull weighed over 1,000. It damaged the left side of my skull, the dominant side of the brain. It died. I experienced what is normally called a NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE. I saw my dead body and my parents in utter horror. So I came back, but as a very different person. It was my right side of my brain that came back. And I lived my entire life that way. It was nothing more than a brain flip (between the left and right sides).

So your father in my opinion went through a similar experience. He has quirks. Most Aspies have quirks. When I graduated from college and moved off to live on my own, I cooked the same meal for 3 years before I got married. I would cook up a pot of chili and eat it for breakfast, lunch and dinner. One large pot would last me all week.

One thing about your dad. He may not talk much. But if you get onto a subject that he is interested in and if you are alone, he will Talk and Talk and Talk for hours and hours.

Thankyou for your very real and honest replies to this, I will use your advice the next time I see him - thankyou!!