how do you feel about autism and being autistic

Post Reply New Topic

For me, being autistic isn't too bad.... I have learned to avoid most social faux pas by being overly polite and cautious. So the worst thing for me is the sensory issues - which I would love to get rid of.

It's hard, it's fine. It would be better if the culture was more aware and supportive, b/c then I would have been more aware and assertive. I'm in my 50s and just now able to recognize my difficulties and figure out what I need in those situations. I've noticed Autism isn't "bad" for my ASD friends who can highly structure their lives (live alone or with a similar dysfunctional personality, no or 1 kid, structured job) - but then there's me with my raging sensation seeking and extroversion so I have a spouse (who challenges me), two kids (both 2e), demanding job and it's hell and heaven every day. I have meltdowns often and anxiety attacks more so than most. For my friend's life is quieter and gentler. Still, I wouldn't give it up (because of the heaven moments). So I'm doing what I can to recognize when I need breaks to avoid meltdown/shutdown but when they happen to handle them as well as I (we) can. Personally, my friends who live controlled lives look like someone living in chronic shutdown from my perspective, but I get it: avoidance makes for comfort. I do not live comfortably.

I hate it, for several reasons that I won't list again as I have listed the reasons here before and I don't feel like repeating myself.

I think I've always felt like I won the genetic lottery (which may sound great but is actually the opposite). Although a lot of my family seem to be highly sensitive people prone to depression and shyness, nobody in my family has ever been known to be autistic, especially my cousins. I have 12 first cousins that I grew up with and they are all neurotypicals. Two of my cousins have a few BAP-type traits but have always socially functioned typically, as in having NT friends at school and never being lonely.
Growing up I was the problem child of the family and the worst behaved and the most stressful brat to bring up, even though I had a normal upbringing like everyone else. And as a teenager I was so socially isolated that it was ridiculous even for an Aspie. Being a female Aspie with only mild symptoms, I was severely lonely at high school.

I don't mind it. It is what it is.

It has simply explained why I'm always the unpopular weirdo. I've come to terms with the fact I'll never have a group of supportive friends and I'll certainly be lonely for the rest of my life, so I'd prefer not to be autistic. After my diagnosis I never got any support, just a list of phone numbers and websites to look up, and there's certainly no autism groups out here in the middle of nowhere. I suppose if I lived in a city it might be different.

However I'm not sure my imagination would survive if I was somehow 'cured' (?!?) I can't live without stories and fiction, if I lost those I don't know what I'd do. I'd also have to find another job because I'm a novel editor, I wouldn't like that.

Good and bad. It's bad that I'll probably never have much of this social bonding that most people take for granted. It's good that I can solve most of the practical problems that life throws at me by studying them carefully.

I got the diagnosis when I was almost 65 and had been retired for quite a few years.

By that time I had good academic, professional, and financial records. Socially...well, not so much.

But my diagnosis came too late to have much practical relevance. It's interesting personal trivia...and it explains why the previous 6 decades had been like they were.

If you became NT why would you have to leave your novel-editing job? I'm sure the majority of novel editors are NT. Autism not required to edit narrative.

I'm only affected relatively mildly, but the profound loss of personal connections and the overwhelming and unrelenting loneliness are truly so terrible that I would give anything not to have to live this life in this way. (And I actually have a few friends, and have had loving relationships, but it has been very hard, then, and it's all over now. I cannot tolerate not having a partner to share my life with.)

^^ So sorry. Hugs. I hope this is a passing season for you and you there is relief in the future.

I love being me, but I'm also home all day living in my own little bubble and sensory haven, away from human beings. When I was working full-time I didn't know I was autistic, my needs weren't met, and I was close to dropping dead from overwhelm. At that time I was really unhappy with who I was, because I didn't understand why everything was such a struggle. I thought I was a failed normal person rather than a successful ND person.

I'm proud of it. I announced it to the woman who gave me a kitten today, because her little daughter is autistic. She was thrilled to meet and talk to an autistic adult with ADHD. She treated me like a beacon of understanding, hope, and inspiration. It was really quite something to be so well-respected for my autistic experience.

^I love that last paragraph. Positive. And a kitten! I hope you have many years of happiness with him/her.

I was diagnosed years ago when I was 27 and I fell into a deep depression because I didn't think my life could improve. And it hasn't, really. I could have a successful career if it weren't for my autism. I can barely speak to people I don't know and that's precisely what I need to be able to do. Sensory-wise, I get overwhelmed visually so I'm one of those people who looks down at the floor a lot.

I don't have any friends outside of work/volunteering but then I wonder if I would have the energy for any.

Now that I'm officially diagnosed I have to admit I have daydreamed of a parent with an autistic kid coming through my line and I end up mentioning that I'm also autistic.

Actually, someone in my church has told me that seeing me succeed at work has given her hope for her AuDHD grandson's future.

I am finally beginning to think I may need to switch careers. Grocery stores are not autism friendly, especially when you spend 8+ hours there most days.

I suppose statistically most novel editors must be NT but I know a lot of editors and the extent of our obsession with following rules and perfecting writing is extreme. I think autism focus helps when you're correcting grammar, punctuation, spelling etc. It's definitely something I've noticed.

The thing is though, if I was 'cured', what would happen to me? I just wouldn't know what I'd be like, and that is too scary. I know myself now, even if I'm isolated, at least I'm familiar to myself.

I know what you mean. When I was working I didn't know I was autistic, I was desperately struggling and often bullied, overwhelmed and my health was diabolical. Really bad.

However some workplaces welcomed me and just saw me as a bit quirky e.g. when I worked with disabled children. Colleagues could see I was kind and caring, so that was lovely. They also had their own health problems so they were sympathetic to me. I find that people in the caring professions often have health problems.

I quite like being at home now my daughter is grown up, but it is very lonely. If I didn't have the internet I don't know what I'd do.

And it was so exhausting when my daughter was little. I was the sole person in charge with no one to turn to, it was days of 5.30am to 10pm non stop, no breaks at all. Constant noise. No quiet time to decompress. No time to follow my special interests. And I couldn't make friends with the other mums, they were too cliquey and saw me as too weird. Such lonely, awful years.

Maybe if I'd known I was autistic back then I'd have got some help? Dunno.